@Charlotte said, 'I know I have curtailed my personality and my sexuality. '
@Charlotte that is your first mistake - and it will bite you in the ass in a way you will not like, not one bit. Been there 😧 - done that 😮 and I suffered for it, so did my husband.
You described - being in a relationship with a man whose sexual history had some swinging in it, a naturist, among other things. That you have a lot of common interests - and are not close to connecting on a sexual level, no matter what you have tried, and I have to say you have a nice healthy approach there. 🌹
I love him and I want to figure out how to make this better before the sex impacts things... (which I'm sure on some level it has to some degree).
You already know - that ship sailed right about the time you curtailed your personality and sexuality.
He's turning 50.... well educated (in the medical field), divorced ~ no kids.
I'm mid 40's.... five years of postsecondary, divorced ~ no kids.
(Sex is good when we have it. He is technically skilled ~ just very vanilla which baffles me because of his swinging history...... confused, confused, confused am I).
He may need to see a doctor - if he is one, they are the worst patients, I hear. 😕 But it could be - that he has something going on that maybe he doesn't know about, like diabetes which I do have some personal knowledge and from what I know being with a man who has it, it can sneak up on you and do the damage. He told me it started out - with a 'failure' here and there, then more often, and then it really started to fuck with His mind and it snowballed from there. His wife didn't know - and only thought it was about her, and again it turned into neither of them getting that closeness they wanted and needed.
It's a long story - a saga, but in the little journey I've been on, I learned what I wanted and how I wanted it and how to ask for it. HOWEVER @Charlotte - you've done all of this and more! Soooo - what are YOU going to do? Repress who you are - deny yourself what you want and need? Does your guy - have a clue as to why he doesn't 'go for it' after you have done what you say you have done? Does he WANT - other people to be involved in YOURS and HIS sex life? If he does - if that is what it takes, would you be good with it?
@SwitchableSusie said, ' Shrinks are worthless frauds who will only take your money. (I would have called them worthless shits but some people don't like that.) 😁 😁 😁 '
Amen to that - but would your guy want to go that way if you or he didn't want to do what @SwitchableSusie laid out in her post? The 'shrink' - may be nothing more than a 'prop' to get him to talk and engage in the process.
All your questions - all of your efforts, are good.
BUT THE ONE YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO IS YOU! This bit here -
I know I have curtailed my personality and my sexuality.
It's not fair to - EITHER one of you, and you will end up cheating on him, just like I did, BUT you might not be as lucky as I am. BTW - Facebook is THE last place to post about personal things or put up some sexy pictures of yourself. Someone will - and probably has hacked it.
(I have often wondered the psychological reasoning behind it - variety, sexual contact with others with the blessing of your partner, sex for the sake of sex without all the extra loving effort, etc).
Don't wonder - find out! If he doesn't open up to you - then you've got to ask yourself why in the hell you would curtail your own personality and sexuality. You sound very intelligent - and you are open with him about what you want, how you feel, and yet you quit being you? 🙄
You're the only one - who can solve your 'problem' but being untrue to yourself is the worst kind of cheating there is. I know - I've been one of those cheaters.