“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”

A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens

It was the best of times...it was the spring of hope

"I'm still here at the doctor's office and I've got some news for us."

I could feel my heart jump. That sudden rush of adrenaline and the feeling you have when you anticipate something happening that puts you on alert.

"I'm pregnant!" I heard the words and I was momentarily shocked.

"Are you there? Did you hear me?" she asked.

"Yes. Say that again," I said.

"I'm pregnant. We may be having twins."

This just kept getting better. This time there wasn't a long pause on my end.

"Tell me again," I said.

"What? Why?" Catie asked.

"I want to hear you say it again," I told her.

"Gary, I'm pregnant and we may be having twins."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Pregnant, yes! Twins, maybe."

"How many weeks?" I asked.

"Eight to ten," she said.

"How did this happen?"

"You know how it happened!" she retorted.

"Besides that! You know what I mean," I said.

"Well, pills sometimes fail." I knew that, of course, and it was relatively rare when following all the routines.

"Did they do an ultrasound?"

She told me that an ultrasound scan had been performed but it was kind of difficult to make out features. Ultrasounds in those days didn't show the level of detail with the level of clarity that the modern scans do. She asked me if I wanted to talk to her doctor and I said "sure."

"He's the father" I heard Catie say. Her doctor got on the phone and told me about Caitlin's current status. It was a little early to be clear on a birth of multiples but it sure looked to be twins. That would become clearer in two to four weeks. It was a birth control pill failure and Catie would stop them immediately. We had some time to make some plans and decisions (in other words to choose to continue or terminate the pregnancy). I asked if the baby or babies would be okay with Catie taking birth control pills while she was pregnant. The answer was "usually yes." I can't remember all that I asked her doctor. I thanked her doctor and Catie got back on the line with me.

"So, what do you think?" she asked. I thought she might be asking "do we keep the baby or babies?"

"This is going to complicate things." I said. Catie wanted to talk more but I suggested that she go back to her parent's house where we could talk and not take up her doctor's time.

"Did you get pictures?" I asked. Catie told me she had.

"Good, I want to see our child or children when I get there."

I was sort of numb from the sudden news. It certainly was a shock. The good news was that we had talked about having children but that was more like a year away before trying. While I was waiting to hear from Catie, I was processing all these thoughts; about finalizing my divorce, about Catie's career decisions, about her moving to Raleigh, and about us getting married. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. I imagined that Catie was probably thinking the same things I was and experiencing some similar emotions. There was one big difference. She knew she had at least one baby growing inside her.

Catie called me about thirty minutes later from Abby's room.

"Hi, love. How are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm thrilled and I'm scared," she said. I had my own version of the same feelings.

"Can I ask you what had you go to the doctor?"

"Well, my last period was a little late and wasn't normal, it was spotty, and my next one is coming up. You know my breasts get a little tender near my period but they are bothering me more than they normally do and they seemed more swollen than usual. And I've been tired and just haven't felt well sometimes."

"How long have you've been experiencing this?" I asked.

"Since we got back from Minneapolis. I was worried that I, and maybe you, picked up something from our escapades."

"Did your doctor ask you about that?"

"Yes. I said that we had been involved in a sex swapping party earlier in December with a group of people that stayed pretty much sexually isolated among themselves and that we were the newbies in the group. We'll know all the test results in a day or so." There was some more discussion about the risks we had taken.

"Nausea?" I asked.

"A little, but not much."

"Morning sickness?"

"Well, looking back maybe a little."

"So, why are you scared?"

"I'm still scared that I or we might have been exposed to something and I wasn't ready to hear that I am pregnant and that I'm going to become a mom. And all I could think of is I'm going to be a single, unmarried mom...of twins."

"You know that's not true," I said.

"About which one?" Catie asked.

"So, I'm going to tell you something and it may not come out right. I love you and I'll support whatever choice you make about your body. You'll be the one carrying our child or our children. You already know we both want you to be the mother of our children and now that you're pregnant, this may be as good a time as any to start. If you decide that you aren't ready yet and that you want to end the pregnancy and try later, I'll support you in that, too."

There was a long pause.

"Will you marry me?" she asked. It wasn't a proposal and I didn't hesitate or hedge.

"Yes. I had already been thinking about that before this news."

"Will you love me when I get big?"

"Of course. Remember, I've been through this before. Although my wife didn't always feel great about how her body looked as our son grew inside her, she was incredibly sexy to me."

We started talking about pregnant sex....

As we talked, we were both getting more relaxed. We still had to figure out Catie's professional moves and there would be time to sort that out. We also talked about which trip Catie might have conceived. It was either the end of our Oregon trip or the beginning of her visit to my bed in Raleigh. We both seemed to think that was the more likely of the two. It looked like a July birth was likely. We talked for nearly an hour and it was really an affirmation that we were going to go through with this.

"How will [name of my estranged wife] feel about this?" Catie asked.

"She really doesn't have any say in this. It's just a matter of signing the papers and having the court sign the final divorce order. I don't have to tell her why."

"What a way to end a year and start a new year," I said to Catie.

I've left out some other parts of our conversation because it was so wide ranging. We laughed, we cried. But as we ended our conversation, we were both looking towards the future with one or more children from this pregnancy. I was thinking about the interaction of these children with their half-brother.

"So, do we announce the pregnancy at New Year's or do you want to wait?" I asked.

"I think we tell our families. My family knows I'm already planning to move to Raleigh to be with you. Now there's even more reason."

Like Catie, I was thrilled and I was scared. This was going to be a seismic shift for everyone.

