Eric wins the argument that he is the more sensible person to drive home. Julia is still tender and sore and furious at Eric's skinny little bitch doctor!"

"Eric, why don't you want me to pick your doctor, don't you trust me?"

"Are you kidding? You saved my butt back there, literally. I trust you more than anyone. I don't trust myself here."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember when I said yesterday your mom reminded me of Dr. Sharma? I should have clarified. Your mother makes me equally uncomfortable as Dr. Sharma."

"Hold on, I call bullshit on that one. My mother has seen your bare behind twice with a thermometer stuck in it and the second time you actually sat with her and had coffee 15 minutes later, lots of eye contact!"

Julia stares him down at the next traffic light, "Did you have a sex dream about my mom last night?"

Eric goes silent, then turns the question back on her, "What makes you think I had a sex dream about her?"

"Errrrric, honesty check!"

"Ok, she did give me a bath, but, but!" Julia's eyes widen. "You were there too and we were kind of two years old, so I didn't feel anything sexual in the dream about her."

"Wait, wait, wait, how were we kind of two years old, we either were or we weren't."

"Physically we were are what we are now, but mentally we didn't understand bodies yet."

"Oh wow, this is a head trip. Your butt suppository pills give you some weird ass dreams, continue..."

"Well we were on a playdate to learn how to socialize. We got muddy from the sprinkler oversaturating a dirt patch and your mom decided we needed a bath. Next thing I know I am dreaming we are in the tub together. Your mom puts a rubber boat between us and tries to teach us the concept of sharing.

Well, you play with the boat and then I play and neither of us understand the point and find it to be pretty stupid and boring. Then somehow our toes get tied together and you give me a push and I push back and there is a tidal wave that knocks over the boat."

Julia smiles sweetly, "Awww, so precious."

"Well we are both clapping and absolutely love the new game we discovered. Your mother leaves the door open and hears we are playing nice and distracts herself with something else. I look at your boobs and am absolutely fascinated. I try to articulate using two year words that if you use 8 fingers around your boobs you could be an octopus who swallows the ship."

Julia laughs hysterically, "This is fucking hilarious!"

"Well, I am ramming that rubber boat into your octopus boobs and fingers and we are squealing with delight your mom comes into see what the commotion is! She is not happy and she puts all the blame on me for not playing nice. I am pretty pissed off because you were playing along and I thought your mom was being massively unreasonable!"

"I know right, they are my two year old boobs and I should be able to play with them how I want!"

"Exactly! So your mom pretends to leave again and I continue crashing into both of your boobs and she comes back and catches me and gives me more no, no, no's. She gives me one last chance to play nice! She leaves again and I crash into your boobs and make a huge splash doing it. Your mother takes away the boat and I start balling my eyes out!"

"Oh Lord, what a dream!"

"And then, she waits for me to cry myself calm again and brings a toy airplane and shows you and me EXACTLY how we should be playing. Emergency water landing! She makes airplane noises and gently lands the plane so it glides across the water. First she holds your hand and teaches you how to do it and then me. Then we both get the idea to make the water landing more challenging by locking toes again and pushing eachother back and forth to make heavy waves. Your mother allows us to make a splashy mess because both of us are playing cooperatively and oopsie crashes are ok as long as it isn't into body parts."

Julia smiles devilishly, "Please tell me there is more!"

"Well, you get bored with the stupid game before I do and you put on goggles and lay face down to blow bubbles and see underwater. I see your shiny butt pop up out of the water and down and am truly fascinated."

"Somebody's going through MAJOR porn withdrawals."

"Well, yes. Anyway, after ALOT of thought I suddenly realize you are an exotic beautiful sea monster who saves planes from crashing into the ocean. Your butt is the perfect combination of a safe soft and also firm place to land and your buttcrack made an absolutely perfect landing strip. This time I didn't exactly ask for your input and you squealed loudly how much I am tickling you. Again your mom comes in and screams, again! Eric, no, you are being a VERY bad boy!"

Julia is crying with laughter and snot is dripping out of her nose, "Ok, ok, bad boy? What does this dream have to do with me picking a female doctor for you?"

"Every caring connection you have with both a woman and me leads to some seriously awkward, wrong thoughts."