Partners and sex drive

How do you adjust to your SO having a different sex drive ? Any ways to help them understand more ? Ways to compromise and work around it ?

Having a little something on the side works very well. Just remember, when she sees you sitting there drinking beer, and watching the game- She can have one too.

You can try and talk with her (assuming her) about alternative ways to be close. Might or might not work. Sometimes they just assume you can turn it off as easy as they can. If all else fails there's your old reliable hand...

Last time i had sex with wifey about 20 days ago

(We traveled and stay at her sister)

I cant wait that long and if i did probably last like a minute before coming

In that 20 days i self please my self about 10 Times

Had an,enema session and a massage with happy ending (full sex is only with wifey)

I had a higher sex drive than my ex. I masturbated a lot.

My sex drive has always been higher than my partners - sometimes significantly so - until my current husband. We're pretty evenly matched, in fact his may be a tad higher than mine which is a very pleasant change from what I've been used to. I used to masturbate all the time, now I pretty much only do when he's traveling. I dealt with it by having a rich fantasy life, writing romance novels and masturbating a lot. I don't write a whole lot anymore either :-)

You can always tell when he's traveling as I tend to post here more during those times

My sex drive was non existent with my ex husband. We had sex weekly but it was not enjoyable, for me anyway. And if the sex isn't good I'm less inclined to put in the effort across the board. The partner that I had amazing sex with and equally amazing down time with, we would bang in my car, at his place, I mean it was non stop. As a solo journey, I know I have a sex drive that can be hyper. For me it's about the connection. There are things that cannot be faked.

*I tried to enjoy sex and make it exciting but i was working with someone who was selfish in the bedroom so all the effort in the world wasn't going to save that.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk!

I’ve been married a fairly long time and can safely say we’ve each had our share of being the one with the bigger sex drive. When the kids were small and I had zero interest, it helped a lot when my husband would help me with the daily grind stuff so I wasn’t falling into bed exhausted and frazzled. If he could give the kids a bath while I did the laundry or loaded the dishwasher while I put the kids to bed, or offer to clean up the living room so I could take a shower without interruption, it did 3 things. 1. It lessened my work load so I was less tired at bedtime. 2. It gave me some non-kid time to de-stress my brain a little and 3. It showed that he valued my feelings and my needs outside of the bedroom and that’s sexy! All of those together made me much more likely to want to have sex once the kids were in bed. On the nights I simply couldn’t hold my eyes open I’d offer a helping hand, literally, or a sleepy bj. We got a little cuddle time, we both felt connected. It wasn’t perfect but it was temporary. Talking about it outside of the bedroom and before tempers flared was critical. We weren’t always good at that, and we’d both get annoyed but talk it out later. Now we’ve swung the other way. I’m in my 40s, my kids are mostly grown, and I have the libido of 17 a year old. He’s in his 40s and on medication that plumbing not work properly. To his credit, the spirit is willing where the opposite wasn’t true when I was the one with no interest. He’s gotten super good at using his mouth and hands in fun and creative ways. Because he travels a lot there’s a fair bit of talking on the phone or using Skype for naughty purposes. A lot of times though, he’s just not feeling it so I’ll be content with a foot rub on the sofa, or just cuddling up together to watch tv. In the case of ED, talking and being honest is super important. When it first started happening, he was annoyed and embarrassed, I assumed I was less desirable after 4 kids and medical issues added many pounds and stretch marks. All that made us both a little gun shy. Being super honest about it helps us both, instead of assuming it’s me and feeling shlumpy all of a sudden, I know it’s the medication or just the trouble with getting older. Instead of being embarrassed he can just joke “Man down! Get the lifeboats!” And we switch to a different activity or position or do whatever is needed to get us both across the finish line. And even if we don’t get there, we usually end up sweaty and happy and tired.

Tl;dr communication is key, there are many ways to be intimate.

The sex is good with my wife but my drive seems about 2x hers. So I fill in with masturbation 2 - 4 times per week in addition to our twice a week sex. I'm thankful I don't have ED and she is good in bed although not adventurous.

