How to Rekindle One's Sex Life

I'm at a loss for words ~ never in my life have I felt I've had to work hard for sex. Yes, sex seems to be an effort and that is a foreign concept to me.

My boyfriend could take it or leave it. I however, WANT sex.

Some examples:

* We were out fishing last summer and admittedly, I have a thing for his ass and he had these tight shorts on that really showcase his best ass-sets and I feel myself getting horny (it didn't take much). I offer him a blow job (we were out on his boat fishing) and I'm thinking the other boats are far enough away so why not..... he turns me down. (Talk about one sad girl here....)

* I posted an album on facebook (that only he and I could see) of my sexy photography and he got all worried that "everyone" could see it. It caused panic. (My pictures are sexual in nature but classy and tasteful. His knickers got all in a knot..... (he used to swing and obviously didn't have a problem sharing who he was with at the time, but now he doesn't want anyone to see me and that makes me wonder why.....)

* He loves to hike, downhill ski, guns, Harleys, he's a bit of thrill seeker - but has little energy to put into sex....

* We have never watched porn together. He knows I watch porn (I've told him and on the rare occasion sent him links) - he has never suggested we watch any and never showed me what gets him off.

* I know he masturbates (which frustrates me). I asked him to show me how he does it.... to put on a little show for me and I could masturbate with him. There has been no taking up on that offer.

I love him. I want to be his life partner and I'm motivated and willing to do just about anything. I'm trying to figure out if something happened in his past that made him feel less than adequate sexually? Did someone criticize him and that just shut him down? I don't want to put too big a light on this subject because I don't want to do something counterproductive and make things worse. I am turned on by him. I am attracted to him. I do see being with him long term and I want us to have a healthy sex life along with everything else we have.

I have told him in a text.... this is your time to act 18 again... all those naughty things you jerked off to, all that porn you watched that turned you all, all those stories you heard from others that you thought ~ that was hot ~ now's your time. You get a "do-over," I'm giving you permission to go back to high school and be the horny/naughty teenager you never got to be! Think of all the things you wanted to try with a partner but didn't ~ now's your time!!! (So far that hasn't worked either.... 😢 )

This isn't something I can talk to with friends or family - for obvious reasons. I don't know where to turn and this hasn't up to now ever been an issue. He says it's not me it's him... however, that doesn't help much and I still feel helpless and it is impacting my feelings of sexual self-worth. My masturbating constantly in private to release my pent up frustration is getting to me. I guess I just always believed that a couple was supposed to meet each others needs sexually and I've never had a partner who was just "meh" over sex. (When we do have sex, I don't have an issue getting him hard and he normally does cum).

It's been a long time since I've been here, but I'm back after a long hiatus. I am in need of some advice. I have been dating now for about 10 months. I have made some realizations as of late and I need to make some "corrections" before it's too late.

Our home life is good ~ we enjoy many of the same activities ~ photography, hiking, boating, fishing, kayaking, camping, marksmanship, Harley's, anything to do with guns.... our political beliefs are in alignment as well. We're intellectually well-matched ~ and he has cleverness and intelligence that matches mine just about perfect. I do adore him and I do take care of his needs helping him organize things, keep a nice house, cook nice meals and I get along with his friends as well.

Where things are a bit worrisome is this. Sex. *Sigh* I have a very high sex drive and would like love, attention and sex daily (in a perfect world). I love my toys, role-playing, photography, porn, costumes, flirting, sexting, etc. I truly believe that sex is "play." I am very creative and love to send sexts and short stories that show off my naughty side. My response to these emails and texts. "Ok, lol." I can just tell him play by play in intricate detail exactly what I want to do to him, or him do to me..... with very explicit and sexual language and I get an, "ok, lol." This response doesn't do anything to encourage that playful banter to go back and forth. It feels like a "show stopper." I'm like what do I do with that???

