"What are you doing now?" Carol asked. I told her that I was going through some of Catie's stuff to decide on what I should take back to North Carolina with me and what I should leave "to be discovered" by her family members.

"Do you need any help?" she asked.

I told her that I had made a first pass through the most obvious places in the apartment and collected the most interesting stuff and I was looking through the closets. In reality, there were only a couple of closets and a dresser to go through, but I welcomed the company. I had only recently become aware of her history with Catie. Carol was 25 years old and had been working for the same organization as Catie for several years.

We walked back into the bedroom. The closet doors were open and I had started pulling the few boxes out to take a closer look at them. I hadn't gone through all her clothes. I had several shirts and pairs of pants hanging in her closet. I had decided that I was going to leave those in the closet to pickup the following weekend. There probably wasn't any clothing hanging in the closet that I would want other than for sentimental value.

Carol started looking through the drawers of her dresser while I went to the linen closet to see if there was anything there. Nothing unusual was tucked away in the linen closet. I also checked under the sink in the bathroom and other storage places.

Catie had evidently washed all her clothes, towels, and sheets before she left because her clothes hamper was empty, there were fresh towels in the bathroom, and the mattress pad and set of clean sheets were waiting to be put back on the bed. The pillowcases were on the pillows already. I pulled back the covers and there was just the mattress. I was disappointed because one of the things I wanted out of this stop in Chicago was to sleep in her bed with some remnant of her scent to sleep with like I had done in Portland.

I started to put the mattress cover back on the bed to make up the bed when Carol stopped what she was doing to help me. Once we got the sheets back on and pulled the covers back up, Carol resumed what she was doing in the dresser while I looked through the several boxes I had recovered from the bottom of the closet. Some of the contents were from well before I met her and I left them in the boxes. I mostly gathered up her diary/journals to take with me. I already had two of them that Abby had given me.

A quick look in the dresser drawers hadn't revealed any "secrets" like other pictures (I thought I got them all) and maybe journals/notes. But Carol went through the drawers much more slowly than I had and pulled items out to take a more careful look between items in each drawer. For the most part, the drawers contained pretty much what you'd expect with respect to clothing. Her lingerie drawers contained panties and bras, some that I had seen and taken off her over the past several months.

"These are nice," Carol said pulling out a couple of thongs, one red, one black, and some recently purchased.

"Yes, they really showed off her ass. But I think she liked to wear them because there weren't panty lines," I said.

Carol started looking through the clothing in the closet and commented on how Catie's choice in clothing belied the sexual juggernaut she was.

"What are you going to do with these?" she asked, referring to the two enema bags hanging in the closet next to each other. "A his and hers?"

"Something like that," I said.

"She told me you were into that," Carol said.

"So was she," I replied.

"No, I meant both of you," Carol said.

"Was it as good as she said it was?" she asked.

"What?" I asked, thought I was pretty sure I knew what she was asking about.

"All the things you did? The sex, the enemas, all of it?"

"Well, I don't know what Catie told you," I said. I did know what Catie had told me about her conversations with Carol, but I didn't elaborate on what I knew. "But some people go an entire lifetime without meeting someone...." My voice trailed off and I didn't complete that sentence.

"Catie was one of those persons," I said. I remember saying 'persons' and not 'people.'

"She said much the same thing about you. But I just can't imagine it or how you did it."

"Did what?" I asked.

"Sex and enemas!" she said. "Isn't that messy?"

"It can be. But Catie and I had very few accidents. A little leakage sometimes. But we did okay most times."

This led to another discussion about enemas, and then enemas and sex and how intense the orgasms were or could be for both of us. I was thinking that I've had several of these discussions in the last couple of months.

"Want to know the best part of enema sex?" I asked.

"Sure," Carol said.

"It's probably the most intimate thing you can share with a partner. You are sharing something about a bodily function that is usually taboo and very personal and usually private. So, while it might be messy, stinky, and (under different circumstances) embarrassing or humiliating, you have to be very trusting of your partner. From a practical standpoint, though, you're nicely cleaned out for anal sex."

"I like that!"

"Anal sex?"

"Yes," she said. "That's why what you said and how you said it to me on the phone was so hot and exciting. Some guys say that kind of stuff as a throw away attention getting line. What you said sounded like you meant it and particularly when you thought you were talking to Catie."

"I'm still a bit embarrassed at that."

"Don't be."

"You know that Catie was an anal virgin when I met her?" I asked. "At least that's what she told me and wrote in her diary"

"She told me the same thing," Carol said.

"You know Catie wanted the three of us in bed together to share these experiences," Carol said.

