Admitting fetishes to a new partner, male vs. female

Not a study large enough to be of any scientific value, but these are some observations from a lifetime of dating both men and women.

When you've met a new partner, wether short term, or other, finding out their kinks, and fetishes can be quite rewarding, and frustrating. Neither group tends to just jump up and tell you about them, but-

Women seem to be much more forthcoming. Women have admitted things to me before we even got to the bedroom. They may say 'Before we go to bed, you should know, I really like......' Toys are really common with lesbian sex, and sometimes a woman will just bring some favorites the first time. Watersports, enemas and a host of others, are brought up early in the relationship. Why hide something you really like? I've taken a shower with a woman the first time we were having sex, and she's peed on my leg, and asked if that was a turn on.

Men have a much harder time coming out about the things they like. They might think they will scare us off if they admit to using a butt plug during sex. In fact, I often discover a kink well into a relationship, and sometimes it's completely by accident. Enema equipment under the sink, their laptop left open with a bondage site up. (The open laptop is also sometimes not 'an accident' but a man's way of showing you something) Men seem to have the hardest time with same sex desires, and may not tell you ever. In the old days of magazines, I could tell a lot about a man by his collection, then 'surprise' him with something he likes, as if it were my idea! I found a stack of feminizing, and strap-on material in one guys apartment, and ran out and bought a strap-on. (By the way, I don't snoop, honestly)

I have never kicked a man, or a woman out of bed because they admitted something to me. It may not be to my taste, and I will tell them, it may be something I've not tried, and I'll try it, or we may discover that we have a mutual love for something, and it makes our relationship stronger.

For me, I had kept my closeted fetishes from the entire world for the 35 years since they had developed and don't intend to now share them one day with any of those people from my life in that period.

Now if I were to find a new partner, chances are my fetishes would be a big part of why I'd be getting involved with that new partner. New online relationships forming for me tend to be on sites like this one, where I'm more honest & open these past 2 years than the previous 35.

New people to my life would tend to get the more honest & open newer me, while the folks who have been in my life all the years prior are "grandfathered" to my secretiveness.

This is a topic I could actually use some advice with. Do women prefer to know I have a foot fetish and if their ok with that ease into other kinks? Or would you rather wait on all of it. I tried both with varied degrees of success and think maybe it's best to tell her about the foot fetish relatively early on. It's something I need and if she's not on board then probably no point in wasting each other's time

The difficulty is once you have told someone about your fetish you can't take it back. It's a very hard decision to make.

Tread lightly on telling your new relationship VP1856. Many of us wonder if we were to have the opportunity to start over, would we look for someone that shares our proclivity for our desired kinks. From my perspective, isn't that simple. When you are done playing for the day there are 21 hours left in the day, assuming you enjoy your fetish for three hours every day and 365 days per year. That's a lot of time to fill with talking, holding hands, laughing and doing things other than kink. Seriously, while there are matches of compatible kinksters to be made, and we read about many here at Zity, The likelihood of accidentally meeting that perfect Kinkster has very low odds. Therefore, you can take the plunge and discuss this with your new girlfriend, and see how much you can "move the needle" on your fetish. If you can take the chance of losing her over your disclosure, it is best to be forthright and honest. Perhaps it is best to slowly introduce your kinks and interests, and see where things go when there is a stronger bond. Again, if you must have someone who enjoys your kinks, then sites like Zity are filled with wonderful people looking for what you are interested in and it is best to be more direct in your search.

@DarlingPet sound advice.

Will definitely be taken. A new relationship does lose a little luster when i find shes not very open to some of the things. But most of them I believe I'm flexible with but those few that I can't sacrifice on, well their the ones that I'm most afraid to reveal

General advice:

If you are hoping one day to make it part of the relationship, then it's best to divulge sooner than later.

If you want to instead keep it a secret forever & never introduce it in, then plan to never mention it.

You can always throw it out there, and if your partner is not amenable to it, then make the choice influenced by whether or not you are willing to live without it.

When, where, and how do you tell a new partner that you can't have a relationship unless your fetishes are satisfied. Tough dilemma throughout my life, until I "aged" enough to realize the closet had gotten way too small for all my kinks.

I changed my approach by putting my fetishes on display. The enema bag with attachments, hanging from the IV stand in the corner, and the massage/exam table ready to be used at a moment's notice. Massage oils and lubricants, lab coats and stethoscopes.

Body Language is certainly one measure of approval or disapproval, but an open and honest discussion about likes and dislikes is always recommended in the early stages of a relationship.

I think it depends on what your fetish means to you. If is something you like or refer or if it is something you really need to get into. I am pretty forthcoming, and I try and make it fun, and generally have had pretty positive results. Even with people who were not too hip on the ideas at first. A lot of it is if you can make it pleasurable and fun for them.