She is a highly sexed woman, needing sex at least three or four times a day. How's a guy able to satisfy those needs. The answer for us was for her to have additional lovers. I guess a polyamorous relationship is what we have. It's not for everyone, but it suits us very well. I am comfortable with her lovers coming to the house to have sex with her. Some days. especially weekends it can be grand cock central, with at times four or five guys stopping by. She is basically a whore, but she doesn't charge money. For those of you who understand this type of relationship, it's exciting and stimulating.

@Peachfuzz

https://www.zity.biz/index.php?mx=forum;ox=display;msg=914127

Amen to every last word, and it is good to hear you and your husband were smarter about it than I was. That was my husband and I ... 20 years ago, before we got wise and started doing something unique, like communicating.

Oh yeah ... been there done that, and glad to see someone smarter than I was earlier than I was. 😃

@Peachfuzz glad to see someone smarter than I was earlier than I was. 😃

Thanks! I wish I could say it was effortless but when the kids were small, it was probably the hardest part of our marriage! We both forgot the rules many times and got hurt feelings or nursed smoldering resentments for weeks or months at a time. Eventually one of us would snap and get upset but that always led to talking it out. I give hubs all the credit for that, where my first instinct was always to yell and explode, his is always to be calm and try to de-escalate. If we were both yellers we might not still be married!

You can try and talk with her (assuming her) about alternative ways to be close. Might or might not work.

I thought my wife and I had an alternative way to be close, until Christmas Eve.

A few years ago, she had let me know that intercourse had just become too painful for her, and the interventions we looked at (like estring) reportedly increase the risk of cancer, so those were out.

I had been also providing her with erotic massages for years. At the time, she described receiving them as something like melting in pleasure, and her climaxes at the end (from oral sex and then KY liquid-enhanced massage of her clitoris) as "volcanic." She would fall asleep as we spooned afterwards, totally relaxed, and in the morning, tell me how happy she was. So naturally, I suggested we just do more of those massages (she has no training, so it's always been me as the provider), and she readily agreed.

Enter a couple of years with lower back pain, for me, and the massages became less frequent and less extensive. I thought we both missed them.

On Christmas Eve 2018, at our favorite resort, I had everything ready, from her bubble bath to the massage oil: for her first full-length massage in years. But when the time came, I couldn't pry her away from her iPhone or "Law and Order," and she made some excuse about being too full from dinner. The night before, it had been "feeling too tired."

So I asked her what was wrong, and she finally admitted she didn't want massages any more... that to her, they had become just an exercise in getting greasy, kind of a nuisance.

My first thought was to search the room for an empty "Body Snatchers" pod, and ask this alien what she had done with my wife.

More realistically, I thought about asking her if she had lost her mind... but I settled for asking her if she'd really rather play with her phone and watch people murdering each other, than get a massage from her husband.

She said she simply isn't interested in that kind of thing any more, so I should just find a mistress, younger than her.

Lord, what fools these mortals be...

This discussion thread so frickin timely. I’m 59; my wife is 53. We’ve been married for 31 years. Over the years our sex frequency has decreased from a couple times a week to a couple times month to about once a month. Over the past couple months though, it picked back up a little to once every couple weeks. I was excited to see the “improvement.” About a week ago on a Saturday morning, I was feeling amorous but she wasn’t. No big deal, or so I thought, as I’m horny almost every weekend morning. Well, every morning actually, but I leave for work at about 5:30 am every weekday. Anyway, that night, she turned the tv off in the middle of a show, and stated crying. Being the concerned, listening husband (well, I try), I inquired what was wrong. She replied that she was feeling like a failure at many things, one of them big ones being her desire to have sex. She explained that she knew that I wanted to have sex that morning, but that she doesn’t have any sexual desire anymore. We talked about a lot of other issues, but I didn’t dwell on the sex thing because, firstly there were bigger issues and secondly, I began to think that the only reason we had been having sex lately was that she loves me and felt obligated. That’s the last thing that I want as I believe sex is a thing that couples give each other out of mutual desire. I absolutely do not want her to do it out of obligation only. Please help or correct me here, but if she does it out of service and not passion, then it is no more than another task or a job. For now, I’ve decided that I’m not going to make overt advances toward her and to just “take care of myself”. I told her a few weeks ago that I occasionally masturbate in the shower. She doesn’t know that I do it almost daily, sometimes twice a day. She also does not know about my toys or my occasional personal play times. I’m waiting for the subject to come up again. If she indicates that my assessment about obligation is correct, then I’m considering telling that although I’ve always loved the sex that we have together, and that I’m more than willing to participate if she finds herself in the mood, but that I’m capable of taking care of my own needs. We’ll see how it goes. I’d love to tell her about my alone time activities, enemas, dildos and all, because I don’t like being secretive about it, even if I have been for over three decades. I’m just sure how she would react. Wose case would be that she would think that it is her fault for being inadequate in some way. I’m open to any commentary.