I did know that. It was one of the things that Catie and I had talked about, after Catie had told me about her and Carol, and that they thought it might be fun to have the three of us in in bed together. To me, that was "SO Catie" and I was starting to wonder if this was something that would regularly be part of our life. As I had demonstrated in Minneapolis, I was willing to reciprocate so that it wasn't one-sided sharing. Catie's death meant we would never get to explore that aspect of our life together. But the fact that both Carol and I knew that was what Catie had wanted meant there was some sexual tension in the air even though the three of us had never gotten to talk about it together.

My suitcase was laying on the floor with some of the material that I had collected. She saw that I had left a couple of pictures of Catie and I on the nightstands. One of them wasn't exactly "G-rated." She asked me about that one I left on the nightstand.

"That one was in my bedroom, in my waterbed one morning after we had "surfed" all night in my waterbed. It might have been a semi-waveless waterbed...we challenged that rating."

She saw the pictures laying in the suitcase. She picked up two of of the pictures and looked at them. One of them was a photo of me at Rooster Rock State Park on the Columbia River east of Portland. Another one was of me naked in a spare bedroom of my house lit by the light from the window.

"These are great pictures of you," Carol said

"Those were for her to look at while fantasizing or remembering what we had done," I said. "I doubt that her brothers would want to take them back to Portland."

"You're probably right," Carol said.

I would periodically tear-up as I was looking through Catie's stuff. It was getting late and I was pretty sure that I had picked out the most controversial stuff to take home with me.

Carol suggested that she could stay with me in Catie's apartment that night and, by not being alone, we could make each other feel better knowing that our shared lover wanted that. In fact, Catie would have probably been leading the way and giving us directions. As tempting as that was, I thanked her and I told her that I thought that I wanted to sleep in Catie's bed alone since it might be my last night to sleep in her bed. I didn't know whether I'd be sleeping there Friday night when I returned and I had already made a hotel reservation just in case I needed to stay someplace else. Or, if I did, Catie's brothers would likely be there, too. It was likely that everything would be packed on Saturday and the brothers would depart for Oregon as soon as they could because they had a long drive back with a truck and Catie's car.

Carol asked me something I had never even considered: Did Catie share her female lover/ friends with her brothers?

"I honestly don't know," I replied. I thought it was a practice she started with me. I hadn't asked Catie about it and she never mentioned anything to me about any shared experiences. The conversation drifted off to other sexually related topics that maintained that sexual tension between Carol and I. I finally suggested that it was time to call it a night.

We embraced at the apartment doorway and she gave me a very warm, passionate kiss as we embraced.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" she asked.

"No, I'm not," I replied. I was wavering on this and I knew it. The closeness of sex with Carol, someone who had already agreed with Catie that she would like to do this, wasn't the problem. It just felt too soon after the funeral to jump into bed with someone, even if Catie had wanted it before she died.

"It just feels too soon, too raw," I said.

I told her that I'd call her when I returned the following weekend and we'd see how we both felt then.

"If we want to do anything, it might be messy because I'll be having my period then, if that makes any difference to you."

"That doesn't bother me," I said.

One last hug and kiss and I sent her on the way. I stood there in the living room, alone, listening to Catie's furnace running. I very nearly called Carol back to be with me. She drove away and I was left alone with my thoughts and my sorrow. This reminded me so much of my first night in my house after my wife had moved out. I had dealt with that at the end of a 12-year relationship. The difference was my wife was still alive. Catie was dead. Still, I wanted to cherish the memories even though the sadness seemed to crowd out those warm feelings for Catie.

I crawled into bed about 30 minutes later taking in her bedroom with all the memories before drifting off to sleep. I don't remember any dreams from that night. Just the sense that this was the last time here. My alarm went off early in the morning. I got in the shower and felt the flood of memories as the water poured over me. I walked about the apartment naked for a bit and remembered all those times....

I got dressed, finished packing, and closed my suitcase. It was cold this morning in Chicago. I decided that I had better start Catie's car and maybe take it on a short drive to make sure the battery was well charged in the cold temperatures. After a 20-minute drive, I returned her car to its parking spot. One last look around Catie's apartment, the closet doors closed, the thermostat lowered, there aren't words for just how empty this place felt to me without her.

I took my suitcase out to the rental car and left for O'Hare Airport to fly back to RDU.

The flight was uneventful and when I arrived at RDU, I recovered my car and went directly to my office in Durham. Most people in the office hadn't seen me since before Christmas and had no idea what had happened. I kept quiet about it except to say that a good friend of mine had died and I went to her funeral.