I will never forget one older woman who had never done anything anal. I was eating her out and she was really into it and I started to slip a finger into her ass. She rolled forward removing my access to her ass. But she eventually slid back down. When she was a bit more excited and really humping her crotch on my face, I tried again and much to my surprise, she let the tip of my finger enter her anus. And than like 5 seconds later came down all the way onto it. She was more excited than I had ever saw her before. Afterwords she said she never would have done that, but it just felt so good. So, I think if you can make it very pleasurable for your partner, that helps a lot.

Likewise with my med fet stuff. Many girls are put off by speculums but many girls just love oral and when the speculum becomes an extension of pussy worship, that puts it in a much different perspective.

Buttwoman mentioned that men are less forthcoming about their fetishes. I agree because I fall into that group of men. I am very anal erotic and was slow to share those desires with girlfriends. I never revealed my enema fetish to any females except my wife and that was after we were married. It was high anxiety when I decided to tell her and at the time of that conversation it seemed to not sink in with my wife as if it did not happen. But I knew she was not interested because when I presented my big reveal- "I do enemas for sexual pleasure" it fell on deaf ears.

So yes men are much less forthcoming because of fear of rejection or being viewed as perverted men. That is what's in the back of our minds when we begin to reveal our fetishes. This may not be true of women revealing fetishes to other women.

So yes there differences and I do believe it's harder for men to turn over all their cards.

I am flexible in such things. You women and men can speak about all you want except violence and doing behind someone's back.

I think it depends on the fetish moreso than the gender of the partner.

If I bought my wife some R2-D2 bra and panties and said I wanted to play Star Wars, I have no doubt she'd go along. She might find it kind of silly, but she wouldn't say no.

But I'm not sure she would react the same way if I came at her with gloves and a stainless steel speculum dripping with KY and asked her to spread her legs for a pelvic exam.

In other words, the term "fetish" is pretty general and subject to much interpretation. Some fetishes are much more mainstream than others.

Fully compartmentalized here. I have kinks / fetishes I don't even share on Zity; it's all going to the grave, at least until the Estate people open those nondescript boxes in the garage.

I date a vanilla woman who I'm pretty sure has no clue; if she did it would be hasta-la-vista-baby to the relationship, our friends, and most likely my career. Why roll the bones on all that just to see if maybe, possibly, oh-please-please-please she might one time just to check it out actually give me a soap and suds two-bagger or let me give her one?

Nope. Not worth it. In the boxes it goes, in the boxes it stays.

My fetish is buttock injections and I have two ways of introducing it to new girlfriends.

One is simply indicating discomfort sitting down and explaining that I have just had some shots back there. The other is taking a girl with me (e.g. when fetching her before a date) when I have to get injections and letting her watch me get them in my bottom. Either way, if she responds by telling me about her own buttock injections or otherwise betrays interest, it is an indication that she shares my fetish.

Fully compartmentalized here. I have kinks / fetishes I don't even share on Zity; it's all going to the grave, at least until the Estate people open those nondescript boxes in the garage.

Totally understandable, especially if a career could be jeopardized. At some point, the reward simply doesn't warrant the risk.

Yes admiting to your fetish can be tough ect but I am sure we have have lots

I was with my (now) wife for 10 years before we moved in together and her sister found my porn collection. Oh yeah, this was 6 months before our wedding. The hardest part was that she knew I had a thing for latex gloves and nurse uniforms, but not to the extent that it really was. I regret not being more upfront with her sooner rather than her finding out on her own. She was crushed that I hid something from her for that long.

Be honest and deal with the embarrassment as it comes.

I was with my (now) wife for 10 years before we moved in together and her sister found my porn collection.

Be honest and deal with the embarrassment as it comes.

I hope you in turn complained that her sister was a snoop, an informer and rat-fink for sticking her nose into places and things that weren't any of her cotton-picking business.

Seriously, you had a valid reason for feeling crushed that you can't trust your in-laws with behaving in a civilized way. In my book that is a far more important personal failing than simply having a (harmless) predilection for nurses uniforms or latex gloves. Essentially that is not that much more than a fashion choice.

Snooping and informing are very despicable character traits. They are admired by authoritarian regimes however.

Nope, I was caught dead to rights when she was trying to print photos. I hear from upstairs, "what is latex nurse fisting".

Nope, I was caught dead to rights when she was trying to print photos.

SHE was trying to print photos? Wow, that is pretty low-down. Still a snoop and a pretty blatant one at that.

I as a male have a hard time admitting kinks to a lover or potential because it has burned me many times. I fear them leaving, because it HAS happened. I fear then trying to use it as balckmail because it HAS happened. The only time I'm really open about my kinks, is when I am on kink related and kink friendly sites. It doesn't seem to matter how sadistic she wants to be but when I suggest anything, I'm the weird one. I'm the demonized one. That gets old.

