Infinite

I just had a very odd, strange and uncomfortable experience.

I had joined a few Discord servers related to medfet. It was less that I knew about them and wanted to be part as much as I was merely exploring and, actually, trying to research to see if there were existing “servers” that catered to our particular fetish. Having joined them, at least on one I'd put some info out there that I was a doctor and able to give online exams.

Now, I'm not a total neophyte. Having written a number of stories on Tumblr I'd had a few occasions with readers who wanted to discuss further, and eventually the idea of doing an online exam appealed to them, more to experience what it would be like. So we discussed it, and went from there.

This time, a woman reached out unexpectedly. It started well, to me, someone with the “complaint” of feeling rundown after all the holiday festivities, having to host and plan and clean up after lots of family. Great, right? But … I didn't really know what she wanted. Even asking, she seemed to defer to me, willing to just “adapt” as we go. Ummm….okay. Well, she said she was going to take her blood pressure and she could call me (Discord voice chat) so I could ask her questions while she fiddled about with the machine. Okay!

But I'd try to ask leading questions… have you been feeling well? Any pains or discomfort? Felt feverish? Etc. … “Nope, no, nothing like that …” she'd answer. So now what?

I mean … I kind of put myself out there for this sort of thing. And I'm very much interested in doing it. But at the same time, there's probably still a part of me that feels … wrong? … about it. Well, not wrong … not wrong for having the fetish, or being interested in “playing doctor”. But still, there I am wondering, wtf am I doing here?

Let's see if I can cover a couple specific issues I know I have, maybe just writing it out will help me come to terms with what it all means, hm?

First, a medical fetish – and medical/doctor “play” – doesn't have to be sexual. Right? But how do you tell in advance how someone feels about that? And is it that for me? The few times I have done a full “exam” it's been positioned as a full gynecological exam, and the persons who were patients were younger females and I could consider myself at least somewhat interested/attracted to them. But should that be necessary? Is it necessary? If it is necessary, is that okay?

This was a woman more my own age. And there's nothing wrong with that. But hearing her voice, I didn't feel any kind of interest, no attraction. Part of me felt guilty that I didn't. I mean, a doctor doesn't care about that sort of thing…but I am not actually a doctor. But a play exam doesn't have to be sexual either, so where does that leave me?

I think the ultimate problem was actually on her side – when I asked what she wanted out of the experience she couldn't give me any information at all. Without that, I didn't have any foundation and I think that's probably where I felt most uncomfortable, if I think about it. If she could have said something like any of the following:

• “I just want to feel like I'm experiencing a simple physical exam…”
• “I enjoy fantasizing about being examined and I want to explore that…”
• “I want to pretend I'm having a visit to my gynecologist…”
• “I get a thrill out of pretending to be exposed and touched by a stranger in the guise of a physical exam and I want to experience that…”

I think I probably could have moved forward. But I didn't know what her motivations were, and that left me with my own motivations. And … perhaps I wasn't even sure what my own motivations were?

Second, without the context of discussing it with the person – building up a rapport – what happens in an online exam? Is it all make believe? Do I say…

• “Pretend I'm lifting up your gown and placing my stethoscope on your chest…” OR
• “I lift up your gown and place my stethoscope on your chest…” OR
• “Lift up your gown, and place something on your chest and pretend it's me…”

I honestly don't know what someone necessarily wants. And, hell, I've only done this a couple of times, and I don't really know what is possible or what works well, so I don't have a way of being proactive, taking charge, and just plowing forward. Maybe I'm just too hesitant, too unsure of myself. That's certainly true of me in general when I'm around women and the very idea of physical contact/intimacy comes up. I've never, ever been able to get comfortable with it, not even during 16 years of marriage (and that's a significant part of why it wasn't more than 16 years!). To this day, I think I still feel somehow guilty or perverted with being the outgoing one and revealing that I'm feeling aroused or attracted to something or someone unless they've been clear enough that I can tell I'm not putting myself out there.

