Hey folks - been a little troubled lately. While finding this MedFet community on Zity has been rather liberating (freeing / assuring / uplifting) I've recently starting having some old issues resurface. First, let me say that I had a pretty fucked-up childhood. I was raised in a very strict, fundamentalist religious family. My father was an abusive, hypocritical ogre (to put some sugar coating on it). He preached a hard line, drank hard, and beat the shit out of me if I even came close to the line, let alone cross it. Might help explain why I am the way I am - or at least being to explain it. Anyway...
Many years ago, after I got out of the military, I started seeing a therapist - primarily to deal with service connected shit. One of the therapies that helped was writing down my thoughts - and pulling no punches - just putting down my thoughts with no filters. And it helped. For a while at least. I haven't seen a therapist in years. That's one of the reasons I was so thrilled to find this community - especially the accepting nature of most everyone here. And that's one of the reasons why I decided to start this blog.
Anyway - I've been cruising around the discussion forums and contributing here and there if I felt that I had something to add. Reading these threads has made me think a lot about some of my childhood -- especially how we would spend a week at my aunt and uncle's farm for a family reunion gathering - -stuff that I hadn't thought about that in forever - literally decades. Reading other people's experiences was interesting, and it made me remember various things.
Anyway - over the last week or so, I've been having nightmares related to my childhood, and in particular those summer family reunions. These dreams are vivid and have me waking up agitated with my pulse racing and sweating. That soft focus of memory is sharpening into a much darker reality. I'm remembering shit from those summers, and from the basement of that old farmhouse that - well, I've obviously repressed. To be honest, while it seems real as shit, I'm not sure how much of it is true and how much of it is nightmare from my subconscious. I mean, I know that we all have had less than idyllic childhoods - and while I won't pretend that I grew up with Beaver Cleaver or the gang from Happy Days, I've been around enough to know that there are many folks who had it much worse than I did and they turned out okay.
I'm not sure if writing any of this down will help, or if I'll eventually need to seek out someone for formal therapy sessions. I guess we'll see. Writing this stuff down, and exploring how much is memory and how much is from my twisted subconscious imagination might help me put it all in perspective and put some of the nightmares at bay - or it might not.
I guess I'm writing this for two reasons. First, I need to exorcise some of this dark shit that has begun sneaking into my dreams like a blitzing linebacker, and Second, I guess to see if others here have dealt with similar shit.
Sorry - this probably isn't very entertaining. But in this case, I'm writing for me - not for you. If you find it helpful, or if you think you can help - then great. If not, and it bothers you - then don't read it.
Until next time - Fred