The one person I cared for the most was lying on his deathbed, and I was forced to be kept at the mercy of God’s decision of whether he was meant to pull through. Of all the times for this to happen, Christmas Eve had to be it? I silently cursed God and told myself that there was no way that I’d have to fulfill my promise to Luke because he was going to make it through. And yet, part of me felt that he wasn’t coming back. I knew what had to be done and hated myself for going through with it.

While I don’t like lying, I’m really good at it. Maybe it’s the look in my eyes or innocent tone of voice I use when I make something up, but nobody could ever tell that I was lying…except for Luke, of course. Years of practicing getting out of trouble with my mom made it possible for me to say just about anything with a straight face, and now I was about to lie to Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, although it was more like a half-truth than an actual lie. I took a quiet but deep breath and-

“Molly, sweetheart, do you want to ride with us to the other hospital?” Mrs. Thompson asked.

“Oh, that’s okay. I left my phone in my car and need to tell my dad I won’t be home. I’ll meet up with you there.”

Mr. and Mrs. Thompson told me they’d let me know if anything changed while I was gone, and I told myself that this would be the quickest trip I’d ever made being away from Luke. I headed out of the hospital in a haze and hurried to my car. I knew what I was about to do. While I didn’t want to leave the hospital with the possibility of Luke dying before I got back, my heart was telling me that I had to do this now. It was as if something in my soul was telling me that this was the only chance I had to do this.

While driving towards Luke’s house, feelings of dread, anxiety and sadness were clouded with the scene of Luke in the hospital bed telling me to fulfill the promise I made to him. What on Earth was he so afraid of people finding out about him? Ever since the night he told me he was hiding something, I couldn’t help but rack my brain trying to think of what it could be. I had ruled out a serial killer or drug dealer; Luke was too harmless to hurt anybody and too honest to get mixed up with the law. I had even tried prying it out of him a few times through bribery and sharing a secret of my own, but he was persistent in keeping quiet about it. And with Luke on his death bed, there was no way I’d find out what it was because of my promise.

I swore at every red light, every stop sign, and every last person that got in my way while going to Luke’s house. It was only a seven minute drive, but it felt like hours. All the while, I kept begging God to keep Luke safe and that if he died, then to not let it happen until I made it to the other hospital.

The Thompsons’ house was covered in lights and holiday decorations. Gigantic candy canes lined their driveway, and I nearly took half of them out with my car. The winter night was silent as I exited my car and approached the one-story yellow house that I’d been to a million times before. I could see the fluorescent light glowing from the kitchen window and made my way to the back door. Although I could see my breath as I walked outside, I was too numb to feel the freezing cold air hitting my face.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” I whispered to myself.

Once I got to the back door, I reached for the knob and turned it, my hands trembling violently. I felt like I was committing a crime while at the same time feeling like if I went through and deleted Luke’s computer history, then he would die. Would the action I was about to take be the trigger that ended his life?

I took a deep breath and turned the handle, expecting it to be locked. To my surprise, the door opened right up and I found myself inside of Luke’s foyer. His parents probably forgot to lock it when they got the news. I took my boots off, entered the kitchen, and then walked through the dining room and down the dimly lit hall. Luke’s room was the last door on the right, and oddly enough, there was a light from what was most likely his computer monitor shining from beneath his door.

Hesitantly, I entered his room, and there on his desk sat his computer, just waiting for me to get rid of all of the evidence in which I’d never even laid eyes upon. As I approached the computer monitor, I could smell Luke’s cologne, and I couldn’t help but look around to see the posters of his favorite band, The Purple Pillars, and the picture on his dresser he had of him and me at a bonfire from the year before. That was when I lost it once more. There in his room, I sobbed and sobbed, each cry harder than the last.

“I can’t! I can’t do this!” I cried. “Please, don’t kill him! Please! That’s not fair! You can’t take him from me now!”

My closest friend, my partner in crime, the only guy who I could playfully smack and would allow to return the favor, was about to die. I clutched the photo on his dresser and sat down at his desk, wiping away the tears with my free hand and pulling my cell phone out of my pocket; I’d left Luke’s exact instructions on a file on my phone, just in case it ever came to this. Even though there were a good amount of steps to take, they were simple enough:

1.) Open the Smooth Sailing internet browser

2.) Go to History

3.) Select Clear All

4.) Select Yes

5.) Once that’s done, click on Libraries on the desktop

6.) Select Music, then click on the Great Tunes folder.

7.) Once there, right-click on the folder that says This Is Good Music! and press Delete

8.) Click Yes

9.) Right click on the Garbage Can on the desktop

10.) Select Empty Garbage Can and select Yes

Luke is such a dork that he’d even made me practice running through this a billion times on my laptop, each time telling me, “I just want to make sure you’ve got this down.” Part of me wondered, as I sat in his room, if he knew he was going to get into the car accident, which is why he’d taught me so many times. Or maybe this was all part of a bigger plan made by God himself. No matter what the real reason was, this simple task became one of the hardest things for me to do.

