‘I once swore to myself that I would never, under any circumstances, tell any of this to another living soul; but a bet’s a bet and the payoff for my losing a recent highly ill-advised one is to recount the most embarrassing incident of my life.

Of course, the other reason I’ve never told anybody is because I didn’t think anyone would believe something so outrageous; but it’s every word true nevertheless, as best as I can remember it at least.

Like most things I suppose, it started out rather unremarkably: I simply got my Acceptance Letter/Information Packet for the program I’d seemingly been working towards my entire educational life significantly later than expected.

That coupled with the fact that I frequently left things to the last minute in those days meant that I found myself in a terrible bind.

Because you see, my procrastination led to my calling to make an appointment [for the mandatory Physical that I had to have, pass, and turn in the results of by the following week] in a major panic. I lived in a rather rural community with only one facility being a real option for what I needed in the time frame required.

I told them what I wanted, and the lady on the phone said that the only slot they had that could possibly accommodate me in time was the next afternoon with a Physician’s Assistant named Chris S ‘something or other’ I don’t recall what the last name was actually, and as it turned out the first name was far more important to my blush-worthy misadventure.

The day of my Physical was to be a Day of Firsts, it was the first day of a new life/career path to be sure, but also a Day with a fair amount of discomfort and a LOT of embarrassment with most of those ‘firsts’ feeding directly into the discomfort and embarrassment.

So I showed up early, as I was instructed (so that I’d have time to fill out forms/answer a ‘few’ questions and such): you can probably imagine my surprise when I signed in and in the course of conversation found out that the ‘Chris’ who would be examining me was Christina S and not Christopher S as I had mistakenly assumed…OOPS.

I can’t recall for the life of me what I said but I’m sure I made it very obvious that I was highly dissatisfied with the situation/miscommunication.

This was also a first, as in the first time I ever had a Receptionist scowl at me, even if only briefly.

As I said, I don’t remember my exact words to her but I obviously said something that was perceived as terribly offensive or horribly sexist or perhaps both because I soon received the ‘Exam of my Life’ no doubt because I’d managed, albeit in a roundabout way, to anger my Examiner before I’d ever even met her which was also a first I must say.

However, at that point, I was still blissfully ignorant of what was ahead of me. Between the exam form I gave them, and the forms they had me fill out for their use it seemed like I answered every conceivable question.

They wanted to know if I drank (very rarely), if I smoked (never), did I use smokeless tobacco (nope) had I had a checkup within the last X number of years and on and on, finally asking me if I’d been sexually active within X number of months and did I take any drugs, prescribed or otherwise.

After I finished the forms I was ushered back to the exam room and had my Vital Signs taken, (considering everything about to occur in that very Exam Room I’d have to say that I was quite fortunate that the Nurse hadn’t been instructed to take my temperature rectally) and was then informed that ‘Chris’ would be with me in a few minutes.

And indeed, within no more than 10 or 15 minutes there was a brief knock on the door and Christina opened it, and introduced herself only to start asking me even more questions.

Among other things, it must’ve become increasingly obvious to her (if it wasn’t already from the forms I’d just finished) that I hadn’t been to a Doctor or a Physician’s Assistant/Nurse Practitioner for that matter, in a long time.

In retrospect, I’m pretty sure from some of her questions and my answers to them that it was also obvious that I hadn’t really paid much if any attention to what was actually on my exam form.

When I read the completed form, (after I’d driven back home) I realized that the form left a LOT of leeway for the Examiner to defer things if they wished, but as you’ll soon see Christina deferred absolutely nothing and indeed, did even more than was suggested.

Before that day, I’d never seen a female medical professional (or perhaps I should say I’d never been seen BY a female medical professional because she most definitely saw absolutely everything).

If I had to have my exam done by a woman, I would at least have chosen one who was [as my paternal grandmother used to say] ‘Ugly As Homemade Sin’ and/or so old that anyone who saw her would be wondering why she wasn’t long since retired and spending time with her great-grandchildren, if not both.

No such luck, as Christina was an attractive woman somewhat shorter than me though a little on the thin side in my opinion; she appeared to be in her late 20s or early 30s at the very oldest and she had a pretty face with a bit larger than average nose and rather full lips, as well as a nice body from what little I could see of it under her scrubs. She also had slightly wavy blonde hair that just reached her shoulders if memory serves.

After several minutes she finished with her questions and then said something that both shocked me and set the tone for the rest of my ultra-embarrassing exam. This isn’t verbatim but close enough I think: “Karen told me what you said out there, and at first I was inclined to just send you on your merry way and your educational hopes be damned.

But after thinking about it, I’m going to give you a choice: you can leave now without your precious form signed OR we can proceed with the exam. Before you decide, be aware that I can and will end the exam if at any point you are either disrespectful or anything less than 1000% cooperative.”

Before I could even begin to reply to that, she went on to say “my practice is well-established and my reputation utterly spotless, so even if you did tell somebody about any of this, there’s no way that you would be believed so don’t even bother trying.”

She then concluded by saying “I’m going to leave the room and then return in exactly 5 minutes: in the cabinet by the door there’s an exam gown that I picked out especially for you while you were waiting to be called back.

If you agree to proceed with the exam under the conditions I laid out then when I come back in I expect to find you sitting on the exam table wearing that gown and not a stitch more.”