I wish I had known about this as my last relationship became abusive and I thought I could hang in there and change him. I think I waited too long to end it as it just kept getting worse. I am free now and healing from it, just moving on with life now.

To answer SwitchableSusie question on LLC, it stands for an annual event, Leather Leadership Conference.

Here is the website for those interested in learning more. www.leatherleadership.org

Today I was doing some research as someone I know has been in an abusive relationship for like 11 years who I encouraged to leave like 8 years ago who is has been in a mentally abusive relationship. She just sent me an email that she left 4 months or so ago and mentioned "coercive control" which was phrase was coined by Evan Stark. I believe her husband meets the clinical definition that is currently in use, Antisocial Personality Disorder. It is worth doing a google search on coercive control and abuse domestic violence. In the process I came across a website full of useful information for anyone in an abusive relationship or anyone who thinks or knows that someone is in one which is certainly worth reading.

www.domesticshelters.org

Given the current civil unrest in our country today, people not really wanting to get involved, and the excuses of no action is a travesty. We can not afford to sit on the sidelines and do nothing, we can not expect others to do the work. We need to educate ourselves, look out for our fellow person, and give back to the community. The world is changing, the direction it takes is dependent on us taking action as individuals and collectively in a positive direction.

The post was very good my wife and I are more in a vanilla relationship very mild s&m no spankings or rough stuff.My wife is a lot younger than me 9yrs and due to medical reasons diabetic and prostate problems must wear a diaper just about 24/7 it seems our roles have somewhat changed 27yrs married she has become a lot more controlling but there is no dl/ab thing.Thanks for the post.

My wife are like that me being the sub her the dom but there are no spankings or rough stuff but know my place she is a lot younger than me.

That is how my marriage works per your other post.

I like this. As someone who is just getting into s/m kind of play it helps when explaining things to my fiance on why we are trying things and what is acceptable and not. Obviously most of this is pure common sense but reading the rules kind of helps make things seem less crazy and more controlled. Thanks for sharing with us Intrepid

Depends on one's ability to spot it in others, most people lack the skills and intuition to spot it in others. One could create a whole thread of itself quite easily on why subs don't recognize and come to terms with it. Some of the same reasons and mental aspects of vanilla world apply.

If only mental abuse were as noticeable as physical! It often happens so slow and subtle that the sub herself does not recognize the fact.

Wonderfully enlightening, thank you so much for beginning this thread!

I'm a teacher - can control a whole room full of teenagers, a mom, have been a team leader for an animal assisted therapy program and now run their temperament testing, can run a kitchen to have a meal ready for 200 people, and am the person who in a new group usually ends up leading the rest. And for the last few months, I've been a sub.

I think the mental side of D/s is a huge component, and yes it doesn't make sense that you're going to trust someone who is going to hurt you. But you do. Without trust, WHY would you let him hurt you? It's hard to explain to someone outside the relationship. When there's trust, the sub knows the Dom won't push too far - WILL push - and there's probably going to be pain and frustration, but not more than what you can take. And if the sub feels/knows it's becoming too much, you can use the safe word to pause or stop, trusting the Dom will. Then there's trust on the Dom's part that the sub is going to be honest about limits, about how she feels going into the training as well as during it, and more trust issues beyond those on the part of both.

There's going to be a tremendous amount of intimacy, also, far beyond the Dom making the sub cry (and in the several months I've been with my Dom, I've cried only a couple of times), even if you are a "cyber" sub. You will tell him things that you are experiencing physically and emotionally. It's strange at first, but it becomes more normal, even natural, as time passes and that trust builds. I say things to my Dom that I haven't said to anyone else, especially a man. And he says things to me no other man has.

As far as humiliation goes, my Dom does not humiliate me. I would not have him as Dom if he did. Sometimes I'm embarrassed, maybe by a question, even a private one, and often by an instruction - like telling the chat room how I was punished when I misplaced the plug. However, it's never been horrible, sometimes that type of situation is deserved, and I often learn from it. I guarantee I KNOW where that dang plug is now!

