Miscellaneous | How to Rekindle One's Sex Lif…

Views: 910 Created: 2019.03.24

First post

I'm at a loss for words ~ never in my life have I felt I've had to work hard for sex. Yes, sex seems to be an effort and that is a foreign concept to me.

My boyfriend could take it or leave it. I however, WANT sex.

Some examples:

* We were out fishing last summer and admittedly, I have a thing for his ass and he had these tight shorts on that really showcase his best ass-sets and I feel myself getting horny (it didn't take much). I offer him a blow job (we were out on his boat fishing) and I'm thinking the other boats are far enough away so why not..... he turns me down. (Talk about one sad girl here....)

* I posted an album on facebook (that only he and I could see) of my sexy photography and he got all worried that "everyone" could see it. It caused panic. (My pictures are sexual in nature but classy and tasteful. His knickers got all in a knot..... (he used to swing and obviously didn't have a problem sharing who he was with at the time, but now he doesn't want anyone to see me and that makes me wonder why.....)

* He loves to hike, downhill ski, guns, Harleys, he's a bit of thrill seeker - but has little energy to put into sex....

* We have never watched porn together. He knows I watch porn (I've told him and on the rare occasion sent him links) - he has never suggested we watch any and never showed me what gets him off.

* I know he masturbates (which frustrates me). I asked him to show me how he does it.... to put on a little show for me and I could masturbate with him. There has been no taking up on that offer.

I love him. I want to be his life partner and I'm motivated and willing to do just about anything. I'm trying to figure out if something happened in his past that made him feel less than adequate sexually? Did someone criticize him and that just shut him down? I don't want to put too big a light on this subject because I don't want to do something counterproductive and make things worse. I am turned on by him. I am attracted to him. I do see being with him long term and I want us to have a healthy sex life along with everything else we have.

I have told him in a text.... this is your time to act 18 again... all those naughty things you jerked off to, all that porn you watched that turned you all, all those stories you heard from others that you thought ~ that was hot ~ now's your time. You get a "do-over," I'm giving you permission to go back to high school and be the horny/naughty teenager you never got to be! Think of all the things you wanted to try with a partner but didn't ~ now's your time!!! (So far that hasn't worked either.... 😢 )

This isn't something I can talk to with friends or family - for obvious reasons. I don't know where to turn and this hasn't up to now ever been an issue. He says it's not me it's him... however, that doesn't help much and I still feel helpless and it is impacting my feelings of sexual self-worth. My masturbating constantly in private to release my pent up frustration is getting to me. I guess I just always believed that a couple was supposed to meet each others needs sexually and I've never had a partner who was just "meh" over sex. (When we do have sex, I don't have an issue getting him hard and he normally does cum).

MissStress

Moderator

MissStress

Moderator

We're in a similar situation where we haven't had sex in quite a while - but we've manage to adapt and maintain some sense of intimacy, albeit far from the wild rodeos we used to have! It's not as good as it was and we both would be happier if we still had it.

But the question is “How to Rekindle One's Sex Life”. How or what have you done to get some back.

Stories, tales, of what my sub needs done to him has helped get him started. I run the 15 to 20 minute timer in my head to get him to the finish line.

I ask for specific experiences that he can assist with to get myself finished.

That is what I do.

Moppys jalopy

But the question is “How to Rekindle One's Sex Life”. How or what have you done to get some back.
Stories, tales, of what my sub needs done to him has helped get him started. I run the 15 to 20 minute timer in my head to get him to the finish line.

That's great it still works for you. Some of us aren't so lucky.

Rigel

But the question is “How to Rekindle One's Sex Life”. How or what have you done to get some back.
Stories, tales, of what my sub needs done to him has helped get him started. I run the 15 to 20 minute timer in my head to get him to the finish line.
I ask for specific experiences that he can assist with to get myself finished.
That is what I do.

Arousing someone who is still interested in sex is different than trying to arouse or entice someone who is NOT interested in sex as @Charlotte ‘s husband seems to be. Walking around the house naked and playing grab-ass are pretty clear signals that she's interested! Communicate the problem with the goal that the situation has to change. Rule out any physical issues by seeing a doctor. If there are psychological or relationship issues consider therapy. If all else fails, consider an open marriage….. The “Sexless Marriage” thread has a lot of discussions about this as well as some interesting “excursions”. https://en.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;topic=109049

Question to @Charlotte - During your courtship, did the two of you have an active sexual relationship??