It's not rejection I fear, so much as judgement. I've felt like this medical fetish thing is wrong, for so very long, that the very act of engaging in it feels like I'm doing something disgusting and if I'm not careful I'll get discovered. I'm 51, and that's dumb, and it's so logically contradictable that there's no reason for it. Yet there it is, still, nonetheless.

So…

I've got that self-esteem problem, thinking that I'm a twisted pervert of some sort and I don't want to be discovered. I've also got this awkwardness about not knowing really how to proceed in interacting with someone in the context of an online exam. Finally I'm wanting to put myself out there somehow and play/explore/engage with people in real life, yet I can't help but think, if I can't even do this in a virtual situation, how the hell can I ever do it in person?

I guess this all just leaves me as a big mess, and I'm not sure where to go from here, so … enough writing for now. TTFN, thanks for reading, if anyone does read this, and hey – if not – I think it was still a little helpful to get it out of my system, so … yay me!

There was a recent post about broken bones, what we broke, and what happened. I've broken a few bones, but most of them were pretty uneventful, except for one. I was 30 years old, and it was my last trip to Keystone in Colorado. I powdered my knee….apparently that's a colloquial term for it used by … ortho surgeons? Ski patrol people? Honestly, I'm not sure, but that's what the guy said…

I'd been a skier most of my life. By this point, I didn't even fall much anymore, and when I did, I'd bounce and get back up. Never really had an issue. Well, a small thumb injury once, but it was more of a PITA (pain in the ass) than a scary injury.

This time was different.

It was the last run of the last day. It was a green trail since my fiancé wasn't a skier and we were all going down together, her, me, and my best friend. I was following my buddy and we were trying to find little bumps/jumps, just to make it interesting. We hit one off to the left, and right after he did he tried to wave me off, but it was too late. On the back side of the bump was a sheet of ice, and I think a rock or stick was sticking up. I slid, the protrusion stopped the tail of my left ski but my momentum continued forward. My leg twisted as I went down and .. my binding didn't release. I hadn't had my skis tuned that year, and I hadn't fallen one time that entire trip! Until this one…

My buddy came over to me laughing, asking if I was okay. I wasn't in pain, but I knew something was wrong – things were bent like they shouldn't be bent. I just said “No” … and waited.

Ski patrol had to take me down the mountain on a sled. In that same first aid building from 10 years earlier, I was laid on an exam table, my leg was bent about 70 degrees. I must have been in shock… there was a massive bump below my knee, the doctor poked and prodded it, I felt nothing. “Has this lump always been there?” “I … don’t think so …” An x-ray was taken. Soon the pain began. I asked for drugs. Morphine was provided, and I was happy. My fiancé was shown the x-ray.

“What’s that?”

”Well, it used to be a knee…”

Avulsion of the tibial plateau (top of the tibia), torn ACL, torn meniscus.

Got an ambulance ride to Vail Valley Medical Center in a snowstorm through the mountains. A very long surgery the next day, I got two metal plates and 15 pins and screws for souvenirs. 12 days ago in a wonderful hospital - apparently it was a popular destination for professional athletes who also needed orthopedic surgery! If you ever plan on destroying your knee, definitely do it in Vail!

Besides, I had a great room. It was a double, but the guy who was also there when I arrived left after a couple days, and I had it to myself the rest of the time. It had a beautiful view of the slopes where I could see people who didn't have powdered knees enjoying their vacation on the mountain. Sigh.

So… What happened in Vail where they reconstructed my knee?

I only have a few brief recollections of the first 3 days, as I was on so much morphine that my memory was pretty much gone during that time. I was still on the morphine for a while after that, but it was a lower dose and I don't remember it doing much except keeping me out of pain.

For the next week and a half, I mostly laid around and recovered, except that I had a fever that wouldn't come down. As we all know, fever means infection. And an infection in a bone is a particularly difficult infection to fight. As a result, they kept me on IV antibiotics, the strongest they had at the time (this was January 2001), Vancomycin. The problem with Vanco is that it's terribly caustic on the veins, so they had to keep relocating the IV because the vein would eventually collapse (temporarily) and couldn't be used anymore.

Now, I guess it was a lot of sticks, but I really didn't mind those. Still, I remember one afternoon that a new nurse came in to change it for me. I don't know why – I don't recall complaining about it. Perhaps they thought I was just being stoic and was suffering on the inside… Or those big bad NBA player patients of theirs complain if they get stuck too many times. Maybe it was a policy that after some number of IV changes they bring in the “big guns”. Probably they were just running out of veins? I honestly don't recall.

This nurse was a surgical nurse, I was told, and was good at being extra gentle with IVs. I recall she turned down the overhead florescent lights and turned on an incandescent reading lamp, making the room much more relaxing and less institutional. She placed a warm compress on my arm as she made her preparations. Before she inserted the iv she used a tiny syringe with an anesthetic and raised a wheal where she planned to do the IV. I think this must have been an insulin syringe, the needle was so short and tiny and I honestly didn't even feel it at all. Then she inserted the IV painlessly and voila.

Even with all the Vancomycin that fever never broke.

One day my surgeon came in with strange apparatus saying he needed to test for “compartment syndrome”. He was worried about the fever, and thought this might be an explanation. I had no idea what that was, and it's not really my area of interest, so I still don't know a whole lot. Rather than give you vague, misleading info, here's a little video explaining it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXp0EtKtlF8

Basically, it seemed to involve sticking a very large, long needle into parts of my lower leg where the surgery had been done. The doctor was very apologetic about it, but honestly, I was fine. I have no idea why – this probably should have hurt a great deal, he seemed to think it would as well – but I just kind of watched him do his thing wondering when he'd be done. I wish I had more to say about this, but due to my … shock? … nerve damage? … it didn't really make much of an impact!

Eventually my doctor threw up a white flag and brought in an infectious disease specialist. He did more blood tests, came in to check on me periodically, but never found any smoking guns as far as I can recall. I do remember one day he came in wearing a full snowsuit…apparently it was his day off and he was enjoying the fresh snow and thought he'd pop in to make me feel jealous and rub in the fact that my skiing days were done for a while check on me.

Ultimately, after 12 days it was decided that I can lay around with a fever getting IV antibiotics at home instead of in an expensive hospital bed, and so home I went…

There isn't much more to the medical side of this. I had a home nurse come in periodically to check on the IV or run a new one when needed. I had a refrigerator full of bags of Vancomycin that I had to feed myself through the IV tubing a couple times a day. I had to give myself these injections in the stomach, too … I can't quite recall what it was or why, but they were pre-packaged syringes. I didn't enjoy it. I might today, but … mostly I remember my abdomen getting sore from all the sticks and the medicine, and honestly – when your body has been through that much trauma – it's hard to appreciate the fetish side of things, you know?

Anyway, today I still have the metal in my leg. I can walk fine, mostly. A bit of a limp because my knee still doesn't straighten out as far as my other one. I can't jog or run, but I still don't know if that's because of muscles that never got fully rehabilitated or because of the hardware in my leg.

I got married 7 months after this. Although I was told (well, my fiancé was told, I was too drugged out to recall) I may never walk again, I did walk down the aisle!

Got divorced 16 years later, but hey – at least the wedding went well! 😉

For a number of years I've had an account on Tumblr. Not really for sharing anything, mostly just for browsing. The adult blog content. Of which there was ... quite a lot. And a decent little medfet community of blogs that shared some poignant content. But then Tumblr turned into asshole. No more adult content. So what then?

Well, by then I'd started actually producing some content for my blog account. Weird, right? I could hardly make friends in these other places designed for making friends, but over there I just started doing some ... writing. And people started liking it. Can you imagine my surprise?

Well -- I'd had a couple posts already censored, and for what I was going for (more on that later) it wasn't worth the effort. I still have it and use it there a little, but mostly as a vehicle to get those members to come over and join at ... http://bdsmlr.com

I know, right? WTF is that about? A ... BDSM adult-content (read: porn) site?

Yep. Go figure.

Why? Well, some people just aren't literarily inclined when it comes to things like fetish. And a lot of people, I found, really appreciated the combination of visual and verbal content. Which is what I found that I liked. So much that I began to enjoy producing it as much as consuming it. More, probably. Definitely.

I won't explain Bdsmlr except to say it's like Tumblr but without the censorship, and since that's its point, all of its content is bdsm-oriented rather than the adult content being just one aspect. Also, that each post can be just text, or a link, or an image, or set of images, combinations of those. Images are most common. It's just a way that people get to pick streams of sexy content that suits their particular need, mostly.

But there's a growing creative-writing community there now too. That's what I'm doing. I've written a few standalone longer stories, a few single-entry stories, a few "reposts" of content that maybe I just liked or thought was worth sharing, but my primary post style is captioning.

For example, one feed provides good content of real women, taken as selfies or by willing parties, in gyn exam rooms and/or during the exam. There's a number of ddlg/ageplay-related blogs that have a lot of ageplay-related images, of women dressed/acting as littles. If I see one and can see an easy way to imagine it in a story, I'll add some detail. Sometimes just 5-15 lines, just to hint at a singular moment. Sometimes, long single stories where I take that single picture and write an entire plotline around it.

It's fun. And there are medfet-related folks there who enjoy it. And they share their enjoyment with me, and I, in turn, try to broaden what I write to suit some of their interests. Initially I found myself writing more "hardcore" stories around things like medical procedures, painful visits, etc. But what really interests me is the power dynamic between a doctor -- a gynecologist -- and the patient. The willing submission to the most intimate and violating experience, but which is acceptable because it's good for you. First exams are good story fodder as well.

For those of you who have read this far, I shall reward you with where you can find my "brilliant", "insightful", "elegant", and "titillating" prose. (double quotes to signal sarcasm, fyi).

https://trust-your-doctor.bdsmlr.com/ -- come on by, let me know what you think, if you like it, stay for a while!

So that's been most of my story for the past 8 months here. Not all of it. There's one other interesting bit, but I'm tired of typing. I'll write about that another time. Thanks for reading.

Since I wasn't having great luck of engaging here, I looked outside. I'd had an account at FetLife for a while, mostly just to check it out every year or two, see if there was anything interesting. At those times I was looking for something zity-like --- and it's not zity-like. Plus, people here have said negative things about it, and I trusted the perspective of people here quite a bit -- I know many people here are very kind and generous towards others. So I moved on. But now I went back and looked again, asking myself if maybe I should think of it differently?

One main difference is that FL is intended less to be a community of like-minded people sharing thoughts/ideas/stories, and more of a fetish-oriented facebook. I mean, there's some of that there (topic discussion) -- but to be frank, most of it's kind of shit for that. Honestly. Of the bazillion topic groups there, most of them appear to be oriented around finding like-minded people. Classified-ad like. BUT that's where it offers something zity hardly even touches on -- making connections and sharing real-world experiences. I started trying to put myself out there, or reach out to people who were looking for X to see if I could be more successful at it there. And you know what? I was.

Not wildly so. I'm ... not quite there yet. I'm not as certain of who I am (despite my rapidly increasing age) nor am I certain of what I want. That makes it kind of tough -- FL excels and offering forums for offering oneself or finding others that match very particular criteria. Me, I don't have particular criteria, so ... what can you do.

Oh, there's one other area it excels at that zity pretty much ignores entirely -- the idea that people would like to meet together in the physical world. Oh, I know it happens. I'm .... not totally sure how. Probably some of that secret stuff about making friends that I don't get. Regardless, the classified boards here are practically empty by comparison, and there's very little regional organization that would offer co-located individuals a chance to meet each other. On that basis. That they were geographically co-located. There's more I could say about this, but ... UNTIL THE END OF THE WORLD, it seems we're destined to not meet one another face-to-face that easily, and so I'll leave it at that for a while.

But there's one other place I was at already ... kinda ... where I'm actually having more success than either FL or Zity. Would you like to know where? You won't believe it ...

Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion...

(kidding -- ima gonna go write it now while ima thinkin bout it)