Me sucking and being fucked. my being 'total bottom' is part of my psychological wiring. Ideally, when i have sex, there is only one orgasm (the Tops). To me, when a Man has an orgasm inside of me, orally or anally, His orgasm transfers from Him into me and becomes my orgasm. i know, weird lol, but it's very real for me. If i happen to have an orgasm from being fucked, that's pretty awesome too, but i don't need or depend on that. '
i think, for me, it's about the dynamic of opposites, yin/Yang, attracting and bonding in extremis? It can get really involved. i have been with Men Who are wired oppositely and naturally want this too from a Top perspective. They may touch or suck my penis, but not because they want to make me cum, but as a means of getting me more needy for Their Cock, orgasm and seed.
i grew up with religious conditioning and tried being straight during the front half of my life, even though i knew i was attracted to Guys from about age 7. As a result, i married a woman and tried living a straight life initially. i learned a lot even though it was never right for either my former wife or me. i learned how to pleasure her early on, understanding instinctively what she wanted because we were both bottoms and sub. i had to 'role play' the top. i would touch and suck her clitoris and she'd end up getting multiple orgasms. But, she didn't like to come that way. When she would get close, she'd beg, or literally grab me and shove me inside of her and beg for "big ones."
Retrospectively, i totally get that. my penis is wired more like a clitoris than a cock, it's not really wired for penetrating, it's more of a stimulus to make me even more needy to receive a Mans cock inside of me.
lol, i could go on and on about this topic.