His sexual background is different than mine. He was a naturist and enjoyed going to nudist camps/resorts (I've never been, but I'm not against it). He was also very active in swinging with a number of his former partners (I have often wondered the psychological reasoning behind it - variety, sexual contact with others with the blessing of your partner, sex for the sake of sex without all the extra loving effort, etc). I would have thought that atmosphere would have been a natural place for banter, flirting, and sexual overtones.... I'm confused.

I know I have curtailed my personality and my sexuality. We did go to a Shibari class which turned me on greatly (he went with me learnt the knots and I've never experienced them since that day). We've gone to a spanking class ~ that one got me wet and excited just sitting in class ~ he spanked me that night and never again.

So, how do I get him to be more playful with me? I am naturally flirty and I'm told exude sexuality (except with him). When I sexted him on a recent trip and I asked him to "play with me" with words he told me he wasn't good at it. He's a great storyteller except when it comes to sex. Help! I need more sex... I need more playfulness.... I need some flirty and fun conversation and I certainly need to feel desired. I'm definitely more kinky than him (I don't think he's had a partner into restraints, toys, costumes and porn like I am.... Why won't he play? Is it harder for men to be playful? How can I encourage him to be more playful both in and out of the bedroom?

I love him and I want to figure out how to make this better before the sex impacts things... (which I'm sure on some level it has to some degree).

He's turning 50.... well educated (in the medical field), divorced ~ no kids.

I'm mid 40's.... five years of postsecondary, divorced ~ no kids.

(Sex is good when we have it. He is technically skilled ~ just very vanilla which baffles me because of his swinging history...... confused, confused, confused am I).

I've merged these two threads you started because it seemed to me you were describing essentially the same problem in both, which seems to be that your partner's sex drive is no longer what it was, and apparently it is not a match for yours.

I didn't see anything in either of your posts to suggest you have actually attempted to discuss this with him, only that you are avoiding it.

I don't want to put too big a light on this subject because I don't want to do something counterproductive and make things worse. I am turned on by him. I am attracted to him. I do see being with him long term and I want us to have a healthy sex life along with everything else we have.

But how do you think your situation has any chance of improving if you don't raise the subject and talk about it?

I may be WAY off base here, but you asked for advice...

Take down the Facebook posts, and delete all the sexts - NOW! It appears to me he is not comfortable with those being in what is a risky place (i.e., subject to hacking and/or later release by you or someone else).

Sit down and talk to him. Start by telling him you have taken all that stuff out of the cloud, and now it is just the 2 of you. Ask him if HE perceives a problem - physical or psychological - and if so, what it is. If he says there is no problem, tell him that YOU perceive a problem, and that the 2 of you may need help to work it out. Hopefully, he will join you in a search for an appropriate counselor/therapist.

Shrinks are worthless frauds who will only take your money. (I would have called them worthless shits but some people don't like that.) 😁 😁 😁

This is tough love and serious business. The lives you waste together if you aren't on the same pages will be your own.

Each of you needs a pad of paper, a pen and you have to write a sincere list of praises and complaints and things you want to address with each other.

Take your lists and sit down at opposite sides of the kitchen table so you can look each other in the eye as you talk. Each of you should take turns discussing ONE item on your list at a time. This may take hours or several sessions. You should be dressed in regular clothes. This is serious business here.

If you come to agree on the important points and the minor ones can be forgiven, that is terrific and you are in good shape.

If you cannot agree on points that either of you feels is important, do not waste time, GO YOUR SEPARATE WAYS NOW.

.

BTW I agree with intruder--take down the Facebook album shit. You do not have to advertize your lives to the world.

Charlotte, I can see you are frustrated. And from what you have said have definitely made an effort to be forward about wanting to be more sexual. I do not think there are many men who would turn down a BJ.

So talk to him and be persistent and if that does not work then you may need to have a different talk with him.

Good luck!!!!!!

Obviously everyone’s sexual appetite is differerent and for some people it can vary month to month, myself for example I usually have very little interest in sex, but on occasion will be minded to visit a sauna for a lot of fun, what you need to do is to find out what will work between you, maybe try something completely very different, the key is to talk, if all else fails maybe you just arn’t Compatible😢

Oh, Charlotte! There is nothing truly secret about Facebook. If you haven't already done so take the advice already given here about removing your private images & anything else relating to your relationship.

