I'm bi, I have been intimate with more men than women. I find women more attractive than men. In fact I often cross-dress and play the lady role when I date men.
To be honest if I had the choice I would choose women, which is why I started to really think about everything. The reason why I have been with men was because I was lonely and I have more girlish qualities. The other reasons being that the men I've come across are open to fetishes and have been fine with AB/DL stuff.
I enjoy having sex with women more. I'm also open to the idea of one day having a family. But it's all easier said than done.
I've always had trouble getting with women, I'm highly intimidated by women. At a young age I recall watching shows or hearing radio stations where they interview women who brag about sex and how they need a man with a huge penis who can last hours. I have also been made fun of by girls who have seen me naked so I stopped trying to date when I entered high school.
After a few years I decided that if I can't get with women I would try men. I regret that part of my life because I did it strictly for sex and still do it. There have been some guys who treated me very well along with also paying several of my bills.
Not to say that I don't work, because I do. It's always been something a few men suggested because they wanted to be the bread winner. So don't get the wrong idea.
When I lived with someone almost a year he left me because I didn't want anyone to know that we were a couple. It was selfish of me but I didn't want people to know we were dating because I was ashamed to be called gay. It makes me feel worse because the 2 best relationships I ever had were with men.
The fear I've had with women were them laughing and not willing to be interested in having sex with me, some even left me after seeing me naked. Every guy I dated may have been shocked to see me naked, some may have even laughed but they never denied sex.
I was also very picky about what we did and when. I don't like anal sex and my penis is too small to reach any prostate, in fact I got into AB/DL after dating someone. I would often cry and tried all of the pills (they're all a scam) until I dated a guy who not only loved being the daddy but he had a thing for small penises.
My problem has been size until he talked with me more about the human anatomy and found all sorts of ways to get me off. Because of how small it is he explained to me that it's more sensitive and was able to literally make me cum under a minute. He wouldn't stop there, he would hold me down until I came again.
He gave me a lot of confidence about life and showed me a few great ways to stimulate each other along with all the foreplay. He was in great shape and well endowed to the point that I had to do all of the other things before even trying to blow him. He was physically able to pick me up without any hesitation but I remember him never getting angry or violent even if we were drinking alcohol.
Before I met him I only wore pull-up briefs, he knew all about the AB lifestyle and got me into it as a fetish but I really did use them for urinal incontinence. I didn't even know about all the diaper brands and they make just about everything adult sized. He was a very large man who would even shave my entire body often, it was the closest I've ever felt to being an actual baby.
We had our days planned out very well, we would have guests over and they had no idea that we were dating and we kept all of our private possessions hidden with the bedroom door locked. They all thought our other room was mine but it was actually our office and didn't even have a bed in there. Most of the doors were locked because our friends had bad habits of wanting to borrow things and never return them.
I was the one who ruined the relationship. Once again I couldn't admit to anyone that I was with another man and it was because I was too embarrassed. I didn't want to be called gay, I didn't want anyone to know anything about my personal life or tell my family and it tore him apart.
He wasn't rude about it and helped me get my own place. It was all my fault but I felt that deep down inside I was fooling myself just to be with someone. It's one thing to have sex with someone but when you have feelings for each other it's an emotional roller coaster.
That's when I started to think about everything more because I started to really hate myself. I didn't like the person that I had become because it was a complete lie.
Then I started to look at people and would convince myself that they were all liars. I wasn't too far from the truth because I met other guys who were just like me. It's not that I was in the closet it was that I was so desperate for attention and sex that I would get it anywhere.
I wanted attention BAD. It was around the late 1990's when being gay was the trendy thing to do after a few celebrities came out the closet. It's now accepted and a hate crime if you bash gays.
I love to bond with others but I will admit that I am more sexually aroused by women and the only reason why men turn me on is because I know what sex feels like. I only learned how to give oral sex because I knew that the guy would feel the need to return the favor and keep me company. I didn't care who it was I just wanted somebody to be there for me so I wasn't alone.
It must have been in 2006 when I was honest with anyone I was with, I make it clear that I'm only in it for the sex and to be friends but I keep it all private. It's easier to do this with online dating because you don't have to use your real name to make an account. It's also easier to say what you want on the internet without sounding like a complete fool.
I've reached the conclusion that I am merely bi, seeking a possible relationship with a female is what I hope to happen someday. I still date frequently but I have thought about myself and the mistakes I've made over the years. I have witnessed other people do the same.
I often wonder if I'm the only one who thinks this is a very horrible way to live.
My family would disown me if they knew what I did with other men. I have some family members who know about my personal life how I wear diapers and a few have caught me dressing up in girly clothes before but it was when I was younger and they have no idea that I'm bi. Aside from some of the girly clothes I don't look or sound feminine at all unless I want to be.
Those people thought it was a phase and shrugged it off saying it was cute. They know I have problems with incontinence and don't think too much of it. I don't want them to know anything else.
I still wonder if there's anyone else like me and I strive to be a better person. Does anyone have advice that would make me better?