BulgeInPants

@Charlotte - I think some very gentle communication is certainly needed here. Is it possible he has erection problems? If so, he may be too ashamed to say and so avoids sex to spare his pride. There are solutions if so. Also, is it possible he has unusual sexual wishes he's ashamed to share with you, arousal habits he's developed before meeting you that you just don't know of so don't do for him? Does he use porn and if so does that point to any such hidden interests, or even if vanilla variety porn, confirms some desire still lurking? I'd explore these two before facing the harder issue of a simply absent sex drive.

Dr Philip

Question to Charlotte - During your courtship, did the two of you have an active sexual relationship??

@gwhap Perhaps check out Charlotte's two posts of 2019.03.24

https://en.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;topic=109539

MissStress

Moderator

MissStress

Moderator

Walking around the house naked and playing grab-ass are pretty clear signals that she's interested!

But it may not to him.

@Charlotte and her husband need to talk and find out what let's him know she is interested in sex and when she will know he is interested. If she doesn't even ask she is cheating him out of the chance to have a say in the situation.

Being he is older than she, what a woman should and shouldn't do to initiate sex may have different perimeters than what she thinks.

Was the idea of sex ever discussed before you were married?

Moppys jalopy

Being married for a short period she shouldn't really have the problem so soon. I think they need a doc to check him out

Rigel

Walking around the house naked and playing grab-ass are pretty clear signals that she's interested!
But it may not to him.

C'mon man! If a naked woman grabbing my ass doesn't trigger me - then that will only happen when I'm dead - if then!!

Rigel

Thanks for the reference @Dr_Philip . Seems that a lot of the issues were addressed in the thread you mentioned and the problem existed or was anticipated before the marriage. Some great advice by some very smart folks there! I agree with the statements in the thread that counseling and/or therapy is a farce - BUT that it may serve as a prop to facillitate a difficult discussion that seems to be sorely needed! Seems that this issue should have been confronted a long time ago, and that it probably will not get addressed now unless @Charlotte is willing to stick her neck out and take the balls by the horn - (you know what I mean). I wish her the courage to do so and the best of luck!!!

That Australian

@Lora_C knows what she is talking about @Charlotte

Got that right @Amethyst

That Australian

@Dr_Philip …Thanks for the link to previous discussion titled….Indifference Towards Sex…Help

This recent issue above needs to be merged together for continuity purposes

As well as providing a more complete overview so that members here are aware of the situation in its entirety.

MissStress

Moderator

MissStress

Moderator

@Charlotte said here in March 2019..

https://en.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;msg=1000960

He was a naturist and enjoyed going to nudist camps/resorts

Her then boyfriend, now husband, does have a different view of being naked than she does. As far as I understand nudist camps/resorts erections are discouraged.

Rigel

@DrZ merged two similar threads started by @Charlotte into the “Indifference Towards Sex” thread back in 2019. https://en.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;msg=1000961.

Similar advice was offered back then as to how to address the problem. Agree with @ThatAustralian that those threads should be merged with this one - but I doubt the issue at hand is going to go away.

DrZ

Moderator

DrZ

Moderator

I have now merged the two threads, as they are actually the same issue. The new thread alone did not supply full context.

refill aka reddevil

This thread reminds me of the “Sexless Marriage” thread. https://en.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;msg=989474

Turkey1

Hormones okay a huge part of desire. We basically run on hormones. And not just our sex hormones although they are a major contributor, our overall well being.

Both my husband and myself had our thyroid etc. checked and also found a doctor who specializes in this type of therapy and our libido has been rejuvenated.

Tillie

Perhaps I take a far different approach than many people really want to hear.

I would sit down across from him and ask him one question?? What is wrong with me?

Rigel

Perhaps I take a far different approach than many people really want to hear.
I would sit down across from him and ask him one question?? What is wrong with me?

That's a fair question. Perhaps take an honest assessment of yourself first before asking that question. Have an open mind and be accepting of any criticism. Hopefully he will too and openly and honestly communicate. Most interpersonal problems have issues/symptons with both parties.