@easy123 said

Oh, Charlotte! There is nothing truly secret about Facebook. If you haven't already done so take the advice already given here about removing your private images & anything else relating to your relationship.

You are absolutely correct about that. Facebook was never to be trusted, and I knew it from the time it first appeared. I would never go near it for any reason, as it is clearly toxic.

@Charlotte said, 'I know I have curtailed my personality and my sexuality. '

@Charlotte that is your first mistake - and it will bite you in the ass in a way you will not like, not one bit. Been there 😧 - done that 😮 and I suffered for it, so did my husband.

You described - being in a relationship with a man whose sexual history had some swinging in it, a naturist, among other things. That you have a lot of common interests - and are not close to connecting on a sexual level, no matter what you have tried, and I have to say you have a nice healthy approach there. 🌹

I love him and I want to figure out how to make this better before the sex impacts things... (which I'm sure on some level it has to some degree).

You already know - that ship sailed right about the time you curtailed your personality and sexuality.

He's turning 50.... well educated (in the medical field), divorced ~ no kids.

I'm mid 40's.... five years of postsecondary, divorced ~ no kids.

(Sex is good when we have it. He is technically skilled ~ just very vanilla which baffles me because of his swinging history...... confused, confused, confused am I).

He may need to see a doctor - if he is one, they are the worst patients, I hear. 😕 But it could be - that he has something going on that maybe he doesn't know about, like diabetes which I do have some personal knowledge and from what I know being with a man who has it, it can sneak up on you and do the damage. He told me it started out - with a 'failure' here and there, then more often, and then it really started to fuck with His mind and it snowballed from there. His wife didn't know - and only thought it was about her, and again it turned into neither of them getting that closeness they wanted and needed.

It's a long story - a saga, but in the little journey I've been on, I learned what I wanted and how I wanted it and how to ask for it. HOWEVER @Charlotte - you've done all of this and more! Soooo - what are YOU going to do? Repress who you are - deny yourself what you want and need? Does your guy - have a clue as to why he doesn't 'go for it' after you have done what you say you have done? Does he WANT - other people to be involved in YOURS and HIS sex life? If he does - if that is what it takes, would you be good with it?

@SwitchableSusie said, ' Shrinks are worthless frauds who will only take your money. (I would have called them worthless shits but some people don't like that.) 😁 😁 😁 '

Amen to that - but would your guy want to go that way if you or he didn't want to do what @SwitchableSusie laid out in her post? The 'shrink' - may be nothing more than a 'prop' to get him to talk and engage in the process.

All your questions - all of your efforts, are good.

BUT THE ONE YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO IS YOU! This bit here -

I know I have curtailed my personality and my sexuality.

It's not fair to - EITHER one of you, and you will end up cheating on him, just like I did, BUT you might not be as lucky as I am. BTW - Facebook is THE last place to post about personal things or put up some sexy pictures of yourself. Someone will - and probably has hacked it.

(I have often wondered the psychological reasoning behind it - variety, sexual contact with others with the blessing of your partner, sex for the sake of sex without all the extra loving effort, etc).

Don't wonder - find out! If he doesn't open up to you - then you've got to ask yourself why in the hell you would curtail your own personality and sexuality. You sound very intelligent - and you are open with him about what you want, how you feel, and yet you quit being you? 🙄

You're the only one - who can solve your 'problem' but being untrue to yourself is the worst kind of cheating there is. I know - I've been one of those cheaters.

@Lora_C knows what she is talking about @Charlotte

Unfortunately everyone does not have the same desire for sex at the same times.Add in kinky sex and it gets even more difficult. I have fought the same battle for years and finally gave up. I'd like to give you the answer you want to hear but if he doesn't have an interest after all you have done, it probably won't happen. This won't get better as he gets older, things start falling off or not working right. I'm with Susie on the shrink idea, they just want your money. Good luck!

