My sexuality

I don't know if this fits here but here is my story:

I remember the moment I was in bed for the first time with my first girlfriend. I was 20 and she was 24 and more experienced and guided me along. I ate her out and she guided me inside. I'm in the flesh "vise". I slide in and out and she's getting excited. She cums. I don't. Maybe I'm just "nervous" she says. We get together a few more times and I just can't cum inside her. A few years later I get another girlfriend and she's enjoying it and I'm not. I start to feel like a tool for her enjoyment.

I meet my future wife and we hit it off for a week. She talked the entire time and finally she asks about me. Now having this history I explain my experience to her. We tried different things including those that usually turn me on. They only go so far. She had me visit a urologist. I'm sitting in the waiting room and I'm the youngest guy in there. He checks me out and says there's nothing physically wrong with me.

At this point I can't even jack off in the same room with her. Eventually we get there and that's my only release. Finally I get to the point where I don't want to be inside anymore. What's the use? It does nothing for me. My wife and I eventually split up. A few months later I meet a new girl and tell her my problem. I eat her out to make her happy but I don't penetrate her. She questions if I really like doing that. I say I do but I don't. She finds another man and that relationship ends.

At this point I'm pretty devastated. I wonder if I should bother with another relationship. They all seem to end the same way. I meet another woman who plays my games. Things are going well enough we get married. Then all of a sudden the love disappears. I'm devastated yet again but eventually it comes back to the lack of insertion.

So here I am at 52 and single but no longer looking. I can barely get hard anymore, even with masturbation. I've come to grips with who I'm not but am not sure of who I am. I'm definitely not gay. Women just don't turn me on. Things they wear do. Does that make any sense?

Well, that's tough. You still can have a relationship with out sex, if that's how you want to go it.

I suspect that you have become so self conscious about your 'issue' that it has become a self fulfilling situation. The more you want to be able to have 'normal' sex, the more psychologically you are unable to. DON'T stress over the situation. Are there any scenarios in which you can maintain an erection and masturbate to gain enjoyment and relieve tension, even to your kinks and fetishes? If yes, just enjoy them for a while and don't even seek out a partner, try to relax. If there is nothing physically wrong (and have you explored all options there?), then the problem is internal and has been triggered by something. Maybe counselling could help? The alternative as lex mentions is to find a partner who is not interested in the sexual side of a relationship. There ARE lots of women out there who would happily never have sex. Maybe you are asexual with no strong desire for either sex and that is fine too, again there are lots of potential partners in a similar situation. I wish you well but you are not alone in the way you feel. Best wishes Damien

At this point I'm pretty devastated. I wonder if I should bother with another relationship. They all seem to end the same way. I meet another woman who plays my games but eventually it comes down to the lack of insertion that ends it.

So here I am at 52 and single but no longer looking. I can barely get hard anymore, even with masturbation. I've come to grips with who I'm not but am not sure of what I am. I'm definitely not gay. Women just don't turn me on. Does that make any sense?

I'm not a big fan of Psychologists but you might consult one. It seems to me your problem is a mental one that you have to get past. Good Luck!

I'm not a big fan of Psychologists but you might consult one. It seems to me your problem is a mental one that you have to get past. Good Luck!

I am not a fan of shrinkologists either.

If they were effective, they could talk with you for a defined number of hours, say 2 to 12 hours depending on the problem (NOT weekly forever), spend an couple of hours telling you what to do, answering your questions, and you would be done. This self realization where "the light bulb goes on" they seem hell bent on is TOTAL BULLSHIT because they see you week after week, sucking your bank account dry and you never get the problem solved.

This is actually a case where a certified sex therapist might be helpful.

You said what didn't turn you on, but what DOES turn you on if anything?? It does sound from your description that you're asexual. Pushing yourself to do the " normal" things, just might be an actual turnoff for you? There are people that are truly in the no sex at all camp out there, so all hope is not lost. Good luck..

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@Wolfgirl66 said

. . . . It does sound from your description that you're asexual. . . .

He said he was wanting and trying to have sex but it wouldn't work. That's NOT asexual.

A few years later I get another girlfriend and she's enjoying it and I'm not.

I'm definitely not gay. Women just don't turn me on.

Is it a question of you not feeling the physical sensations? Or do you feel everything, but are somehow turned off by the idea of sex? You said you barely get hard even with masturbation. Perhaps it's a question of what you're thinking about (fantasizing about) while you masturbate. If you can't become aroused and enjoy yourself with masturbation, it's doubtful that you'll enjoy it with someone else. If other guys don't turn you on, and neither do women, that does tend to narrow your options. You might need to search for just the right fetish that turns you on, then use that to get things going.

@SwitchableSusie said, "This is actually a case where a certified sex therapist might be helpful."

@crackle_walk we can speculate all day as to why you have what you perceive as a problem. But that bit about seeing a certified sex therapist may be just the ticket. You know you won't be getting into a relationship with her on an emotional level and won't be afraid of disappointing her and you may be able to "get outside of your own head" long enough to see what it is that keeps you from achieving your release or being able to give the other a release.

Do you have a confidence problem or fear of becoming intimate because you may fail "them"? Just something you may want to ask yourself and the sex therapist. She would be there specifically to help you have sex and get some confidence or maybe help you sort things out.

It would be worth a go.

This is not an accurate description of psychotherapy.

I am not a fan of shrinkologists either.

If they were effective, they could talk with you for a defined number of hours, say 2 to 12 hours depending on the problem (NOT weekly forever), spend an couple of hours telling you what to do, answering your questions, and you would be done. This self realization where "the light bulb goes on" they seem hell bent on is TOTAL BULLSHIT because they see you week after week, sucking your bank account dry and you never get the problem solved.

