This is very personal and all true. I’m inspired to share it based on some recent intimate communications with 2 genuine and sympathetic Zity members.
This post is about my early teenage life, where my sexuality and my interest in the bottom and anal play and playing doctor came from. I have only written this down in fragments before, and only shared it with a few of the women I’ve dated. All I can say is that I will be honest here but I suppose some people will not like it or be interested. For those who are, I hope you enjoy my memories.
The first time I can recall thinking in a sexual way and having any particular interest in girls' bottoms (and my own for that matter) was in middle school. Puberty time hit me hard. I could not help staring at any cute girl who's pants hugged their legs and butt. I definitely fantasized about pulling down their pants and seeing their bare bottoms, not that I would have had any clue what to do after that point. Back then, just seeing a girl's naked behind would have been enough to make me pass out I suppose. That didn't happen until I was 16. I grew up an only child and with parents who were a bit remote and didn't ask a whole lot of questions, so I didn't have a close female relative or friend. Females were always a mystery to me, always beautiful and desireable.
At home alone I sort of discovered my bottom and started looking at it, as if it had never existed before, just looking over my shoulder into the mirror in the bathroom. At this point I hadn't begun masturbating yet, so it was mostly me looking at myself out of curiosity and wondering if any of those cute girls from school were at home doing the same thing? And then fantasizing about being able to watch them take off their clothes and look at themselves naked in the mirror. At some point, I began to wonder if girls did all the gross things that me and my guy friends did, pee in the outdoors, fart, shit, have dirty underwear, and so on. I just always thought of that as Guy Stuff, never associated it with girls or women. Of course although I knew the reality and the biology, it just wasn't easy to concieve of these pretty classmates of mine doing such things. Even typing this all now makes me feel the same feelings of being odd or weird. But these were my thoughts then. As I grew older and talked more to guys, I realized that some other guys had similar thoughts.
A key moment in my sexual awaking was a trip to the pediatrician's office for my annual checkup before school started, probably 6th grade or so.
My doctor was a middle-aged man, nice guy, not that I had any attraction to him (I'm heterosexual). As the exam progressed and my clothes came off, I began to get feelings of anxiety, embarrassment, and something probably related to being turned on sexually in a way, feelings I have no memory of in any previous doctor visit. The moments which are most clear begin with me being on my back on the exam table, wearing only my underwear, as he palpated my lower abdomen, which I felt was already getting a little too close to the private parts of my body. Then without saying anything, his fingers curled under my waistband and pulled my underwear down just to my thighs, and began to examine my penis and testicles. This caused my whole body to feel very hot all of a sudden and I remember being shocked at the sensation of his hands and fingers on my private parts. I didn't get an erection although I was completely stimulated. I remember just starting at his face as he looked at my genitals and examined them. Then he stopped and pulled my underwear back up and asked me to turn over onto my stomach.
As I lied down, my feelings of being out of control, embarrassment, excitement were intense. My 12 year old mind started to wonder and make the connection that if the doctor just examined my very private frontside so intimately then perhaps the same was about to happen to my backside? Or maybe not I thought since he was only examining my spine for a while. Suddenly I felt his fingertips again slip under my waistband and I knew what was about to happen. Though it was years ago I can still remember the surge of something, maybe adrenaline, shooting through me. It felt like my blood got instantly hot. And he lowered my underwear again to my thighs, baring my bottom. I could feel the cold air of the doctor's office on my skin and I remember thinking for the first time consciously 'someone is looking at my naked bottom' and being very, very excited about it. But at the same time, apprehensive, a bit scared. The next thing I felt were his hands on my cheeks, and quickly he spread me wide open as he examined inside my bottom. I'm not even sure at the time if I knew the word 'anus' but I could feel that same cool air touching that normally unexposed area as I lay there completely open to the doctor's eyes. It was a feeling unlike anything I had felt up to that point in my life, a feeling physical, emotional, psychological, all things I realize now, but then it was just a confusing, intense, hot, sort of shameful, and incredible feeling all at once. I'm sure this part of the exam didn't last more than a few seconds, although it felt much longer. It wasn't a rectal exam (which I didn't get until I was in college), he didn't penetrate or even touch my bottom hole. He just looked. Which was almost more than I could handle then anyway. Quickly my underwear was pulled back up to my waist and he continued with the rest of the exam, not that I can remember anything else that afternoon except for those amazingly unexpected and intimate moments which I thought about for the rest of the day (and for the rest of my life obviously.)
I wanted to know what the doctor saw, what he was looking at. That night was the first time I recall looking at my own anus. I had my own bathroom with a wall mirror, so I bent over and spread my cheeks and took a look. I'm not sure what I expected to see. It was really very simple, pale and pinkish skin in between my cheeks and a small pink wrinkled spot in that crevice (at the time I was completely hairless). It didn't even look like a hole really. Over the weeks and months I would sometimes go into my bathroom and examine myself, when no one else was at home. Eventually, I started touching myself there, touching my penis as it became hard. I would spread myself wider, pulling with my fingertips the hole itself and noticed how very dark pink my anus is inside (the rest of my body is very pale, northern European ancestry). Over time I began to push my finger inside just a little bit, to see how it felt. Sometimes good, sometimes not so much. Lubrication helped, I used some kind of cream that was in the bathroom closet. Later I realized that the handle of my hairbrush which was made of wood and smooth and round at the end, that it would slide inside me very easily if I applied the cream. I would sometimes fuck myself with this handle. Sometimes I would just watch in the mirror, noticing how almost purple my asshole became the more I fucked it, other times I would masturbate at the same time. Sometimes I would imagine I was being watched by one of my cute classmates from school. I would get excited imagining that one of those cute girls might be doing the same thing to herself at home in the mirror too.
Other than classmates, the other main fantasy that I used to have involved some of the women than lived in our neighborhood. Especially our next door neighbor Lindsey. She was very nice and sometimes babysat me and other kids on the street. There was never anything weird that happened, just that I thought she was pretty and had a crush on her. So at night once I figured out how to masturbate in bed without anyone knowing or finding any "evidence", I used to masturbate imagining that Lindsey was the babysitter and that I was sick in bed. So I imagined her basically doing everything that my pediatrican had done to me, except that I also added the idea that Lindsey took my temperature rectally. So I would pull down the covers and lay on my bed and role play, by myself. I would imagine her sitting on the bed next to me, explaining that she would have to take my temperature and that it would have to be in my bottom. I would protest that I didn't want her to see my naked butt and she would tell me that she understood but that it was necessary. Then I would say OK. Imagining it was her hands, I would then slowly pull my pajama bottoms down to my thighs and imagine that Lindsey was there looking at my bare cheeks. I would slowly spread my own cheeks with my hands pretending that it was Lindsey doing it, Lindsey looking at my anus, gently applying vaseline to me, and inserting the thermometer. I just had to imagine all that as I stroked myself until I came. On afternoons or evenings when my parents were not at home, I would do the same thing only I would use the actual rectal thermometer in my parent's bathroom cabinet and the vaseline. It was not until many years later that a woman would put a rectal thermometer into that particular little opening of mine. I still occasionally think of Lindsey as an adult and wonder "what if?"
Thank you in advance for any feedback and or comments about similar experiences.