Wow @chuckWM,what an amazing post and so honest of you.

You are sure not alone in your thoughts.

I myself have always had a very low sex drive and I know I am not alone there.

It is not about how much we love our partners.

I wonder if telling her about your toys and time alone might not be a bad thing.

I wish you and your wife all the best.

Peace,

Caz

It seems when one partner's sex drive (desire for sex) is much greater than their SO, the relationship is at the proverbial fork in the road.

If one partner says they are not interested in sex anymore and leaves it at that, then that is essentially a real jab at the other partner. As others have said, communication is key and if that is the end of the communication- a big no I am not interested, then the relationship would seem to be in trouble or in for a big market correction- cheating and or divorce.

If sex has become difficult due to age or medical problems for either partner then the partner who is unable to have sex should still recognize out of love for their partner they still have needs and desires and acknowledge that. Finding ways to sexually fulfill that partner's needs should be a top priority.

Sex is important throughout life. If partners are truly interested keeping the relationship strong, then they will find ways to evolve how they have sex as they age and not let the relationship boil down to nothing.

Chuck,

I went through the same type of situation with my wife, a few years ago. I have been acceptant of her feelings, partly because I enjoy my own masturbation and play to what our obligatory sex would be like. We have talked at length about interests, that I know she would not be interested in.

I wish now that I had opened up more when this problem first arose. I would so much like to be more open about my anal play, etc. , but now I don't know how she would take it.

Caz, proV1, and slowhand,

Thanks for the insightful replies. Like in any relationship that has endured for 30-plus years, we have had a lot of ups and downs. Too many to discuss here, and some of then have involved things of a sexual matter. I can see now that I'm going to have to open a dialogue with her regarding this subject. I'm glad that I have the Zity community with which I can at least express my thoughts in these forums. Taking the time to type out these posts has helped me process things in my own head and come to some (hopefully) rational action plans. Thanks again for allowing me to lie on the Zity couch.

All,

Some very good discussion here. Obviously there are many of us whose partners sexual interests have changed over the years. Our bodies change and we need to be respectful of that with our spouses/partners. Given the choice I know that my wife would like to be more intimate, but her body has changed and sexual intercourse has become uncomfortable for her. She uses an expensive medication to help with it, but does not effectively work 100%.

She does support the need for us to be intimate, as it helps keep us closer together. She also supports the idea to take care of myself too as she realizes that I have more needs than she. When we do play she acknowledges my enjoyment of anal play and will accommodate me. She also knows that I enjoy enemas too, but draws the line on that and tells me that I am on my own.

I think we owe it to our relationships to do whatever we can to keep it moving forward. We cannot forget the reason we got together in the first place and do what we can to hang on to it.

I am dealing with the same problem. I would like sex twice a week or more often, and apparently twice a month is what she wants, if that. I guess the root of the problem is that she either can not or will not talk about sex and never has in many, many years of marriage. Maybe I have never framed the discussions correctly.

We even tried some of the sex instruction videos advertised in the AARP magazines. They did help some with temporary arousal, but never seemed to lead to any discussions. I always had to suggest looking at them, and sometimes she would agree. I have been faithful, but masturbation has been my only outlet much of the time.

Thanks to the Zity community for the kinky ideas,and general knowledge, and thanks for letting me share my journey with folks with similar interests.

@ChuckWMPNV my situation is kind of the opposite of yours in that I developed diabetes and the complications snow-balled from there.

I don't know how old your wife is, but you might want to get her and yourself in for a medical checkup or physical. If you can eliminate something medical that would at least tell you where else to look. Things like sleep apnea, iron deficiency, menopause, depression, or a lot of other things can be at work here. The time of year, even, with less sunshine.

