I arrive home and as soon as I unlock my phone I see the email titled, “After Visit Care Instructions - Attention Required”. I take a deep breath and cautiously open the notes from my strange and bizarre exam experience, equal parts morbidly curious and objectively terrified.

As soon as I open the secure web page, a freeze frame video screen of myself - naked, spread wide in the stirrups of the exam table - greets my gaze.

“Oh holy shit,” I mutter under my breath as I quickly scroll the screen lower to the typed notes from the appointment. Jesus. There are SO many.

I skim through them at first. They're so detailed - minutely describing my appearance and behavior down to the movements of my fingers. I had no idea the doctor had been paying attention to my hands.

I scroll and scroll through excruciating details about my medical history, my body and genitals, finally landing on “Initial Diagnosis and Recommendation for Treatment”. It’s like reading a thesis on masturbation and female sexual pleasure. Who IS this doctor? How did he manage to type up ALL THIS between my visit and arrival back home? The information is less insightful than I would have wanted to read. Everything normal. Normal appearance, normal reaction, normal response, normal, normal, normal…

I skim further and further through the notes until I reach the bottom of the paragraphs which is followed by a list of highlighted items. Must be my “prescriptions”. Before I have a chance to look through the list though my eyes catch on the words, “anally erotic”. No. Absolutely not. I do NOT like butt stuff and the doctor’s finger up there was humiliating at best… My gaze skips back up to the paragraph before and my heart thuds in my chest as I read the note, “…patient may get sexual arousal from embarrassment and/or humiliation, perhaps even light pain…” I swallow hard. Never in my life have I ever…

I continue onward, “…eager response to g-spot stimulation, encourage patient to explore this area of her body prior to returning for reevaluation…” I think I might actually be pale as I immediately scroll down to the list of “prescriptions”. Each highlighted item opens into its own page with a detailed description of the toy or item, its intended or ideal usage, instructions for optimal use, and an unnecessary web link for where I can purchase said item if I’m uninsured. I’m not, so apparently all I need to do is check a box that says I’ve read and acknowledged the prescription item and confirm my mailing address. I suppose that’s easy enough…

I go through the list, checking through all dozen items the doctor has prescribed. I nearly skip the anal plugs and speculum, but morbid curiosity wins out in the end. Not like I’m required to actually USE these things once they come in the mail. I’m not sure I want to be subjected to the doctor’s reevaluation anyway.