My name is John Ristar, I am sitting in the waiting room of Rockford Care Hospital with my wife Jena Ristar waiting to get called for my physical exam. From what we have heard they are extremely thorough and we thought that was great, so we had recently switched from are previous clinic.

After waiting for some time while chatting with my wife I finally get called.

The nurse pokes out of the door leading to the exam rooms and says, “Patient John!”

I know that they have a policy of calling their patients “Patient” unless they request otherwise. It is an unusual thing about this hospital. I know about this because I was a patient in there psychiatric ward of all things, but that’s another story.

So I go with my wife and follow the nurse into the exam room. It is a typical exam room with an exam table that has that paper on it, and there is a hospital gown folded neatly on it.

My wife and I go in and the nurse closes the door behind the three of us.

She greats me by saying, “Hello I am your Nurse today, Nurse Lashawna. I will be doing your vitals and then the doctor will come in to do the rest of your examination. Now take off all your clothes and put on the johnny.”

They call hospital gowns johnnies in the place we live. But I’m surprised that the nurse stays in the room. I look at her for a second and I can tell she expects me to get changed in front of her.

Where I used to get examined the nurse did the vitals first and then left the room while telling you to change and wait for the doctor, which I figured was typical practice. But this hospital is not typical.

So I take everything but my socks and underwear (there boxer shorts) off and I put the hospital gown on. The nurse goes to the back of it and ties it for me, and I thank her.

“Now just take off your socks and underwear.” she tells me.

I respond, “Why do I have to take off my socks and underwear?”

“Please remove your underwear and socks, it will make things a lot easier Patient John.”

“OK” I say and I slip my hands under the johnny and pull off my boxers, then I slip my socks off and sit on the exam table.

My wife is sitting on a chair in the exam room watching.

The nurse then says to me, “OK, now I am going to just take your vitals.”

She takes the electronic thermometer which has two probes, a blue for oral temp and red for rectal temp. She then tells me to turn to my side. So I turn to my side facing her. She tells me to turn to my other side, so I change sides so now I am facing away from her.

I then look over and see she has snapped the protective cover on the red probe. And she has a tube of something.

“Wait. Are you taking my temperature rectally?”

“Yes, we always do temperatures rectally. With oral temperatures we can’t ensure that the temperature is being taken accurately, especially since it has to stay under the tongue, and we can’t see inside the mouth to know that it is.”

She slips on a glove and says, “OK I am just going to lift your johnny and this will feel a little cold.”

“OK” I respond.

She lifts my hospital gown up, pulls my butt cheeks apart with one hand and with the other hand she puts some jell on my anus with her gloved finger.

Then I feel the thermometer slip in.

So now I just lay there with the thermometer inside me.

My wife then chuckles.

I look at her and say with a smirk and a slight laugh, “So you think this is funny huh?”

I pause and then say, “Wait till it’s your turn.” (Because I know her appointment is coming up soon.)

I lay there for a while with the thermometer in me. It is a whole minute until it beeps. Then she takes it out and says my temperature is 99.1 Fahrenheit which is normal. And that it tends to be a little higher when taken rectally.

She then tells me to sit up and she takes my blood pressure with a manual blood pressure cuff and tells me it’s good. Then she takes my pulse by placing her fingers on my wrist. She says my pulse is a little fast and asks me if I’m nervous.

I admit that I am a little nervous.

She then tells me that the doctor will be with me in a few minutes.

She then asks, “Can you give us a urine sample?”

I tell her, “I’ll try.”

“Good. Come with me.”

The exam rooms are in the back behind the waiting room, I can see there is also a nurse’s station in this back area along with a supply closet and patient bathroom. The nurse gets a specimen cup from the supply closet writes my name on it, leads me to the patient bathroom and hands it to me.

I go into the bathroom by myself. I try my best to fill the cup as much as I can but I only get a little bit in. I open the bathroom door and hand it to the nurse.

She says that it is fine and it is enough urine.

We go over to the nurse’s station and she sits it on the counter.

She then leads me back into the exam room as she tells me to just wait for the doctor. She closes the door behind me. So now it’s just my wife and I in the exam room waiting.

My wife and I wait around for the doctor as I lay back on the exam table on my back and rest there.