I just had a very odd, strange and uncomfortable experience.
I had joined a few Discord servers related to medfet. It was less that I knew about them and wanted to be part as much as I was merely exploring and, actually, trying to research to see if there were existing “servers” that catered to our particular fetish. Having joined them, at least on one I'd put some info out there that I was a doctor and able to give online exams.
Now, I'm not a total neophyte. Having written a number of stories on Tumblr I'd had a few occasions with readers who wanted to discuss further, and eventually the idea of doing an online exam appealed to them, more to experience what it would be like. So we discussed it, and went from there.
This time, a woman reached out unexpectedly. It started well, to me, someone with the “complaint” of feeling rundown after all the holiday festivities, having to host and plan and clean up after lots of family. Great, right? But … I didn't really know what she wanted. Even asking, she seemed to defer to me, willing to just “adapt” as we go. Ummm….okay. Well, she said she was going to take her blood pressure and she could call me (Discord voice chat) so I could ask her questions while she fiddled about with the machine. Okay!
But I'd try to ask leading questions… have you been feeling well? Any pains or discomfort? Felt feverish? Etc. … “Nope, no, nothing like that …” she'd answer. So now what?
I mean … I kind of put myself out there for this sort of thing. And I'm very much interested in doing it. But at the same time, there's probably still a part of me that feels … wrong? … about it. Well, not wrong … not wrong for having the fetish, or being interested in “playing doctor”. But still, there I am wondering, wtf am I doing here?
Let's see if I can cover a couple specific issues I know I have, maybe just writing it out will help me come to terms with what it all means, hm?
First, a medical fetish – and medical/doctor “play” – doesn't have to be sexual. Right? But how do you tell in advance how someone feels about that? And is it that for me? The few times I have done a full “exam” it's been positioned as a full gynecological exam, and the persons who were patients were younger females and I could consider myself at least somewhat interested/attracted to them. But should that be necessary? Is it necessary? If it is necessary, is that okay?
This was a woman more my own age. And there's nothing wrong with that. But hearing her voice, I didn't feel any kind of interest, no attraction. Part of me felt guilty that I didn't. I mean, a doctor doesn't care about that sort of thing…but I am not actually a doctor. But a play exam doesn't have to be sexual either, so where does that leave me?
I think the ultimate problem was actually on her side – when I asked what she wanted out of the experience she couldn't give me any information at all. Without that, I didn't have any foundation and I think that's probably where I felt most uncomfortable, if I think about it. If she could have said something like any of the following:
- “I just want to feel like I'm experiencing a simple physical exam…”
- “I enjoy fantasizing about being examined and I want to explore that…”
- “I want to pretend I'm having a visit to my gynecologist…”
- “I get a thrill out of pretending to be exposed and touched by a stranger in the guise of a physical exam and I want to experience that…”
I think I probably could have moved forward. But I didn't know what her motivations were, and that left me with my own motivations. And … perhaps I wasn't even sure what my own motivations were?
Second, without the context of discussing it with the person – building up a rapport – what happens in an online exam? Is it all make believe? Do I say…
- “Pretend I'm lifting up your gown and placing my stethoscope on your chest…” OR
- “I lift up your gown and place my stethoscope on your chest…” OR
- “Lift up your gown, and place something on your chest and pretend it's me…”
I honestly don't know what someone necessarily wants. And, hell, I've only done this a couple of times, and I don't really know what is possible or what works well, so I don't have a way of being proactive, taking charge, and just plowing forward. Maybe I'm just too hesitant, too unsure of myself. That's certainly true of me in general when I'm around women and the very idea of physical contact/intimacy comes up. I've never, ever been able to get comfortable with it, not even during 16 years of marriage (and that's a significant part of why it wasn't more than 16 years!). To this day, I think I still feel somehow guilty or perverted with being the outgoing one and revealing that I'm feeling aroused or attracted to something or someone unless they've been clear enough that I can tell I'm not putting myself out there.
It's not rejection I fear, so much as judgement. I've felt like this medical fetish thing is wrong, for so very long, that the very act of engaging in it feels like I'm doing something disgusting and if I'm not careful I'll get discovered. I'm 51, and that's dumb, and it's so logically contradictable that there's no reason for it. Yet there it is, still, nonetheless.
I've got that self-esteem problem, thinking that I'm a twisted pervert of some sort and I don't want to be discovered. I've also got this awkwardness about not knowing really how to proceed in interacting with someone in the context of an online exam. Finally I'm wanting to put myself out there somehow and play/explore/engage with people in real life, yet I can't help but think, if I can't even do this in a virtual situation, how the hell can I ever do it in person?
I guess this all just leaves me as a big mess, and I'm not sure where to go from here, so … enough writing for now. TTFN, thanks for reading, if anyone does read this, and hey – if not – I think it was still a little helpful to get it out of my system, so … yay me!