I find everything Buttwoman says to be spot on. My ex never told me of any kinks except that he liked to take photos of me and record me. He did like to see me with other women. He hated when I was on my period and did not want to touch me. But he sure didn't mind me masturbating during that time.

After getting rid of his cheating ass I started dating women. I found it to be more relaxed. I'm not sure if it was we were both women or what. I think that every woman I have dated had toys. Some only had a couple and some like me had a drawer full. I found the ones who had a drawer full had toys for different things. Like anal beads, plugs etc. I was never embarrassed to show them what I had. One loved enemas and anal among other things like water sports. I remember taking a shower with her and kissing her and she peed on my leg. She taught me how to explore and try new things. She would think of something and tell me. She had a way of talking me into it. She had never thought about feet being erotic. I did it just like it happened to me. One night we were tribbing and when I started to have an orgasm I started sucking her toes. After we talked and she said she would have never guessed and she loved it.

My twist on this is admitting new fetishes to an old partner, specifically my wife of 17 years. The one thing I can say definitively is that it's complicated... She knew I'd had same-sex experiences in childhood and in my early 20's but I think she's classified that as my fun little explorations in the past vs. an active part of who I am today. I'm sure I was deeply repressing my desires, but I definitely wasn't consciously aware of my very current kinky side until fairly recently.

While I've never just come out and said - "I want you to peg me and maybe slap me around some" or "pound me with this dildo for a while" we've talked more generally about sexual exploration (even in therapy) and her reaction has always been a mix of sadness/anger (sadness that she's not enough, followed by anger as less vulnerable defense mechanism). To be fair we've kept at the therapy type stuff and one of these days I'm going to use a vibrating butt plug with an attached cock ring (which makes the penis vibrate) while we're having sex. who wouldn't like that right? 😉

However, I'm waaay past that and don't see us really meeting anywhere near the middle. I saw a good comment here about kink being just a few hours of a day/week and still have to be with that person the remaining/majority of the time which in my case we're good for each other on many levels, I really support the work she does which is making the world a better place, and great parents of 2 adolescents. I almost called it quits about 2 years ago, well tried to really but I decided it would do more harm than good and in hindsight I think I made the right decision given that I had imperfect options to choose from.

I know noone can solve this for me but nice to have somewhere to vent 😃

I believe that if you're on this web site, whatever fetish you have is part of who you are. Better to put it out in the clear early on. "Back in the day" many newlyweds were both virgins on the wedding night. Pretty tough to discuss fetishes before marriage in that case. So it was a toss of the dice (I tried it, obliquely, on our honeymoon, and lost the toss of the dice). As they say in the 12-step program, "absolute honesty."

To expound on the advice I gave on this topic last May, when it comes to a non-new partner, i think unless you observe significant changes in your significant other, or just simply that the SO has become "more open to" whatever fetishes you might have, which you'd learn basically through communication, then I would say you should basically keep hidden fetishes/fantasies that you did keep hidden with your partner, assuming you don't detect in any way that they have changed. Otherwise, i can't see it doing any good.

For me, it depends on whether the person is vanilla or not. Some of our fetishes / kinky behavior may make us come off as odd to our partner. If my partner happens to be in the lifestyle, I'll take the risk of asking "what are you into? What turns you on?"

I have a question though. Some girls tend to ask the question "tell me a few of your secrets". Am i supposed to respond with my list of fetishes? I never have in the past. I always respond with a silly answer or give a long pause.

I think everyone in a long term relationship should be willing to try just about anything their partner is into. Twice.

Unless it physically harms you or disgusts you, try it. You love that person and if they want to lick your toes let them, even if it doesn't do anything for you sexually.

If looking for a playmate to join us, I'm VERY upfront about what I like and see no reason to not be.

I'm secure in my own fetishes, which are mainly girls in footed pajamas and/or girls in medically required protective masks (as in this pic here https://www.zity.biz/gallery/image/152581 ). What I'd be afraid of is freaking out at OTHER'S fetishes and kinks as I got to know them. Some are just a real turnoff, and it would be awkward looking her in the eye knowing she had xyz kink or fetish.

I have a question though. Some girls tend to ask the question "tell me a few of your secrets". Am i supposed to respond with my list of fetishes? I never have in the past. I always respond with a silly answer or give a long pause.

I don't think responding about your sexual fetishes - or habits for that matter - is what they want to hear with a question like that. To me it sounds like they want to hear about affairs of the heart, feelings and emotions, maybe about some of your youthful traumas or upsets.

The conversation would have to be sexual to begin with, specifically sexual before I'd start telling about my sex life or preferences. And I'd expect some reciprocity as well. I'd expect the same amount of reciprocity in fact.

I'm a total pervert and I have to tell at least some of them are they're going to freak out