Hospital again

I calculated out that I have spent almost as much time in hospital as out so far this year. On Feb 14 due to calls from concerned Facebook friends, police did a “wellness check” on me and found me naked and unconscious on the floor, very close to taking my last breath. When I got home yesterday, I found a royal mess beside my bed, it looks like I'd fallen out of it - a shelf on my night stand was bashed in and the old wooden chair I sat on at mealtime when I was a kid was overturned and broken, my bipap now underneath it instead of on top. I believe I can fix the chair with some glue, thankfully. My step mother had bought a set of 4 for $5 each and stripped and refinished them - she counted 17 layers of paint on one. My dad gave me two and kept two when he sold his condo.

Anyways, I spent a few days in the ICU before going to a regular ward and was on a Holter monitor for 3 days. My memory of those days is very foggy. I don't remember the police finding me or of the trip to the hospital. Nor do I remember much of what happened in the ER or ICU - just tiny bits and pieces. It's a very weird feeling to have blocks of time missing.

For a few days, I thought I was dead and in Purgatory. I was thinking “damn, the Catholics are right”. The dates on my wipe off board were all wonky ie. Feb 18, then Feb 21, then Feb 20 etc. The highest date never went above Feb 23 so I thought that was the date I died. The long weekend seemed to go on forever. I had to prove to myself I wasn't dead ie. by telling myself that dead people don't eat, don't have flowing blood etc. Finally, the date on the board said Feb. 24 and I was so relieved. I think what was happening was I was dreaming.

They couldn't find my phone for a few days and not having it drove me up the wall. When I did finally get it, I couldn't get to Zity as they have it blocked. This is new as last year when I was hospitalized, I was able to get here.

I tried writing but I had to do it the old fashioned way and I cannot write by hand anymore. My writing is worse than a doctor's. Speaking of doctors, I literally told mine to fuck off when she wouldn't let up on my weight, despite me telling her that it was not up for discussion. She didn't like that and told me to never use that word again. I replied that it's just a word and that people who swear are generally more intelligent than those who don't. (there is a study showing that)

Anyways, I am very glad to be home!