It was good to get back into a routine for a few days. I was working to complete the presentations that were going to be used at the workshop and meeting at the end of the month in Denver. I also picked up my son after school as part of our usual schedule. I had told him that my friend had died in a really bad car crash and that I had been gone to see her family and to help the family after she died. There was only so much I could tell a five year old boy about the complexities of adult life. I did tell him that the next few weeks would change our usual schedule and that I expected that we'd be back to our normal schedule by February.

On Wednesday night, while I was alone in my house, I did have a very emotional call with Annie and Ted in Minneapolis. They had left messages on both Catie's answering machine and mine on New Year's Day. When I called, I asked how their New Year's party went and they gave me a quick run down. It was good to hear them talk about the fun they had in starting the New Year and the welcoming bond that were in their voices.

"We wish you could have joined us," Annie said. "How about you and Catie? Are you still thinking about coming here at the end of January?"

"That's what I'm calling you about. I have some very sad news..."

I told them what had happened and all that had occurred since then. At the end of that call, they told me that I was welcome to come by and see them any time I was in the area.

I took the first non-stop flight from RDU to Chicago on Friday morning. Catie's two brothers were flying from both Portland and Seattle. After the events in the past couple of weeks, the one thing they had become sensitive to was how one incident could create so much family tragedy. They would arrive late morning and I would pick them up unless my flight got delayed somehow. I told them that I would bring the keys to Catie's apartment, so I could let myself in and warm the apartment before they arrived.

When I arrived Friday morning, I rented a car and drove to Catie's apartment. It was much warmer than when I left earlier in the week. The fact that a week had passed, that I had been back into my routine and I was processing her death in the hours alone, gave this arrival a different feel than just five days earlier. I did have a hotel reservation for that evening and the weekend if I needed it. I made calls to a few people including Mark, Jody, and Carol to let them know I was back.

As the apartment warmed, I had a few idle hours before going to the airport. I stripped out of my clothes so that I was naked one last time in Catie's apartment. I decided that I'd give myself a nice warm enema and remember all the fun times we had together both with and without enemas. After taking a couple of enemas and laying in her bed with the memories of what had been and what I had hoped for us, I drained the enemas out of me. I dried the bag and hose as much as I could and hung it back in the closet next to the other one that I didn't use.

I finally got dressed, straightened the bed, put the lamp back where it was usually positioned in the bedroom. I took Catie's car to the airport to pick up her brothers. Their flight schedules had them arriving about 30 minutes apart. Catie's younger brother arrived first and I met him at the gate. We walked to the gate where his older brother would arrive. I told him that I had warmed the apartment and asked if they had made any decisions on how much they would take back to Oregon. He told me that they would make that appraisal once the got to the apartment. They had made arrangements to go to Catie's office to pick up her personal effects from HR that afternoon.

After Catie's older brother arrived, we went to baggage claim to retrieve the luggage each one brought. I recognized the suitcase that Catie's older brother used to fly from Portland. It was one that Catie used. We left the terminal to retrieve Catie's car and then headed to her apartment. When we arrived, they did a quick walk-through with me.

Over the week, they had realized that, while there may be items to be moved out of the apartment, there may not be reason to bring a great deal back to Oregon. They asked me if I could contact friends to see if Catie's friends wanted items of furniture, appliances, etc. They could also be given away to organizations that accepted donations. I made a couple of calls. Ultimately, much of Catie's possessions were given away and not driven back to Oregon.

While making those calls, her brothers started looking through Catie's possessions a little more closely to decide what they really needed to take back to Oregon. I went back to the bedroom. Two of the dresser drawers were open. The closet doors were opened and the two red rubber enema bags were hanging side by side at the end of the hanger rod. Catie's older brother had opened the suitcase he brought on the bed. There were a couple of wrapped boxes in the suitcase. They were wrapped with plain brown paper, not decorative paper ("plain brown wrapper").

"These are presents for you that Catie must have intended to give you," he said.

"Where were they?" I asked.

"In her closet. Abby found them."

It was Catie's handwriting on the gift tags. I opened the smaller of the two boxes. it had a personal note inside that referenced how much she'd like me to wear one of these g-string thongs the next time I wore the new pair of leather jeans she bought for me at Christmas. She loved to feel my buns reaching inside me waistband.

The next box was larger and flat. I opened it and there was brand new enema bag that was the same as the one that Catie had gotten when we were with Ted and Annie in Minneapolis after Thanksgiving. She had written a not and taped it to the box. Upon reading it, I realized that she had written it after she talked to me. It said:

TWIN BAGS FOR THE PARENTS OF TWINS

I was so afraid when I called you this morning

You swept my fear away by saying "yes" without any hesitancy

And If I had any doubt of your love of me, it melted away

Thank you for being with me

WE DO BELONG TO EACH OTHER. WE BELONG TOGETHER

I love you with all my heart, all my soul, and all my being

Now and forever

Catie

Tears started streaming down my face as I realized that this note was Catie's last writing to and about me written just a few hours before she died. And once again, I was so glad that our last words to each other were about our love for each other.

