How to make peace with husband not interested

I am mostly a lurker on this site but sometimes I feel I should not be reading all this, as it makes me want all these things that I cannot have. I married my husband 4 years ago and we got engaged after only 3 months dating. During the dating period we had regular vanilla sex 2-3x a week, I told him that I need a “man” in the bedroom and he assured me that it is no problem for him. I guess I saw a potential and that was enough for me at the time. Later on I revealed to him that I would like to explore BDSM and we tried very light choking (him choking me) as it kind of freaks him out and he is afraid he will hurt me. After we got married, however, our sex life went downhill very quickly. He was just totally not interested into sex, up to a point where we wouldn’t have sex for 5 months straight. I told him this makes me feel like he is not attracted to me. Now we somewhat “fixed” it to where we have sex 1-2x a month. I never orgasm from it though because he is not very eager to do things that “do it” for me. One time we went out for a glass of wine and after that I ask if we could stop at a sex shop as I had never been to a brick and mortar one before. We looked at what they had, laughed some and left with cuffs and he promised to try it on me later. Fast forward 2 to 3 weeks the cuffs still lied next to bed new in box, never opened. I got mad and disappointed and angry and just threw them into the garbage. He didn’t even notice. I guess my point is, my biggest fetish is medfet but I can’t even tell him that because I know that he will just never do anything, even if most likely he would initially promise to give it a try. My husband is very attractive and he could get any girl he wanted and I just worry that he never had to “work hard” in bed the girls just gave it to him and did everything to please him. I don’t know how to live with this. How to accept that I will never get what I want in bed and that I will never even have a normal frequency of vanilla sex like normal people do. Anyone else just had to make peace with the fact they chose the wrong partner? That maybe they thought things would be different or even stayed the same but it just all went downhill? We are in couples counseling. It does not seem to help much.

@Lost_girl

I am mostly a lurker on this site but sometimes I feel I should not be reading all this, as it makes me want all these things that I cannot have. I married my husband 4 years ago and we got engaged after only 3 months dating. During the dating period we had regular vanilla sex 2-3x a week, I told him that I need a “man” in the bedroom and he assured me that it is no problem for him. I guess I saw a potential and that was enough for me at the time. Later on I revealed to him that I would like to explore BDSM and we tried very light choking (him choking me) as it kind of freaks him out and he is afraid he will hurt me. After we got married, however, our sex life went downhill very quickly. He was just totally not interested into sex, up to a point where we wouldn’t have sex for 5 months straight. I told him this makes me feel like he is not attracted to me. Now we somewhat “fixed” it to where we have sex 1-2x a month. I never orgasm from it though because he is not very eager to do things that “do it” for me. One time we went out for a glass of wine and after that I ask if we could stop at a sex shop as I had never been to a brick and mortar one before. We looked at what they had, laughed some and left with cuffs and he promised to try it on me later. Fast forward 2 to 3 weeks the cuffs still lied next to bed new in box, never opened. I got mad and disappointed and angry and just threw them into the garbage. He didn’t even notice. I guess my point is, my biggest fetish is medfet but I can’t even tell him that because I know that he will just never do anything, even if most likely he would initially promise to give it a try. My husband is very attractive and he could get any girl he wanted and I just worry that he never had to “work hard” in bed the girls just gave it to him and did everything to please him. I don’t know how to live with this. How to accept that I will never get what I want in bed and that I will never even have a normal frequency of vanilla sex like normal people do. Anyone else just had to make peace with the fact they chose the wrong partner? That maybe they thought things would be different or even stayed the same but it just all went downhill? We are in couples counseling. It does not seem to help much.

I feel very sorry for you and your situation. I am guessing you are young, but you don't have an age in your profile. It is imperative to have whatever kind of kinky, debauched, disgusting, messed up sex 😁 with your partner BEFORE you get married that you think you might want to do later.

I have posted MANY times that marriage or couples counselling is totally worthless, a waste of time and hard earned money.

Do you have children? If not I highly recommend a divorce. Your husband will not change and you will spend your life being miserable and/or regretting what you said in your opening sentence, you cannot have.

The deal with the cuffs...no one likes to be patronized. If he really does not want to do anything kinky, he needs to say so. But to not even have vanilla sex, is odd. Does he come home every night after work? Is he good to you, just not the sex thing? Is something bothering him at work? Is he a closet bisexual?

