Apologies in advance that this blog is a little bit random... that kinda mirrors my life over the last few days.
Anyway, to begin... usually on a Friday afternoon, when the weather is good I go to a free art session at a local church drop-in centre. Last Friday it was raining, which meant I stayed home, and I am glad I did, because Friday afternoon is when I had what was to turn out to be my last chat with Dean. Since the turn of the year he had made the effort to chat to me almost every day, the only exceptions being when he was in hospital, or just too unwell to chat. On these occasions it was his habit to ask his sister Molly to say Good Morning on his behalf, except the last few days of his life, when despite his pain and how tired he was feeling, he made the huge effort to chat with me himself. So I am so glad I was home when he came online that last time, that I was able to have that one last conversation with him, which included sharing with him the comment I wrote in his blog. He was very tired and unwell, but his irrepressable spirit shone through nevertheless.
Saturday morning, something really weird happened. I have 5 clocks on the right hand side of my laptop screen. They are GMT and the four main North American time zones, where most of my friends live. When I turned on my laptop at around 10am GMT, all the clocks came up as usual, except the space where the Mountain Time clock (Dean's time zone) should have been was occupied by a black square, with a red line running from the centre to the the top middle just like a second hand pointing at the 12. I had to reload that clock to get it to work - never had that happen before.
On Saturday night, a song popped into my head and I have been unable to get it out of my mind... the song is 'Impossible Dream'. It's kinda fitting in that a few years ago it was used as the theme tune for Formula One motor races in the UK when they were broadcast on a commercial channel, and for those of you who don't know, Dean was really into motorsport, particularly F1. Before he had YIM we would 'converse' by PM on Zity after a race, just quick one-liners back and forth, discussing the race... anyway, for me the song also sums up the real Dean, the Dean I knew. For those who are unfamiliar with the words, here they are...
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To be better far than you are
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause
And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest
And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star
Today Dean will be laid to his rest with his heart peaceful and calm, and this World will be at one and the same time a darker place for his passing from it, and a better, brighter place for his having been in it.