@Lora_C is right! You should not have curtailed your attitudes and actions; they were 'you' when he decided or concluded that he wanted to be married to you. Changing them could endanger your relationship. Revert to your position at the time that you got married. Get all of your stuff off of Facebook; it is dangerous to have any information there (it is subject to exploitation by data thieves), and I doubt if having it there is necessary for your relationship with your husband. It IS serious that you and he work things out, as right now you are not satisfied, and unless you get it worked out you will only continue to get more and more unsatisfied. Try to get him to tell you about his 'swinging' experiences and what (if anything) there 'turned his crank'. Maybe putting him in the same position might work. He may be a bit insecure about his performance, even though you indicate he has no need to be. I also agree with the position that psychiatrists and others that offer relationship counselling for hire are mostly useless, and in business to make money; solving your problem would mean that you don't need to go back to see them again and again, etc. Consider the many other very valid points made by your sisters below. I was shocked to see this topic, and my heart aches for you...

I recently married. Due to COVID-19 my husband and I (he was a boyfriend then) didn't see each other for 9 months (due to border) and then another 6 weeks apart. I have an extremely high sex drive ~ he however does not. Since our wedding night, we haven't had sex (almost 3 months)….. I'm dying for attention and intimacy of any kind. He is 5.5 years my Senior. Any ideas on how to reignite a 50 something-year-old man's sex drive? I cannot live in a sexless marriage. I am kinky he, not so much. Help!!! (Yes, he knows I'm interested…. I am playful, walk around naked, grab his ass, etc ~ I am TRYING).

@Charlotte - first congratulations. What turned him on before you got married? Will he watch porn with you? Does he know about any of your kinks? Does he accept sex toys? Does he mind that you use them. My biggest turn on is when a woman tells me her fantasies, especially during love making. Have you been sexting? Will he role play online with you. Have you told him how horny you are and how much you long for him? Have you ever told him about your coming of age sexually? E.g. mom gave you enemas and when you reached puberty…

There are lots of ways to ease into things. The key in the beginning is patience. he may be kinkier then you think.

Sounds like you've provided some subtle hints - and they aren't working. Consider talking to him about I directly - your needs and frustration in a non-confrontational tone (don't emasculate him). You need to get this out on the table before it becomes a big(ger) problem. Maybe suggest a romantic getaway to set the stage. Even ask him talk to his doctor about boosting up his sex drive because sex is important to you.

I think he needs a testosterone test.

I know that Switchable has been banned but she didn't beat about the bush and she said things directly and she said that sex was the ‘glue’ to a happy marriage. I wish that she was still in Zity. regards, irrigator333.

@Charlotte thanks for the beginning of the discussion. I am at same boat but inverse….but those few times when she said to me something kinky, I get horny immediatly, so maybe is not a problem that you will solve being kinky, arousing him, grabbing his ass……maybe is a hormonal issue like @Moppys_jalopy said. Just be careful with blue pills and heart issues, ask him to see a doctor first.

And btw……NO, “she” is gone, and not needed.

Za

I know that Switchable has been banned but she didn't beat about the bush and she said things directly and she said that sex was the ‘glue’ to a happy marriage. I wish that she was still in Zity. regards, irrigator333.

Sometimes the “glue” fails and you learn that marrying just for the sex/cock is not the be all. A marriage needs to have more to just sex to survive.

Well said Miss. Stres and true.

Sometimes the “glue” fails and you learn that marrying just for the sex/cock is not the be all. A marriage needs to have more to just sex to survive.

Obviously there is more to a relationship than just sex - but lack of sex is often indicative of other problems within a marriage, or within an individual - especially when it becomes an issue for one of the partners. . @Switchablesusie said, sex is the glue in a marriage - it is also of a barometer of how healthy a marriage/relationship is. Sounds to me that there are other issues going on - either physical, personal or within the relationship. Would love to hear Sue's opinion on this.

