How do I come out as Bi?

Hi folks, how do I come out as Bi? I live a female led relationship but I'm finding it hard to hide I also like men. I'm bi but I don't know how to come out. I'm 60. Happily married. 3 kids all grown up now and I think and feel it's my turn to worry about me. The wife has probably always know but no one else does unless I'm blind.

I actually need advice. Please understand I have led a hero life for the last 60 years. Be nice to me. I thought about writing ro a friend an saying I'm bi but I'm scared

Do I continue ue to suppress my feelings or go for it.

I do not believe you have any obligation to share your sexual preferences with anyone. Your desires are yours only, and do not require you to announce them. This business of " coming out" is not anyone's business but yours. You have long relationships with your wife, children, business associates, relatives, and friends. Why take any action that can possibly hurt your relationships, or ruin your life. That responsibility to announce your preferences is false, and not required of you. Please think long and hard before you take any public action.

I think you are confusing your feelings, a desire to act on those feelings and the need for others to know about those feelings. If you are actively wishing to pursue experiences with men then the conversation with your wife seems crucial so she is not hurt and confused. Apart from that no one else needs to know. That would be my advice to a friend.

'Coming out' is hugely overrated. No one is under any obligation whatsoever to make their sexual preferences public knowledge.

I never "came out". My first sexual experience was with a group of boys in the 5th grade, including the older brother of one who introduced me to anal sex. That continued through high school, but by then discovered that girls were soft and fun too. I guess I have always been bi. I still am! I love to be with men, but I am only romantic with women.

Ditto.

'Coming out' is hugely overrated. No one is under any obligation whatsoever to make their sexual preferences public knowledge.

Agree. But some want to “carry a label”, maybe to justify the feelings, maybe to identify as being different, open and honest, etc. there are lots of reasons some may want to come out, as well as those who want to keep it private.

Agree. But some want to “carry a label”, maybe to justify the feelings, maybe to identify as being different, open and honest, etc. there are lots of reasons some may to come out, as well as those who want to keep it private.

I often get the feeling that in the US at least, not coming out is thought to be a form of dishonesty and the person somehow something of a sneak and untrustworthy ... sort of like the Protestant thing about confessing sins in public vs the Catholic thing about confessing sins in private.

You should evaluate coming out based on weighing the positives vs. negatives.

If you are thinking that your wife will give you permission to have sex with men and be OK with that, then you don't have to hide your bisexual meetings with men. This takes a huge load off your shoulders. This means you don't have to live in fear of getting caught and causing a potential end to your marriage. This is every bi guy's dream scenario, but it rarely happens.

If coming out leads to the end of your marriage resulting in huge stress and potential financial ruin, then that is a huge price to pay. I think most guys pretty much know what the reaction would be to coming out as bi with their wives. And in most cases, it would not be positive.

Another stress point is the possibility of getting an STD and then giving it to your wife if you are still active sexually with her. This would be the hardest way to have to come out as being bisexual- not only will you likely cause psychological harm to your wife but physical harm as well. You will need to get checked regularly. And it's best to find one regular bi contact to have sex with vs having multiple sex partners which increases your risk of getting an STD.

So I think you have to decide how to move forward. Act on your sexual desires or not. Attempt to keep your marriage intact by playing on the downlow and hope you don't get caught. And you do have to deal with the guilt knowing you are cheating on your wife.

You really need to think this through and decide what works for you. This is a high stakes decision not to be taken lightly.

I think we tried to rationalize "Comming out". That wasn't the question. It was "How" do I come out. I'd like any ideas that actually work from guys with any success.

Do you start a conversation with your wife (if that's your situation like me) and lead into how sexual preferences have changed so much and you see it even in TV commercials. I have no really good idea on even how to start a conversation that hopefully would lead to her agreeing that it is more socially acceptable for guys to switch sides later in life and admitting that most women, her included, loose interest in sex a few years after menopause.

I just want to get some ideas on HOW to start that conversation and feel out her position before I jump into the potential firestorm. Short of just telling her.. or her catching me on my knees with a guys exploding cock in my mouth it would be nice to hear about any techniques that have worked. Understanding that every situation is different but at least it is a starting point.

"I just want to get some ideas on HOW to start that conversation and feel out her position before I jump into the potential firestorm."

Ok I will take a stab at your question.

Early on in my marriage I revealed my anal eroticism which led to lots of anal play including getting fucked with a strap-on. Once she asked if I would like to try the real thing. I folded and answered no. But I am sure she was suspicious. As time went on, more accidental crumbs left by me were exposed- gay websites left open on my computer and text messages that were incriminating. It never went any further than that and we reached a point of don't ask don't tell.

So, here's my advice. Open the conversation about her. Ask her if she ever had a same sex experience or fantasized about having one. Let her talk. Then very carefully say that you have had such fantasies. Maybe relate some past lifetime experiences you had that made you curious. And then wait for a reaction. If your relationship is strong with your wife, you should be able to have this conversation without being judgmental or leading to a meltdown. It's just a conversation not a confession.

Look at this as a process not a onetime thing where you get full permission to have an open relationship. This will take time and many conversations, but each time push the boundary a little bit further each time. Keep pushing if she seems receptive and does not shut down. And if you feel the time is right say- I think would like to try it just to see what it would be like. Again, wait for the reaction. This method is like climbing a ladder- one step at a time and if you are lucky, you'll get to the top.

Good luck.

There is full coming out and there is coming out to your spouse. Quite different things.

Years ago I felt compelled to tell my wife that I thought I might be bisexual. My reasoning was I wanted to be honest and that there was enough fudge room with the words "thought" and "might". So I told her. I did not tell her I had some experience. She freaked out. Big time. Even though we were no longer having sex. Even though I told her that I had no intention of acting out on it [a lie, but prepared to commit to that going forward]. So I had to back peddle. She calmed down. From that point forward I did not have any form of sex with men other than online.

She has known from the start of our marriage that I enjoy anal stimulation from either her fingers or from toys. She is ok with this.

Knowing this now, I would not be honest about my bisexuality. Its sad that we cannot be honest with our spouses, but ...

What I have found works is to sound her out - by saying such and such happened in a dream. If she gets a bit worked up - remind her its just a dream.

Knowing this now, I would not be honest about my bisexuality. Its sad that we cannot be honest with our spouses, but ...

'The truth shall set ye free' is often a very laughable concept.

It might set you free from having to hide anything, but few people seem to be mature and honest enough to accept this in practice.