My wife, Sharon, had just finished taking an enema and had returned to the kitchen wearing just her robe. I had been busying myself making a marinade for the lamb that I would later grille outside, but looked up when she entered. “Well, are you feeling better?” I asked.
“I am. You know that a good enema always makes me feel better and this time it was no exception,” she replied with a broad smile. The vision of her on the bathroom floor with the bulging red bag of warm water suspended above her immediately came to mind.
“You’ve taken them for a lot longer than we even have known one another. Now I’m curious. How did it start? We have never talked about that,” I asked as I found some fresh thyme to add to the lamb.
“I was in college and during those first two years was a commuting student. To save on money I carpooled with two other students, Lisa and Janet. It was Janet’s week to drive and so we met at her house. I remember that I was PMSing and feeling really out of sorts. She asked me if I was OK and I told her. Her mom, who also happened to be an RN, overheard me and said that what I needed was to go home after class and take a warm enema.” It was not only what she did, but had Janet doing each month as well.
“So is that what you did?”
“Well, not at first. The idea sort of grossed me out because I hadn’t had one of those in a couple of years. It was also a bit embarrassing. For one, it was awkward to hear it from a friend’s mom, but also I was not going to go home and tell my mom what my friend’s mom said I needed.”
“I guess I would have been embarrassed, too, but then again it is not something that guys would ever talk about. You said not at first though.”
“I thought about it so much all during class that I wasn’t really paying any attention to the professor. To be honest, I really did feel like crap and only wanted to feel better. A good nap would have been nice, too.”
“So Janet’s mom was convincing?”
“Not at first. Having to get an enema was never one of my favorite things to have at that age. Sure, my mom had given me some, but I tried to avoid them. Also, that day I tried to put the idea out of my head, but wasn’t totally successful. By the time I got home I had more or less convinced myself that I’d give it a try, but was nervous about trying to do it on my own. Still, I was not about to discuss it with mom.”
“I had no idea that you previously didn’t like enemas. I thought that you had decided to like them even when you were a little girl.”
“Hardly. But to continue the story, when I got home I went up to my room to drop off my books. Mom wasn’t going to be home for a couple of hours, so I went into the bathroom and got out the enema bag. I must have stood there with it in my hands for the longest time trying to screw up my courage. I was still feeling crummy so I made up my mind that I could do this. The warmth felt wonderful, but so did going to the bathroom. I really hadn’t been aware that my cycle gave me so much constipation, but getting cleaned out felt good, too.”
“So that’s the story?”
“Well, not entirely. For junior year when I moved into an apartment with two other girls, one of whom was Janet, I wasn’t getting home so often so I had to find a way to take an enema there. The year before I had bought a folding syringe for douching, but would also use it for a monthly enema. As it turned out, both Janet and Kathy were doing the same thing. Still I was only taking one enema a month. That all changed at about the time you and I first met because I started taking a second one each month just because they made me feel so good.”
“And that’s the end of the story?”
“Well, not quite. After taking enemas with my folding syringe for a couple of years I realized that it probably wasn’t the best idea to use it for douching, too. A few months before you and I got married, I bought the familiar red combination bag that we now both use.”
“How could I ever forget it? So over the years how many enemas do you think you’ve taken?”
“Gosh, now you have me thinking. I’ve been doing two every month for 38 years plus there is probably another 2-3 years of one a month. And that doesn’t count those I got from my mom when growing up.”
“If I can count correctly, it isn’t two enemas per month but two per menstrual cycle. So 38 x 2 x 13 is 988. Add another 30 or so and we could say that you’ve had 1028 enemas. If each was two quarts, then that’s 514 gallons of warm soapy water.”
“I really wish that you wouldn’t do those calculations because it becomes so overwhelming.”
I had to laugh but then added, “We could also add in the number of times you’ve douched because it would be safe to say that you are well past being an old hand around a syringe.”
“Maybe you should just stop there,” said Sharon. “But I still love being well cleaned out and still try to take two a month even though I longer have a monthly visitor.”
“That’s my girl. Squeeky clean!”