So, been giving this a lot of thought - my new realization of a long standing medical fetish. What exactly is it that draws me in? Is it the humiliation? The loss of control? The vulnerability? The exhibitionist in me?
I guess here is where I am:
My anxiety (and therefore, my fetish?) seems to only take place when the medical professional is female. I've never had these feelings with a male medical professional. It also seems to ramp up when there is more than one medical person involved. Here's kind of a weird thing though - looking back, it seems that my anxiety (and my excitement) is elevated with less attractive female healthcare personnel. Don't get me wrong - an exam by an attractive female PA, MD, or CNP has a strong impact - I find that my heart races, my throat constricts, my mouth goes dry, and a light, cold sweat breaks out on my back and my forehead, and my toes go cold. But those feelings seem to get amplified if the person doing the exam is more plain, maybe a little stockier, and isn't wearing make up like a model. Weird? I don't know.
Thinking more about it - just what exactly is it that generates that psycho-sexual satisfaction? One thing I've learned reading the wide variety of posts on this site is that some of the things that turn some people on do absolutely nothing for me -- and I'm sure that some of the things that turn me on are equally irrelevant and inconsequential to others. One thing that I have learned here is, well, that's okay. I don't think anyone here is here to judge.
That being the case, I thought I'd try to break it down. What is it exactly that "fires my jets" about my medfet? Well, we've already established that it's really only with members of the opposite sex as care givers. Second, individual "hotness" isn't necessarily relevant. Third, an individual female healthcare professional is tremendous - a second is even better (tremendous-er?!?).
But why? It isn't "sexual" - except that it is. It isn't about any stupid belief that any of it could evolve into an actual sexual relationship. But there is a sexual satisfaction involved - both in the anticipation leading up to the exam, and definitely for quite a while afterwards. Also, it isn't necessarily about exhibitionism. I know that there are guys out there who get off on showing their goods to anyone (or any woman) that they can. These guys send unsolicited "dick-pics" and think that their package is the truly unique and the best thing ever. And, well, that isn't me. That being said, the medical exam that includes genital examination and/or nudity is really where the thrill is for me. The digital rectal exam? Not so much. I've never been into any kind of anal play - just not a thing for me, so the prostate exam is more of a "pain-in-the-ass" (pun intentional) than a turn on.
So, it isn't about showing off my penis - because outside of a medical setting, I just can't see any satisfaction (or stimulation) for me from that simple act. I know some guys do (and that's okay), but that's not something for me.
So, is it the power dynamic? Being naked or almost naked while the female care givers are clothed and in control? Yeah, I think that's part of it. I most situations in my adult life, I'm the one in control or exercising some level of leadership, so flipping the dynamic may well be part of it.
Is it embarrassment? The thrill of breaking of a taboo? Probably. I grew up in a strict, religious, and abusive household. As a kid, I was taught that my body was shameful. If/when I got caught exploring my body or with a "girlie" magazine, I got a beating - and I don't mean a spanking. Dating wasn't allowed until I was a senior in high school - and even then there was attempts to control and punish exerted by my father. Also, doctor visits were a rarity after about age 12. So there is definitely some deep seeded risk/thrill associated with this somewhere in my subconscious.
Is it humiliation? No, I don't really think so. Humiliation is dependent upon the action of others. The medical professionals are always that - professional. So, while I may be embarrassed, I'm not humiliated. But maybe it's the threat of humiliation that is part of the driving factor. They won't say or do anything in front of me - but they could. However, it's much more likely that they could say something after I leave - sharing stories and descriptions with others in the office. While that's probably unlikely, it's not out of the realm of possibility - they are human too, after all.
Looking at some of the photos that members have uploaded here of play exams, I think that this may be foundational. In these photos, patients are usually completely naked and lying on the exam table while the doctors are fully clothed, and frequently masked. The power dynamic is completely tilted. Patient vulnerability is extreme - and this thrills me almost beyond words.
So, kind of rambling, and no real conclusion - just thoughts. But I think that by putting it into words I can start to understand and direct my energies. And maybe my thoughts and journey of discovery can help someone else who is chasing the same conflicting feelings.
For those of you reading this who are further along this journey, I'd be interested in your thoughts and advice.
Until later - Fred.