Not to be harsh but maybe you two are not meant to be together , marriage is not easy and never has been and sex is only a small part of it and IMO it is not the glue in a marriage , there are endless reasons why he does not want sex

I recently married. Due to COVID-19 my husband and I (he was a boyfriend then) didn't see each other for 9 months (due to border) and then another 6 weeks apart. I have an extremely high sex drive ~ he however does not. Since our wedding night, we haven't had sex (almost 3 months)…..

@Charlotte

Perhaps it is fear of pregnancy for whatever reason?

Do you talk to him about the lack of intimacy in your marriage, or is communication an issue? Obviously this is not normal by any stretch of the imagination, and my advice would be to seek professional help and to discuss your problems together as a couple with a relationship counsellor, if your husband would accept that…

Charlotte……go solo…..listen to your body and it's needs….slip off quietly and enjoy yourself….don't hide from him…..just don't overtly involve him. Let him know by your actions that you still enjoy a sex life…..leave your panties around on the sink next to his shaving stuff….if you are into enemas….leave the bag to dry on the shower rod in plain view. Take your enema openly….satisfy your own needs and just go about your business.

Don't play “grab ass” or fondle or make overtures….but don't be secretive either. If you are a noisy woman….be noisy. If you enjoy porn, watch it….but be out in front about it.

Let him feel like it's there for the taking, but that you won't badger him.

Do this for a period of time….be strong…..don't beg or give in. If he walks in on you masturbating or getting tuned up, just continue on.

It might take time….but his curiosity should kick in after awhile. He may have a low sexual urge…but the sight of female nakedness and female arousal may help trigger him. Enjoy yourself and ignore him watching or his remarks…..eventually, he should sniff around.

Act like nothing is wrong or that you are miffed….after a few months, re-evaluate the situation. Don't wonder about this until time passes….see where this might lead and just wait him out. Maybe go buy a jeweled butt plug and conspicuously wear it around the house ….or to bed.

stay aroused….let your scent permeate the rooms…men have receptors in their noses….they will unconsciously pick up your scent. Just don't push or entice him. Pretend you are having quite a nice time all by yourself.

I'd be curious to know how this turns out for you.

@Charlotte I know how you feel. I am happily married but am in a sexless marriage . I have found outlet via chatgram, and messages with other members and even formed some friendships with zity members. It helps a little but it is hard my only advise is to focus on how you feel about him. If you love him truely your marriage will survive Love is much more than sex. My last time of intercourse resulted in my pregnancy, my son is almost 19 years old. If you want to chat some more, feel free to send me a message. Xx

@MissStress: Sometimes the “glue” fails and you learn that marrying just for the sex/cock is not the be all. A marriage needs to have more to just sex to survive.

Not good when this happens early on in a marriage. While I agree that it is not the be all as MissStress said, the longing for sex does create tension IMO.

While I agree that it is not the be all as MissStress said, the longing for sex does create tension IMO.

I understand the tension that the lack of sex creates. But I have assured my sub, numerous times, that I didn't just marry him for his cock. Thank goodness that I didn't or we might not be able to remain married for lack of any other compatible reasons.

The other day sub “rose” to the occasion, much quicker than usual, because of the possibility of having to be plugged, tied while naked to a chair, and having to watch another suckle then fuck his Miss. Surprised the heck out of me as that is not usually a turn on. But we go with what works that day. 😉

I understand the tension that the lack of sex creates. But I have assured my sub, numerous times, that I didn't just marry him for his cock. Thank goodness that I didn't or we might not be able to remain married for lack of any other compatible reasons.

It's funny how sex is really important when you are 20 and not so much when you are 60. I haven't had sex with my wife for 15 years or so and I think it has affected the relationship. She had her ovaries removed and didn't have an interest after that. I think intimacy is a big part of staying happy.

think intimacy is a big part of staying happy.

Agree with @Moppys_jalopy that intimacy is an important piece of a relationship. We're in a similar situation where we haven't had sex in quite a while - but we've manage to adapt and maintain some sense of intimacy, albeit far from the wild rodeos we used to have! It's not as good as it was and we both would be happier if we still had it.