I do see that you are lucky in that you have a wife that is willing to talk about it and knows there is something not right in her life. You also seem to be wanting to find something out, too.

Start with the basics and go from there. It sounds like you two have something going and it would be worth it to find out what.

That's just my two cents.

I read on here how spouses ignore the needs of the other spouse. It is sad. It takes communication between two people in a relationship. We are not mind readers. It is all about compromise. Rectal temperatures don't do anything for me but if my husband wants to take mine. It would be my pleasure to lay across his lap and let him take my rectal temperature. Just like if i am in the mood to put a wade of Vicks on my finger in my husband's ass, he will gladly bend over for my enjoyment. Our thinking is if it is not illegal and/or cause any pain that we don't want then we should be willing to participate. Off course, there are times nothing happens because one or both of us is ill. When we were dating, we both agree to be will to try anything at least once as long as it was not illegal and/or cause pain that we don't want. We have both always communicated our feelings because we both always want to know where we stand when it comes to sexual issues. We don't play that game guess how i feel.

Coming off of birth control and tapping into my adventurous side have increased my sexual desire tenfold. I'm currently seeing someone who is on medications that hinder his ability to get in the mood. Sex is once a week and over quicker than i would like but the sex is good. I wish there was something i could do. I've worn different outfits or none at all. I've tried morning sessions and night sessions. I'm all for masturbating when he isn't feeling ready. I'm not pressuring him or making him feel bad about this situation but i do need some assurance from him without having him feel guilty about anything. Anyone have advice on the matter? I'm in my early 30's and he's in his last year of his 30's. We don't live together but we don't live far from one another at all.

As a “well past 50 female” there is truth in the fact that If you don’t exercise it sexually, things can fade and the desire can fade with lack of activity. What has saved me is that the older I get, the more willing I am to let myself explore things that were off limits to my mind earlier in life. As relates to guys, I understand that things like age, medications, perhaps work pressures can all affect sexual performance. Just know that there are medications that can help and varying the way one can show and experience intimacy is a good thing. Know too that “over quick” is not all bad - call it “speedboat sex” and just be glad the boat still goes! There is considerable value in foreplay activities too, whether or not they include the full sex experience.

We agree that no matter what if the other is HORNEY.. then the other must be satisfied. EVEN if the other has had a long, hard day etc.. IF the other NEEDS it.. If it can wait the Horney person must be satisfied ASAP... For example if I'm super horney.. She'll hit my magic button (prostate) and blow me.. I last maybe 5-6 minutes at best.. If she's needing help.. I blow her.. til she cums three times.. I've woken up between her legs from passing out tired.. But SHE was happy. We are so satisfied we often go to bed.. and make up for it the next day!

I’m glad that so many couples can find an understanding. It didn’t happen in my marriage. It’s been the biggest problem for us especially me because my wife isn’t interested I sex. We don’t have it so I am the one left in need.

I’m glad that so many couples can find an understanding. It didn’t happen in my marriage. It’s been the biggest problem for us especially me because my wife isn’t interested I sex. We don’t have it so I am the one left in need.

Your wife is taking unfair advantage of you.

This is a fight you cannot win because the unfair laws are on her side.

I feel sorry for you.

This thread is very similar to the "Sexless Marriage" thread... perhaps should be merged... anyway, my gal and I stopped having "sex" in 1999. Sex for us was mainly mutual masturbation - that was our thing, more that humping and pumping.. Interesting that 1999 was when the Internet began to take off and that provided something else to occupy free time that could otherwise be devoted to our stroking and fingering each other.

This thread is very similar to the "Sexless Marriage" thread... perhaps should be merged...

The two threads will not be merged. A discussion of differing sex drives (this thread) is very different to a discussion of marriages where sex does not happen at all.

The two threads will not be merged. A discussion of differing sex drives (this thread) is very different to a discussion of marriages where sex does not happen at all.

Thanks Dr Z While I see your point, and thanks for not yelling by the way, the thread about sex not happening was mostly about one person withholding sex from the other - and to me that is the extreme of there being a difference of sex drives in a marriage...