I've always known that we all judge ourselves harshly but I often felt that I dwell on things I've done wrong too much. It's funny to reflect on these aspects after I've reached a certain age and look back. Imagine how important it was to not step on a crack in the cement or to deny you stole that cookie from the cookie jar with crumbs on your clothes and then you look feeling harsh remorse.
I was chatting with Dan a bit on here, hopefully you don't mind if I mention that while we're still getting to know each other socially it gave me the excuse to write about the subject. In our situation I feel as if we don't know much about each other but feel like we want to start everything on good terms or maybe we have a good understanding of making friends, I'll never be too sure but it all feels welcoming from where I stand. I decided to share a personal thing about myself.
Now this was something that often triggers memories of other people who I can relate to, maybe during a movie or a cartoon, it can be anything where anyone is reminded of a bad thing and they respond with action. During my day it almost feels like Tourette Syndrome where I'll remember some random mistake I did that I felt bad about, and it doesn't always mean it effected anyone, but it made me feel like a bad person. I could think about a time where I told somebody something in anger or I didn't prevent something from happening and some adult blamed me for the consequences.
To be safe, often it's times you didn't know but for some reason you feel bad. When I got older I linked it to bad parenting when I would be told not to do something and I didn't do it, yet I was punished. It happened with bad teachers as well in school when another child may have blamed me for something I didn't do or they made up a story to justify something they did wrong. I only explain this because the majority of the time I was blamed for something it didn't matter if I did it or not, I knew I was being punished regardless.
I would often cringe, then after I got older I would have a flashback or daydream about something and feel like I had to say something then and I say it out loud trying to redeem myself from not saying it before. It's hard to explain but that's a bad habit I've always had that I disguise very well. I've had friends ask me why I would randomly yell out something and I just say I was kidding or it was from a video they must have neglected, and then it makes it worse because I feel bad for lying to my friends.
Now that we've established that I'm very critical of myself, I was hired by a random organization to basically counsel people. It started from people who come from AA meetings then those patients recommended me for people who felt they needed a friend to talk to. It would make me feel very uncomfortable to be talking with these people because I always recommended that they received professional help.
You could say this was my occupation because I was being paid to do it, but to sum it all up the people who wanted to talk to me were looking for a friend who would sit down and listen to them. There were a few who were obviously in need of professional help (which I told them to seek it) but I managed to work there and help some people out. The only thing I made out of that job was friends, it's a good thing but you learn things you wish you'd never have.
There was one person who I met and befriended who ended up becoming suicidal, and similar to how I would share qualities and feel that everything that I did was simply wrong. The difference was that he knew me personally and we would go to places with the same friends. I sort of broke the code where we're supposed to keep everything professional and not say secrets.
He called me up one night and I told him to come over my house and that I would order a pizza. I knew he was feeling bad and he had a close friend recently die so I wanted to make sure that he knew I was really his friend and cared. At the time I really thought he would have done something he would regret so I broke a few rules but I felt that he needed to hear it.
The rule I had was that I don't share my personal problems and to avoid getting too personal. I'm not certified to counsel people so I did it anyways.
I brought up a person that we both knew, a real person we would come across who was a bad seed in general. This is where I'll have to explain everything from the stories I told him. This was a friend of mine that I had known growing up.
I had a friend who would do stupid things all the time. He was that person who said things and did wrong as a lifestyle for attention. There was nothing to hide about this individual's demeanor.
I could go on for days about him, but the first thing I mentioned was that he was always obnoxious. I explained how this person went to prison for a few years and that I was the only person who stood by him and I had to even counsel him after he got out. I had to deal with him teaching me the rules of jail or prison where you respect everyone.
While he was in jail he had to respect everyone, informing me of all the rules of respect and how he survived all the various conditions they have. It was very strict and you couldn't talk to certain people, you can't look at some people, everything was a challenge. He told me that it was hell and that he would never in his life go there again.
What did he do to me after he got out? He would challenge me, threaten me, insult me, make racist jokes, take things from me, and bully me to the point that I had no desire to be around him. He blamed it all on being bipolar despite the fact that he survived doing the opposite over a period of 2 years.
When we would go out to eat dinner somewhere he would do disgusting things like elaborate how he had to use the restroom. Even if we were in a public restaurant he would reach over the table and take food off your plate, he would chew with his mouth open, talk with his mouth full, move the table when you were using your utensils, laugh loudly, and make a big scene if you made a complaint. He did things that would make people leave the restaurant and it was obviously for attention but he neglected the fact that he offended his own friends in the process, and there was no reason to do anything like that to begin with.
I don't believe he was ever bipolar. When we were teenagers he picked on me often and had homosexual tendencies where he would follow me around if I said I had to use the restroom and he would grope me then call me gay if I was offended. He was nothing more than a bully.
After I told this person the story he stopped to think. He didn't feel too bad about the things he did. He did feel bad but I think it was that he understood what he did wrong and that he had remorse for doing wrong and felt confident that history wouldn't repeat. We're still friends to this day.
I was glad to help somebody out. I don't want to be rewarded or judged as somebody better, I was only in a situation where I knew how to handle it and it was because he contacted me first. My feelings about counseling others is that if you're honest and tell them what's right and wrong, you hear them tell you things from their point of view, if you tell them it's right or wrong or how to correct it that they will likely do good after and be glad that somebody was there to help them reach that conclusion rather than let it effect them.
Sorry to those who feel that I should have had a more appropriate blog, but it's something I'd like to share. I'd like to thank Dan for giving me a bit of confidence to share how I feel about things.