My guess is that your to cautious with your relationship. DOn't ask permission, just do it. What ever occupies his time, get between him and it, with something sexual. IF you can't interrupt what ever keeps him busy with sex of some sort, he's got some issues. NO matter who I've been with, sex usually could preempt just about anything I was involved with.

Good luck

My guess is that your to cautious with your relationship. DOn't ask permission, just do it. What ever occupies his time, get between him and it, with something sexual. IF you can't interrupt what ever keeps him busy with sex of some sort, he's got some issues. NO matter who I've been with, sex usually could preempt just about anything I was involved with.

Good luck

I suppose that's a possibility,

Maybe he is shy about initiating sexual activity, especially of if it is kinky.

We don’t have children. I’m 32 years old. Getting a divorce is easier said than done. I do understand though that those who divorced and then found a great partner never look back. I guess one of our problems is that I don’t initiate. I want the man to be the “dominant alpha” and me initiating sex just kind of takes the mood away. Nobody is perfect not even me, And I realize that. Otherwise my husband is kind, faithful, loves me, does not drink or do drugs never is calls me names...really otherwise he is a good husband. He has ADHD, which I think in part makes him selfish and makes his brain focus only on what he wants. It’s just all around difficult. Thanks for your support y’all.

I think that he is shy, in spite of his gorgeous looks. Like I said he never had to “work” for it and from what he told me he even enjoyed light domination from the female partner. Does that mean that we are doomed because we are both submissive? Also he was brought up in a Christian home by a single mom so he missed a male role model and I think the Christianity made him ashamed of certain aspects of sex. I’m not Christian and at home we always talked openly about everything so I do not have that problem.

Sounds like progress to me. Like peeling the layers to get to the cause.

Hope you are able to resolve this.

I think that he is shy, in spite of his gorgeous looks. Like I said he never had to “work” for it and from what he told me he even enjoyed light domination from the female partner. Does that mean that we are doomed because we are both submissive? Also he was brought up in a Christian home by a single mom so he missed a male role model and I think the Christianity made him ashamed of certain aspects of sex. I’m not Christian and at home we always talked openly about everything so I do not have that problem.

As long as you HONESTLY feel there is improvement, you should continue what you are doing.

Both of you being submissive does NOT mean you are condemned to a dull sex life or one lacking in BDSM. I was always very dominant and my boyfriend since sixth grade and husband for over 26 years was more or less neutral, but I dominated the hell out of him for several years before I taught him how to dominate from the bottom. At first he was very reluctant to strike me with his hands, paddle or flogger, but I showed him how easy it was for me to strike him and redden his cute tender ass. (I know, I'm incorrigibly wicked woman.) I got him accustomed to hitting me lightly at first and building up over time. It took about a year for him to gain the experience and confidence to engage in corporal punishment with me without my making suggestions or telling him what to do. He became a wonderful and forceful Dom. He cried and apologized the first time he gave me a black and blue mark on my butt despite the fact that when I did the same to him I had a smile or grimace on my face when I was doing it but I gave him loving caresses while being the big spoon holding him all night afterward. It's important to recognize that it is the sensations from the acts that are important, I wasn't beating him because he was bad. In fact it is critically important to NEVER bring real life events into corporal punishment scenes as reasons for the punishment. You may have to take the reins to enable your husband to learn how to be dominant. You will have to teach him. By the same token, even though you feel like a submissive, you will have to dominate him so he learns how to do it. Quite frankly, I was very happy when my husband learned to dominate me. It's a lot of work orchestrating some scenes and it's more relaxing to settle into subspace and allow whatever happens to happen. You will both have to do some give and take regarding who will dominate and who will submit in various scenes. It will be worth it especially if you really love each other.

As far as his religion is concerned, that can be a factor. It's almost too bad you or he aren't a dominant because Catholics in particular make great submissives! You need to take charge, and as one other person said, DON'T ask for permission to do things. Just do them. You want to give him a blowjob--do it, you wand to fuck him--do it, you want to stick your finger in his ass while you blow him--do that too. If he sees these things feel good, he should become more comfortable doing them with you.

He may have a hormone level issue - - See if he is willing to talk to a doctor about it. It takes 2 people being "all in" to make things work and you deserve to be happy.

I guess it will take a lot more work from my part to “mold” him than I expected! Yes I will try the surprise element I am pretty sure he will be game. Yes we had his testosterone levels checked and it’s perfectly normal. I was almost sad when we found that out because that could have been an easy fix. I really hate to be the dom in the bedroom as I am more or less that in real life (he is very easy going) but I guess no pain no gain? Even in the cliched 50 shades mr. Grey was sub first - so why not try it.

