Breaking up is hard to do

When your heart's on fire,

You must realize, smoke gets in your eyes

After being together for two years my lover and I ended our intimate relationship. Getting over it has been difficult, as I knew it would be. What I did not realize was just how a painful and a grief-stricken process it would be.

Mind you, we parted mutually and amicably. Going our separate ways was always a possibility, even inevitable. Being Poly I'd been through it before. She was my play partner initially. We quickly discovered that it was sex that really got us off. I stopped bringing the toy bag after a few months and we dropped the pretense that we were anything other than lovers. Still a Dominate and a Submissive dynamic in bed, which was something new for me.

We met once a week for lunch and sex. Every week the sex got better, her orgasms more intense and continuous - I usually lost count around her fifth climax. We overtly expressed our mutual love but never forgot the limitations on our relationship. It helped that she and my wife got along socially.

We are close in age, which bears on events. I was her sole sex partner, but she dated periodically. She had several male friends who where more heavily into the Lifestyle than I was. Being socially active and fun to be with, like the old saw, she got to go everywhere. Eventually she clicked with another man we both knew socially. He, unlike me, wasn't married. He was also within a year or two of our ages.

She and I talked about him. She could see herself falling for him and came to the conclusion that he would be her last chance to find someone to be with long term given her age. She was worried it wouldn't work out or that she'd end up losing him to ill health.

I told her to go for it.

She did, at first thinking she could maintain two relationships. He, happily, fell for her hard. She discovered she was monogamous. What I eventually came to understand was that it was her submissive nature that precluded surrendering to two partners. And that is what caused the heartache.

A thousand cuts kill. A thousand seemingly insignificant delights accumulate unknowingly. Then, when the reality of the loss sinks in, they manifest and an emotional void opens. Grief akin to the death of a loved one overwhelms you.

The sound announcing a text message brings tears to your eyes, where before it brought a smile to your lips. That you never thought much of the daily messages you swapped checking in doesn't matter. The sound is now a reminder that you no longer hear from her.

You discover, to much renewed pain, that lunch out with her over a hundred times, means that every restaurant near where she lives will remind you of her. It also means being fast on your feet when a vanilla friend wonders why you know about the restaurant you've chosen to meet at.

It took much longer to get over the end of this relationship because of the unique Dom/sub bond that grew every time we had sex. She trusted me and thus was able to fully surrender herself to my loving making. The resulting pleasures were phenomenal. I had no understanding that we were also forging emotional bonds so deep that they would overwhelm us emotionally when severered.

We broke fairly cleanly. Outside circumstances with no bearing on our relationship had more to do with it that conscious efforts. I've stopped asking to meet just for lunch, though she says she wants to see me eventually. I understand, the pain is on both sides. We stay in touch on matters outside of our relationship and I still run into her and her new mate socially. It's not awkward for either of us. Safety in crowds and all that.

It is just as well we never did get together after the breakup. Lots of words form in your mind, none of which really need to be said, and, at best, would merely remind of the loss and inflict fresh pain. I take cold comfort in the memories of the time we had together and happiness in the fact that she is with someone who loves her as I did.

Tears I cannot hide

So I smile and say

When a lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes