How to find a Dominant

Finding a dominant is not easy. It seems to be very easy to find people who call themselves dominants, but finding the one that offers what you need can be hard. Going to clubs, placing ads, going to parties and munches are all legitimate ways of meeting new people.

Exercise 1: Separate in two groups. One group writes down the traits that they expect a dominant to have, the other group writes down the traits that they expect a submissive to have. You have 5 minutes.

Discussion of the results.

Know what you are looking for

First ask yourself what it is you are looking for. You are looking for a dominant? How high is that on your priority list? Generally I recommend looking for a compatible person who then can be your dominant. If a person has all the traits that you expect in a partner, has dominant tendencies, and is open to learning what it is you need, then you have a good chance of making it. Someone can be the most dominant person in the world, if they don't have the traits that you need in a partner the relationship won't last. A relationship can not be carried on dominance alone. It takes much more.

So first I would recommend you ask yourself what you are looking for in a partner. When you meet new people you can find out about all those "vanilla" things that you are looking for, and if you find a close match then you can look at this persons ability to be a dominant for you. But you must know what it is you want from a person; just wanting a "dominant" is not enough of a description.

The next section will help you determine what it is that you are looking for, will help you separate your needs (things you must have) from your desires, (things you would like to have).

An exercise for you: Needs vs. Desires

What is this exercise all about?

Doing this exercise will allow you to investigate and re-evaluate the most important person in your life — you. It is an exercise in which you determine the things in your life that make you happy, that excite and stimulate you sexually, and that you would want your "perfect" partner to know about you. What are your most basic needs and desires?

This exercise is really in two parts:

What are my basic needs?

What are my desires?

Definition of terms

Needs:

This does not refer to the obvious needs like food, shelter, and clothing, but to the ones that you know deep inside that you NEED in a relationship. Are you a touchy feely person that needs to be touched and hugged a lot? Do you need cave time and to be alone after a stressful day at work? Do you need ritual in order to feel connected to your partner in a D/S relationship? These are things that, as a person, you may need in order to keep your emotional well-being. They are important clues that any partner in ANY type of relationship would LOVE to know about you.

Desires:

What are the things that you desire in a D/S or BDSM relationship? These are things that you may find on some of those REALLY long lists that folks send out when they are getting to know a potential play partner. For example: I love to be flogged with a deerskin flogger, overnight bondage really turns me on, I'd like to play role play games on occasion, etc.

This exercise will allow you to find out more about what makes you tick. It is a very useful tool in any relationship, but especially in getting to know yourself.

What is the need for me to write up my needs vs. desires?

If nothing else, it allows you to get to know yourself better. When you are getting into a new relationship, this information can be essential to getting to know another person and their preferences/desires. Let's face it, after you've dated a few people, you may feel like a recording talking about things that you need and desire in a D/S relationship. This exercise will be a valued tool for you in your current and future pursuits in letting others know about you.

IF YOU ARE ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A D/S PARTNER, it will help you communicate things that you think your partner might already know, but may not have known was as important to you as it is. It is a way to keep communication open, to express your innermost thoughts, dreams and desires. It will help keep your relationship fresh, and give your partner new insight and maybe new ideas for the future.

I can't think of anyone that couldn't benefit from this type of exercise. If you are a dominant, a submissive, a bottom, a top, or a switch, you will find this exercise a great way to put to paper your innermost desires and needs. Hopefully, even get them met.

How long will this take?

The exercise is done in two stages. First, brainstorming and determining your needs. Next, reading through those "needs" to see if any of them are really desires, but not necessarily needs, for example "I need an orgasm every day". Lastly, you will move the "desires" off of your needs list, and start your desires listing.

The desires section will take the longest. Times vary, but when I first did the initial brainstorming and listing of both my needs and desires, it took me about 1-1/2 hours. I took a break from it, and came back to read what I had written a few days later, making additions to the desires listing.

The exercise will be a work in progress as you progress through life and in your relationships. There are things on my desires listing that I had to remove, because they were more fun to think about in fantasy than to actually do them. I have of course added to my listing. Have any of you ever had a limit that is no longer a limit? Well, that would constitute an update at some point to your desires.

Don't limit yourself. Estimate a good hour for your first attempt at this, and see where you get.

How many needs should I have?

There are no set definitions for this, but as a rule of thumb, it should be more than three, and less than twenty. These need to be things you can remember. Less is more in the needs category. You should be able to spout them off, after all.

Shouldn't my dominant determine my needs and desires?

Relationships vary, as do the negotiations of them. However, in my opinion it is you who determines what you need and desire in anything, including a relationship of the power exchange nature.

Should my dominant do this exercise?

Absolutely! In fact, it was a dominant that taught me about this exercise, and he found it to be a very useful tool for him as well.

How do I get my dominant to go through this exercise and do it too?

My suggestion is to take your dominant aside and ask to speak to him/her about something that you would like to do to help communicate and learn about each other. Explain your desire to please, and to be pleased. If you explain to your dominant about the exercise and why you believe it would be beneficial for both of you to do it, and then come back at a specific point in time and review it together, I'm sure you'll get an enthusiastic yes.

I can't think of anyone in a relationship that wouldn't like to learn more about his or her partner. This includes your very human dominant.

What's the best way to review it together?

After you have each completed the exercise, set aside a specific date and time to review the information together. You will need to set aside a quiet, peaceful and relaxing atmosphere for you to discuss these intimate details in complete comfort.

Set aside an hour for this — with no phone interruptions. In fact, if at all possible, no interruptions whatsoever. These types of conversations can be very intimate, and unnerving. "Yes, oh love of my life, I really fantasize about being tied over a barrel, blindfolded, and being taken by many men!" You don't want your 15-year old to be knocking on the door at the wrong moment asking for something. Plan ahead, and you'll be glad you did.

VERY IMPORTANT — When in a power exchange relationship such as D/S, you may have certain rules or rituals that you follow. This may include that you do not sit on the furniture when in your dominants presence. Since this scenario is a form of negotiation you need to meet as equals, as Thomas will be pointing out later. This means eye to eye, heart to heart. No games, no cuffs, no candlelight. Just two real people discussing very real emotions and desires. It is a serious conversation about what makes each of you tick. Be fair to each other, and do so as equals. This will make the conversation that much easier.

What can I expect?

If all goes well, you can expect to have a very powerful resource all about you (and/or your partner). You'll know more about each other (or yourself), and have all kinds of wonderful things to think about or plan to do in the near future. What fun!

Pluses and minuses...

Expect to be a little frustrated when writing down your desires. It can be a long process. But stick with it, it's worth it!

Expect to find it hard to put to paper some of the darkest desires in your arsenal.

Things you may not have realized about yourself may come out of your pen before you have time to gasp. Go with it, you can always edit your list later.

Expect to want to edit your desire list after a particularly hot book or movie gives you a new idea or two.

How do I get started?

Glad you asked! We're going to have a brainstorming session right now to get you started.

Exercise 2: Needs and desires brainstorming session.

Discussion of the results.

Finally...

I have copies of my very own needs vs. desires exercise. It's an example. Please use your own words and thoughts, as everyone's will vary, and should. We did not include it with the handout, these are very personal thoughts, and as such, I would appreciate it if you did not share them with the outside world. They are just for your own appreciation, to see an example of this exercise.

Know what you are offering

So what do you have to offer a potential dominant? Your undying submission? Do you think that is enough? Your beauty? A bit shallow, don't you think?

Try to determine what it is you have to offer, determine your "bait". Just like you are looking for certain things in a dominant, potential dominants are looking for certain things in a submissive. These are things like:

Having your life in order

Even though there are a few people out there who want to be nothing more then your knight in shining armor, finding someone to fix your life for you will take a long time. Even if you find someone who is willing to do this for you, you should ask yourself "Why does this person want to fix my life?" If you show that you are a responsible person of her life then you have a good chance to attract someone responsible who has his life in order.

Being clean and well groomed

Nobody wants to be with a slob. Just like you would not even bother to look at a dominant that doesn't wash or use deodorant, not too many dominants will look at you if you don't wash or use deodorant. If it is visible that you take good care of yourself, you make yourself attractive. When you meet the dominant of your dreams, the one that has everything you are looking for in a partner, you will want to invite him to your house. That means you should be reasonably sure that he won't have to pull out the rubber boots to walk in the door, because that would narrow your chances of success considerably.

Being friendly, outgoing, and respectful

If you are a nice person people will be nice to you. Being respectful does not mean to address every person who calls himself dominant with "Sir", it just means to treat everyone the way you would like to be treated. If people look at you and see that "nice person" then you have a good chance that they want to learn more about you.

Interests outside the scene

Even though it is a great asset to be known within the BDSM community, it is important that you have interests outside the scene. Movies, theater, reading, dancing ... everyday vanilla things that you enjoy doing might be the one thing that attracts someone who has the same interests. There is a life outside of D/S, and if you don't have matching outside interests it will be a pretty boring relationship.

Yes, all these things sound pretty vanilla, but then, we are looking for a dominant, which means not just a short-term play partner but someone for a long-term relationship. If you want more than play you have to offer more than play.