There is a balance in the D/s relationship and a completeness. I said to him a "yin-yang" for those who think that way. He gains by the control I give him, and I gain by letting go of that control and going under his direction and even protection. There's a real release from my normal life when I submit to him. I can't say that even from within the relationship it makes sense. I just know that it works.

Thank you for the responses, you paint a very different picture to the BDSM sessions that takes place in tacky dirty dungeon with creepies all over the walls- portrayed by the internet. LOL

I am now sure that I would never be dominatrix. Personally I am still trying to get my head around it. I question myself on how would I trust someone knowing they are going to hurt me? and how would I respond to someone that might make me cry? Not sure how to fix those question for myself in my head. Yet I am dying to experience it. I get it- I can see the attraction to give up control to someone else, and let them to totally responsible. I know the pain and humiliation is about taking your psychic to a high and low. thats where the kinky is. :-)

Betty Bum,

There is good and bad humiliation, and there is even destructive humiliation. One needs to know the difference and hence where communication is ever so important. Like a lot of people here like enemas and the love/hate that goes with it for some. They love the enema, but it is embarrassing and humiliating to them at the same time. I have had some woman who find it difficult to be totally naked in front of someone. So I do a little game of making them strip and when they are naked, give them reassurance and build their self confidence, etc. BDSM is not supposed to be harmful and destructive, but quite the opposite.

Betty,

My position is simple; BDSM does not necessarily include abuse, or humiliation. For some folks, however, they go hand-in-hand.

I like sensation play. Sensation play may involve finding that space in a play partner wherein that which might be construed as pain on one level, transcends into pleasure, and possibly pure unadulterated sexual excitation, leading to burgeoning tumescence, and hopefully awesome orgasms...

The sensual aspects of S&M are also enjoyed. Both sides of a slapper, my small ~ red pizza paddle, a leather paddle, or a crop, or most any of the leather accoutrements used in play ~ are tolerated well. I even used to make floggers and canes when I lived in San Francisco.

The psycho-sexual dramas that can be played out may be very stimulating on one or more levels of the human psyche...

And, too, I can enjoy a certain level of pain... I will surrender given the right circumstances. I'm not necessarily submissive, though I've always enjoyed being of service to another (business-wise, and personally). However, I remember during one visit to some friends in Oklahoma, and she took a hairbrush to my bare bottom; I did not like hard wood making contact with my naked derriere...

To many, it's all in the preparation, and how you take a partner on the journey.

I am not a fan of abuse or humiliation... Butt, there are many pleasures to be taken within the genre, BDSM.

Now, go out and make it a gr8 day!

Hermann

I was really hoping to run a cross a post like this. I wanted to know about S&M. I am totally uneducated on the topic. Even tho rough sex and slight pain excite me. The whole humiliation act puts me totally off. But I am new here...my opinion might still change.

LilJester, you know they talk about subs having limits, well so do Doms and they should stand by them, just like subs do. On top of that there is the responsibility issue and legal issue. What you are describing is someone who definitely needs a head shrinker.

Switchablesusie, LLC stands for Leather leadership Conference, http://www.leatherleadership.org/

I was involved in it in the early years and has grown into this massive thing. I sometimes wonder if it has become a victim of it's own success and has become too diverse and lost site of the original purpose.

Some people really want to be beaten up.

I would stop at any level of injury that requires medical attention or will not heal on its own.

i.e. cutting requiring any sutures to close, broken bones, torn ligaments and muscles, head injuries, amputations, electrical stimulation above the waist, drugs, etc., etc.

Intrepid----What or who is LLC?

Here is one for you to wrap your head around. I had an ex that wanted me to be her Dom. No big deal, I'm into and used to it... but here's the messed up part. She wasn't satisfied with simple canings, floggings, or anything unless she was SERIOUSLY injured. Of course I refused to go THAT far but she wanted me to basically put her in the hospital and beat the crap out of her. wtf... It's not just the DOMINANT that can be messed up, but the sub has to know the limits.