I think I might spank him and make him tell me when he last masturbated. I know for a fact that he does that at least once a week, even after we promised each other that we will “save” ourselves for sex (as to build his desire for me). Or do you think that would freak him out? I know he cheats with this and does not save himself and his desire for me. It kind of makes me angry.

@Lost_girl said

I think I might spank him and make him tell me when he last masturbated. I know for a fact that he does that at least once a week, even after we promised each other that we will “save” ourselves for sex (as to build his desire for me). Or do you think that would freak him out? I know he cheats with this and does not save himself and his desire for me. It kind of makes me angry.

Let me say this about your husband masturbating: as long as he doesn't deny you sex, his masturbating is none of your business. If he wants to do it, it's really perfectly OK as long as he can still have sex with you.

That’s the thing though. He loses his interest after he does it. I think he just prefers the ease of it over the real world and work in the bedroom. Or maybe I just don’t understand.

@lost girl,

I feel very sorry for you.

As an old man having been though this kind of situation, please allow me to share some thoughts with you.

How deep are your feelings to your husband ? Apart from sex, are you happy ? Do you share some interests, passions ? Can you spend hours discussing books, movies, music, politics etc. .

You say your husband masturbates and hides to do it. I like your Idea of spanking him for that. After punishing him, you should tell him: '' You masturbate, that's okay with me if you let me watch you doing it'' or propose him that you masturbate together, hand in hand, or suggest him a handjob or a blowjob instead.

As they say in girly magazines, try to seduce him or, if it does not work, be seducive to other men. Making him jealous could be a way to have him take more care of you.

I think the question is:''Do you agree to a relatively happy life with a man not interested in sex or are you ready to start your life again ?

The choice is in your hands

I feel that way in reverse, as my wife completely dislikes gyno exams. She has cried multiple times during real exams and now has anxiety meds to have one. However, Rarely I am able to loosen her up enough to insert a finger rectally which is a plus. Best case scenario is abdominal and breast exams with little to no interest in questions being asked or me to explain anything I'm doing. That's why I have been a member here for so long.

I have the same dilemma. It’ll never happen.

On the opposite side of this, as a Man with huge libido and lots of quasi-sexual interests. I was married for 47+ years, all of them unfulfilled. I'm 80 now, I have a very sweet but de-sexed girlfriend (menopause. She was wonderful before), & STILL have a lot of sexual drive. My advice: He will never change. Either learn to "live without," reconcile yourself to cheating (NOT good), or divorce and find someone who fits you. I have 4 kids, whom I love dearly, & they were a very big reason I never left my ex & divorced, so my circumstance was different than yours. If you read my posts, my blog, my responses, you'll know that I'm just like you. From my perspective, I made some very bad decisions early on, mostly driven by commitments to my faith, but...if you are a high libido person, driven by your desires, you will eventually crumble under the pressure of your sexual differences and your needs will make you a bitter, angry person. It's taken me years to overcome that and learn to live with myself, so my actual advice is threefold:

1 don't deny who you are.

2. Don't have kids with this partner.

3. Consider leaving, & what it will mean.

Finally, if you wish to DM, please feel free. I won't use your pain to "come on to you," & I may be an "ear" for you to discuss your situation more personally. I aim to be a friend to those like me...

The older you get, the harder it becomes to make peace after an argument. In our younger years, sex was a driving force for quickly ending any conflict. I remember it well: neither my wife nor I could go more than two days without sex. We would meet wordlessly in the bedroom, undress, and simply have passionate sex. Afterward, we would kiss and say, "Let's make peace..." With age, the desire for sex diminishes, and with it, a way to bring both spouses together...

I might have the wrong answer for you but he is your spouse talk to him about it. Maybe he's okay with you exploring with someone else? Maybe it's a deal breaker? Maybe if he understands how serious you are he will explore? Maybe he has his own reasons for hesitations...??

Either way I'm married and I couldn't imagine not having this conversation with my spouse if I felt this way. He is my spouse and we're supposed to be honest and upfront with each other. Keeping it quiet seems like it will build uneeded resentment and possibly end up with a situation that ends up worse at the end than if you just addressed it. I realize that my marriage isn't the "model" marriage but I have found open and honest communication can fix so many things.