Cunnilingus Techniques

I'm not sure how arousing this topic will be, but hopefully someone can help me.

I was sexually abused a couple years ago, and any time I try to do anything sexual with anyone, I start panicking, as if I'm being attacked again. I've very recently started being able to relax enough that it isn't painful, but it's not exactly pleasurable either. What throws a wrench in it all is that I'm most likely a squirter, because I tend to get the sensation of needing to pee, and that's extremely uncomfortable. I've never been able to orgasm from someone else's stimulation.

I think I need pleasure that's intense enough that it yanks me out of my ruminating state, and forces me to focus on the pleasure. Are there any specific techniques that anyone can suggest that'll relax me, and turn me on enough to help me stop thinking about everything else? Do you have any techniques that seem to make women go crazy? I'd like to suggest them to the next person who goes down on me.

Thanks ☺️

Hey,

I don‘t know if there is a cunnilingus (or other) technique that can solve your problem. I think primarily you need to find a partner you really trust.

But if you want to know my basic cunnilingus technique which usually works great, here it is:

1. First caress the pussy from the outside until it starts getting wet.

2. Lick up and down the slit a few times and apply a little pressure with your tongue until you can push it in a little.

3. Then go up to the clit and circle your tongue around it, varying the pressure you apply with your tongue.

4. At the same time put one or two fingers into the pussy and press upwards as if you wanted to squeeze the clit between your tongue and fingers. Move the fingers a little, varying the pressure.

That’s pretty much it. Personally I like to switch from the clit to the pussy after some time or maybe put a finger into the anus instead of the vagina. But I hear that most women don’t like any changes once you reached step 4. So you just go on.

BTW: if you’re a sqirter, you might want to warn him about that.

I would suggest professional counseling if you have not already gone that route. Not every shrink is equal, get one that you feel comfortable with. In your particular situation , I would suggest a female. It ismy belief that they understand woman better than men.

Good luck.

Hey,

I don‘t know if there is a cunnilingus (or other) technique that can solve your problem. I think primarily you need to find a partner you really trust.

BTW: if you’re a sqirter, you might want to warn him about that.

Oh, I do trust him. But getting my body to trust anyone is hard. We've been making progress, though. And I have warned him about the squinting, thanks.

I would suggest professional counseling if you have not already gone that route.

Oh definitely, that goes without saying. Thank you 😃

I'm not sure how arousing this topic will be, but hopefully someone can help me.

I think I need pleasure that's intense enough that it yanks me out of my ruminating state, and forces me to focus on the pleasure.

This is called "getting out of your mind" in some circles (well, the getting out of the ruminating state, not the use of intense pleasure to get there). It's a good strategy, but as a survivor of sexual violence it might not be the best for you because you need to be able to have it not be processed as forced (if that makes sense).

Back off on the sexual touch until it's something that you're 100% comfortable with and do counseling. Forcing yourself is unlikely to help, because as you said you're processing it as if you're being attacked again. At some point you and your partner will probably go into the sessions together and plan for how to move towards sexual contact.

Instead of relying on some shrink which I have exactly ZERO faith in helping you, why don't you and your partner just hug and very slowly move down to the areas you want to stimulate.

It really is that simple.

I think it's a balance of both. I'm in therapy, and also working on this with him. He's been able to relax me to the point where we can have sex without it being painful for me. However, it doesn't exactly feel pleasurable either, because my anxiety causes me to focus more on my thoughts than my body, and I believe intense pleasure will yank me out of my head. I don't think it'll make me feel like I'm being attacked again, and if it does, there's always the option of stopping.

What about you taking the initiative and being the aggressor with your partner and have him be more passive until you are ready for him to have his way with you?

Give him a handjob or a blowjob (the person with the TEETH is the person in charge of a blowjob) or jump right onto his dick? Be on top, do something you want to do and YOU run the show.

This is all about you becoming confident in your sexual experience.

I almost want to say it could be less about your seeking pleasure than for you to be in control. If you feel in control, I promise you will LOVE the physical sensations.

@SwitchableSusie

That's actually a really good idea. Or having him dominate me. Weirdly enough, I've always enjoyed that, before everything happened.

Have you done the "stop" practice? Where you work on just asking your partner (this goes both ways) to stop, then when they do it you ask them to start again?

Sounds silly but it's actually pretty good. Do it several times over an extended period of time.

Re: squirting. Check with your BF, but personally and from what I've heard most guys think it's incredibly hot if and when they can get their wife/GF to squirt.

@moliere

How will that help? It's not like I'm scared that he won't stop

I'm aware that it's hot. That doesn't make the sensation any less uncomfortable for me.

Just reinforces that he will stop (and vise-versa).

For techniques, just try some out and give feedback. Are you OK with being vocal? Are you both OK with your grabbing him and moving him where to go?

Try some G-spot stimulation and maybe anal stim as well during cunnilingus.

I totally agree with Susie here. First have a sit down with him , tell him exactly where your mindset is. Tell him you need to be the one in control and to let you just take the reins for now. Definitely let him know if there are any moves or words from him that would trigger something negative for you .

Put on some music ( music sometime helps distract that part of my brain that just wont shut off) and you make the moves, start with baby steps , kissing him, fondling him, whatever turns you on ( believe me he will love everything) then when you are getting good and worked up mount him , dont think about just go with whatever feels good for you , get yourself to orgasm first, ( again he wont complain , guaranteed) then you can return the favor.

Keep with this “ positive reinforcement “ and soon you will re train yourself to just be able to let go and enjoy pleasuring each other .

Most importantly keep those lines of communication open with him . Ask for his feedback and input. And no one ever scoffs at a compliment when its well earned 😉

Best of luck 😃

I'm sorry you had to endure that abuse. Mental and emotional scars are difficult to over come, but in time I believe, truth, trust, patience and talking may help you. It's an uphill climb, one step at a time. I can only suggest what works for me. You might desire to give it a try. To me, looking into my husbands eyes opens the gateway to the kingdom. Eye to eye contact is not only an act of love but it's also spiritual. The eyes tell a story about the person. My boy/husband was a broken person when he came home from Vietnam in 1970. Until I read about "Fire Support Base Illingworth" I was not able to understand his trauma. I had to learn also! He finally accepted he would never be right in the head and heart unless he talked to someone about his problem. Just like what you are doing here! You/We need people to talk with! There are some mighty fine people here to do just that!

Getting close to a lover may take some work but I'll share with you one sexual act that sure worked for me. See we pass on what we know! Not what we think we know! There is something that's special when my husband stimulates my G-Spot. I'm in a position to make and maintain eye contact. He knows my body well! A while back here at Zity there was a thread about "Squirting" I can't recall where it's at but I shared some information that you might like to read. That spot is in the roof of your vagina about two-three inches from the opening. It feels like a ruffled sponge! About the size of a walnut? Have your lover find that with his middle finger and gently start the process of sending you to heaven on earth. You can talk with one another, look at each other and make eye contact. Our eyes tell all! We can read passion just my looking into another persons eyes. Especially our true lovers.

Now when you learn how to have an orgasm you will never forget the feeling. You mentioned squirting! You might lose control and pee a bit. That's not squirting. The squirting fluid comes from the Skene's glands on either side of your urethra and some women can go like a squirt gun. And a bit of pee won't hurt us so it's nothing to be ashamed of! No doubt many of us have done it! I have!

Start with something like that perhaps? Keep things simple for a while. As you recover maintain contact with positive people! Know that you are not and never will be alone again!

Many Blessings!