While it is always possible to find isolated cases of malpractice (as with medical doctors), psychotherapy's effectiveness is well-established.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8561380/

My daughter is alive because of psychotherapists. We would have lost her at the age of 13, without them. And none of them tried to foster dependency on their services. Just the opposite.

All that said, I do agree that a sexual surrogate could also be helpful in the present case.

I am not a fan of shrinkologists either.

If they were effective, they could talk with you for a defined number of hours, say 2 to 12 hours depending on the problem (NOT weekly forever), spend an couple of hours telling you what to do, answering your questions, and you would be done. This self realization where "the light bulb goes on" they seem hell bent on is TOTAL BULLSHIT because they see you week after week, sucking your bank account

But life is onging and new issues will always come up, so it’s not really realistic to think one session will be sufficient to accomplish what most people want to get out of therapy. A good therapist or psychologist is going to have sessions to suit their client’s needs, perhaps more frequently at first and then spaced farther apart if that’s what is needed, and not be focused on getting as many hours in as possible.

@crackle_walk you may have already done this, but you might want to get yourself in to a doctor to check you out. You don't mention how old you are. If you are close to being called "classic" then you may want to get some blood work done. Personally, that diabetes did a number on me in more ways than one.

Start out and eliminate the medical and physical causes. Then go to work on your skull if you check out ok in the medical department. Don't ignore your numbers or think it can't happen to you.

Thank you all for the responses and I'm going to try to answer your questions here. I tried to give you a general idea of what my past has been like. Just writing about it brought up a lot of buried feelings which I apparently need to deal with still.

I have been to a sex therapist but that was 10 years ago. I would like to find a counselor that if nothing else I could talk to when I need it.

My fetishes involve women's clothing, panties specifically and I enjoy wearing them and masturbating in them. I have since I was 14.

I am 52 and went to see a doctor to at least point me in the right direction. He did check my numbers and for the most part they are good. I reduced my alcohol and carb intake and by next check up my numbers had improved. He found some hereditary heart issues that I now see a specialist for but nothing in the way of my original problem.

I think now it's more of a confidence issue that after repeated failures I know what to expect. I mean I don't even bother trying anymore. I say basically "this is my situation". Remember how I described being inside as like being in a "flesh vise"? That's really how it feels for me. Through masturbation I've learned that rubbing the underside of my penis is the method I use to get off. No other contact works. So being inside is kind of a sensory overload and it doesn't work for me. I get nothing out of it.

At this point I think having anything close to "normal sex" just isn't going to happen for me. I've had to make the decision not to get into another relationship and have this whole thing happen again. I'm done with it. I do get lonely though. In the past I thought I could keep them happy with my tongue and my hands. I've learned that it's far more than that. Now I need to figure out how to live and be happy with it. Maybe therapy is the best solution.

Being turned on by wearing women's clothes is not all that unusual as sexual activity and proclivity. Not standard of course, but nothing outré or objectionable either. It's just a variation on sexual preferences. There are certain to be others who are into the same activity and be happy to share sexual experiences of the same kind.

The rub is, of course, finding such individuals as they are not thick on the ground or easy to find. If you really feel the need for a sexual relationship involving your own preferred proclivities then it's probably best to go looking at specialized sites or hook-up sites. Not ideal to my way of thinking, but still useful. I surmise that perhaps that is how you came upon zity, looking for sites that offered your preferred kind of activity. This is not a hook-up site of course, but from all my experience on the Internet over some 30 years, it is certainly one of the least judgmental sites around with very understanding and friendly members, many of whom are more than happy enough to give (reasonable) advice. And I do know that some couples have met through zity, so one never knows.

Good luck, Crackle Walk.

I've been feeling this way for a better part of a year now. In the wake of my last relationship I've come to terms that I can't have the relationship that I want. I am by nature a loner and a homebody but I do like to do things from time to time. The last thing I did was go to the fair with a friend last month. We tried having a relationship last year but I knew it just wasn't going to work for her. We're still friends though and in hindsight it's really better this way. I do miss a woman's touch.

So back to the single life again. I'm not the person I thought I should be. The shadows of my past relationships would come to haunt me me at odd times like when I was driving home from work. I'd see couples or families and it would silently bother me. Complete strangers would bother me. I stopped talking to my neighbors as much. There was nothing I wanted to share with them. There were times that I would actually avoid going out in public until I could clear my mind again. I drank a lot to kill the pain. Months went by and I wouldn't clean my apartment. I figured "what's the point?" No one is coming over.

Time has helped ease some of the pain but there's still this hole in my life. What should I fill it with? I noticed last year I started buying things to fill this "hole" but it wasn't working. They sit on my living room floor, unused. I realized what I was doing and stopped it. So I'm back to square one.

You are wise to recognize that buying things won't fill the void.

You do sound as though you want connection with other people, along with plenty of time to yourself, and there is nothing wrong with wanting both. If I have this right, I have been there, my friend... and even if I have misunderstood your situation, you are in pain and I feel for you.

Curious as to what you might think of this talk by David Brooks. I'm not recruiting for his foundation... I just thought he understood and had a lot of value to say to those who want more connection than they presently have.

https://www.ted.com/talks/david_brooks_the_lies_our_culture_tells_us_about_what_matters_and_a_better_way_to_live/up-next?utm_source=whatsapp&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=tedspread

I hope the weeks and months to come bring many good things for you... that your disappointments will be few, and any attempts you would like to make, to connect, well rewarded.