Catie's older brother saw the box and what it contained and said "What's with it about these bags. I've seen more in the last week than I've seen in my entire life."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"There's two in the closet here. There was one in Catie's dresser at home. Hell, even Abby has one!" he said. "Mom would occasionally use a bag and give us enemas when it seemed like we needed one."

I thought for a second, choosing what to tell them next. "This red rubber bag she (Catie) gave me is the twin of one of the bags in the closet. Catie and I were into enemas. She loved enema sex. They were part of our sex life," I said.

I paused and then told him that I'd be happy to take the two bags in the closet and he told me to go ahead. I got the two bags out of the closet and put them in my suitcase along with the boxes that Catie had intended to give me when we were together over New Year's. I also removed my clothes from the closet and packed them, too.

Catie's brothers appointment with HR was at 3:00 PM. Since I knew where to go and where to park, I took them. It didn't take long. There were ID's to show, a couple of documents to exchange and some signatures, and a couple of boxes of personal items to take out. Neither one of them had been to Catie's office before.

Friday rush hour could be tough in Chicago and this was no different and maybe worse because the NFC Conference championship was in Chicago on Sunday. Despite that, I had managed to secure a room in a Holiday Inn not too far from Catie's apartment before the Chicago Bears were in the Conference Championship. The topic came up as we headed away from downtown Chicago and what my plans were. Although I was accustomed to staying at Catie's, I suggested that her brothers stay there overnight and I'd stay offsite. We stopped at the Holiday Inn and I checked in and got my keys (they used real keys in those days along with a tag that let you drop the keys in any mailbox to be mailed back if you inadvertently walked away with a room key).

We stopped at a grocery store to get a couple of odds and ends. I was hungry, my body clock being on a different time zone than her brothers. We decided on some pizza from a local pizzeria that Catie and I used. There were several messages on Catie's answering machine from Catie's friends when we got back. The word had gotten out about the big move out. I returned the calls or left messages. We agreed that 9:00 AM the next morning would begin the main process and whatever was left in the early afternoon would be taken to organizations that would accept donations or, if it wasn't going back to Oregon, disposed of. If they could fit it all into Catie's car, that would be great. And maybe a rental car. But no loading a bunch of furniture and moving it 2200 miles across the country (Catie and I would have faced the same decision making process moving her to Raleigh).

A few people called and stopped by on Friday evening. Among them were Carol, Jody, and Mark. We turned it into a pizza party as a few other people dropped by. A couple of more pizzas and some more beer and it became more of an impromptu celebration of Catie's life among her friends and family.

I had talked to Carol midweek and I was still pretty down. But that was also after I had talked to Ted and Annie and broke the news about Catie's death. I walked back to the bathroom. Carol approached me when I exited the bathroom and we stepped into the bedroom out of sight of other people who were gathered in the living room.

"Are you doing better?" she asked.

"Yes," I said. "I'm still having moments. But I can't change any of what's happened."

"With her brothers here, do you want to or will you be able to get together with me?" she asked. I reached into my pocket and pulled out one of the room keys and handed it to her. Her face lit up.

"I won't be there until about 8:30 or 9:00," I said.

"I'll be there waiting for you," she said, giving me a kiss on the cheek, spinning around and leaving the bedroom. I followed and watched her walk to the living room and discretely put the key in her purse.

In all, there were probably a dozen or so people who dropped in for the evening impromptu celebration party. I thought it was a nice touch that Catie's brothers got to meet some of the people in her Chicago life. Carol came up to me and whispered the she was going home to get some other clothes and to not hangout too long. I whispered back she wouldn't really need any clothes.

"I know why Catie liked you," she said and announced, generally, that she was leaving and she'd "see you later." The only person who knew that specific message was me.

I said my good-nights at a little after 8:30. I told Catie's brothers I'd see them around 8:30 in the morning and hustled to my rental car. As I drove to the Holiday Inn, I wondered what I had set into motion. Yes, Catie had wanted this but that was before things changed. And I wasn't sure I was up to this.

I pulled in to the parking lot, got my suitcase out of the trunk and went inside the hotel. A ride up the elevator and what seemed like a long walk down the hall to my room, I finally reached the door. With a deep breath, I inserted the key, turned the lock and opened the door. I announced my entrance.