Luke is a good person, I silently prayed, you have no reason to take him. If I go through with his promise, please please PLEASE do not take him. I beg of you.

I took the computer mouse with my right hand and slowly moved to open Luke’s internet browser. In a matter of a minute, I had successfully cleared the history; my task was halfway complete. In another two minutes, I would be finished and would be on my way to the hospital.

I found the This Is Good Music! file hidden under Luke’s music library and right-clicked it, just as he’d shown me. I hovered the cursor over the Delete function, ready to carry out the last few steps of fulfilling my promise, when suddenly a torrent of curiosity plagued my brain. The questions returned once more, only this time they were practically screaming in my head. What did Luke want to hide from everyone, including his best friend? Nothing could’ve been so bad that he had to hide it so adamantly.

The fate of Luke’s secret was in my hands. Just a few more clicks and I’d destroy it forever…and yet I found myself wanting…no…needing to know what it was. I needed to know what he was scared of and what he promised to tell me. If he died, wouldn’t the weight of his secret bear down on him with nobody to share it with? I was his best friend! I’d never judge him or think differently of him, no matter what!

I have to know…I just have to! What if this torments him after he dies? Or what if I find out and he makes it through, and then I tell him it’s okay? Maybe that will make him feel better and recover faster! That’s it! Maybe that will work!

The flash drive in my purse screamed for me to copy the folder before deleting it. Maybe it was the fact that I’m nosy and a little naive, or maybe it was part of me not thinking as straight as I usually do because of the insanity of that night’s events, but it wasn’t long before my flash drive was put into Luke’s computer and his folder was being copied. The little blue progress meter got longer and longer, and I could see a few of the folder’s files zoom by as they were copied. While I didn’t pay too much attention to them since I was more concerned with getting back to the hospital, a few files caught my eye as they were copied. First, there was a “diapers.jpg” file, then a “babydays.doc,” and some other files with similar titles. Was Luke a father? It couldn’t be! He’d have told me if he was having a fling with someone else!

The questions didn’t linger for long, as the file finished copying and I had to see how Luke was doing. I right-clicked the sacred folder, and finished the process of deleting it from Luke’s desktop, thus making sure nobody in his family would know what secret he was hiding.

I pulled my flash drive out of the USB port and ran back out of the Thompsons’ house, slipping my boots on as I did so. I pulled back out of their driveway and sped off towards the hospital. With my promise to Luke sort of fulfilled, I found myself still praying that Luke would pull through, while “diapers.jpg” and “babydays,doc” started finding their way into my thought process.

* * *

You know how there have been people who claim that they see a bright light when they’re about to die? Well, they’re right, because that’s exactly what I saw….at first, at least. I remember looking to my left to see a blue Jeep barreling towards me. The traffic light was green, my directional was on, and I was just about to turn down Main Street to get to the mall to buy Molly a few last minute Christmas gifts. And there was that damn blue Jeep. I screamed some kind of obscenity, shielded my face with my arm, and then found myself barely able to move in a hospital bed, with my parents hovering over me, crying.

They said a few things, and so did who I assumed was the doctor, and then Molly bolted into the room. Never in my life did I think I’d actually have to ask her to do me the favor of deleting my computer’s history, but the corner of the hospital room had a bright light that kept getting bigger and bigger. She looked so upset, too, but what was I supposed to do? My parents or whoever would’ve received my computer would’ve found out that I was an infantilist, which I was 99 percent positive was considered taboo in according to my family’s standards. Molly might have understood after explaining it to her a few times, but even then, I wasn’t ready for her to know.

Seeing Molly cry made me upset, and that image followed me, even into the bright light. I could hear her faintly crying in the distance, even though everything else, including my own breathing, was silent. It was funny; there was no pain there, nor was there any worry or anxiety, or even fear. There was nothing, but it was a good kind of nothing.

And still, despite there being nothing, I knew I heard Molly’s cries.

“Luke is a good person…you have no reason to take him. If I go through with his promise, please please PLEASE do not take him. I beg of you.” I heard Molly’s voice. ”What is he so afraid of? I have to know…I just have to!”

I turned around since Molly’s voice sounded as if it were behind me, and in the distance, I could see her sitting at what was no doubt my computer desk.

“Molly? What are you doing here?” I asked.

No answer. I walked a little closer to her and continued calling her name, but it was as if I weren’t even there. The closer I got, the easier it was for me to see what she was doing: she was copying my folder! You’d think I would’ve been frightened or freaking out at her, but again, wherever I was, there were no negative feelings. Instead, I found myself continuing to make my way over to her. When I finally came within arm’s length of Molly, I placed my hand on her shoulder, and I could see her deleting the files I’d asked her to, while also taking out a flash drive from my computer. She still didn’t move nor react to my touch. When I tried to take the flash drive from her hand, that’s when everything turned bright again, and I found myself floating, light as a feather, wanting to tell Molly that I was okay.