Catie told me that she and Abby were going to go to the hospital to see their uncle with their mom and that they needed to go in a few minutes. I would be getting packed to leave early the next morning. I told Catie to call me later after they got back and we'd talk some more.

"Before we hang up, tell me me the news again," I asked.

This time, more calmly she said "Gary, my love, I'm pregnant. I'm going to be the mother of your children."

"Our children," I said.

"Our children," she said.

"I wasn't prepared to hear you say that and yet, I love hearing you say that. Remember what I said about you brightening my heart and giving the sparkle to my life?"

"Yes"

"You've done that today. I'm thinking about our children growing in your belly and it warms my heart. I love you, Catie."

"I am so in love with you, too, my love.

"We'll talk later."

And we hung up.

I was holding two thoughts, two sensations at once. One was immense happiness in being in love with Catie and the thought of being a father with her. Things had moved so fast between us, not a slow multi-year, glacial pace. But I was also scared. Scared of what this meant to us and how our lives would change. There would be no gradual easing into being a couple living together (married or not) before going forward with having children. I knew she had a sense of her biological clock "ticking" because we had talked about it as part of our discussions on becoming parents together. I also believed that this pregnancy was accidental and I was thankful that we had actually talked about this so early in our relationship.

I went into the other downstairs bedroom next to my son's and considered its conversion into a nursery and a room for our child or children. This was going to be such a surprise to everyone and a New Year's unlike any other. My thoughts drifted into how my son would take the news. Even at five years old and what my mom had told me he said when they were flying back from the Pacific Northwest, this would mean his mom and his dad weren't getting back together. I went back to packing my small Samsonite suitcase for my flight next morning while processing those thoughts.

I went to a local fast food restaurant to get something to eat for dinner and brought it home. I was sitting in my living room, watching one of our videotapes, reliving our intimate moments together. The tapes reminded me that our sexual relationship with Abby could be a complication. It was something that Catie and I had talked about since Thanksgiving. I did have feelings for Abby, though I couldn't see myself in a long-term love relationship like I could imagine with Catie. She wasn't just some young woman who had holes I could enjoy filling with my cum. There was certainly love there between us and I had expressed it, for my part, in what I wrote and gave her for Christmas. And though it raised eyebrows, Catie thought it was so perfect an expression of my love for Abby, in addition to my love for her (Catie) and the relationship that the three of us shared.

That was something to be addressed in our futures. I watched as our images on my television replayed the lust, the passion, and the love we shared. As I watched the tape, though, I felt the desire to be in bed with Catie again; this time knowing that there was life in her womb. I had felt this before with my ex-wife and looked forward to experiencing it anew and in different ways with Catie. The fear that would come and go during the day since Catie told me she was pregnant wasn't present for me as I watched the screen. I knew how deeply I loved her as I waited for her call.

It was a call that would never come.

It was the worst of times...it was the winter of despair

The first call came at 6:48 PM (Eastern time) and it was Abby. She was very upset. Sobbing, almost hysterical, and trying to get the words out. Some of the details I learned later

But I got the main points. They had left the hospital after visiting their uncle and were already several minutes away. They were at an intersection. Her mom and Catie were in one car and her mom was driving. She was in her car, two cars back behind them. The traffic light turned green and the first car in the line went through the intersection, the second car was her mom's Volvo and it got T-boned by a truck that ran the traffic light.

Her mom died nearly instantly at the scene. The truck driver was thrown out of his cab because he wasn't belted in and he died when his truck rolled over on him. Catie was on the passenger side of her mom's Volvo and the truck drove it into a car waiting in the other direction at the red light, T-boning the other side of her mom's Volvo. It drove that car backwards into the car behind it.

Abby saw it all. She immediately pulled over and ran up to her mom's car. It was bad. Blood everywhere. She could see her mom hanging in the left seat through the broken windshield where the side of the car had been pushed in. She didn't respond to Abby's pleas. On the other side of the car, Catie was badly hurt and pinned in. She was alive but Abby couldn't really get her to respond. Other people were also coming up to the car to see what they could do to help. An ambulance that was several vehicles behind Abby's, and was returning to its station from the hospital, got there moments after the collision. The rescue personnel got Abby out of the way while they worked on getting to those who were injured.

All the sirens, all the fire and rescue personnel, and the police.

When they got Catie out of the car and put her in the ambulance they wouldn't let Abby in the ambulance. She told me she kept screaming at them that she was her sister. They didn't allow Abby in. The ambulance turned on its siren and was gone. Someone put Abby in another ambulance so they could monitor her and calm her down. She remembered them telling her that they were doing all they could.

Sometime just before Abby was taken to the hospital, a female police officer came to speak with her; to ask her what she saw and what happened. They took Abby to the hospital. Although not injured, she was in shock.

She was in an ER waiting area calling me.

"It's bad, it's really, really bad."

I was trying to hold back my own tears and try to keep a calm voice to keep Abby calmer than she was as she was telling me what she saw, what she knew.

"Abby? Who have you called?"

"I've called my dad and he's on the way. I've called my uncle and my aunt and they're calling others. I've called my brothers and they're on their way."

"Okay, Abby. I'm going to tell you something very, very important that you need to tell the nurses and the doctors that are treating Catie. Are you listening?"

Between sobs, she indicated she was.

"You need to tell them that Catie is pregnant. Maybe with twins. She's eight to ten weeks along. She just found out this morning. You got that?"

She really didn't get it the first time. I repeated it. She understood.

"Go tell them now. If you can, call me back after you've told them."

She hung up the phone. I felt so incredibly helpless and sick to my stomach. So sick that I went and vomited up my dinner. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go anywhere. Flying to Portland this late in the evening was out of the question and I was already booked for the earliest flight out in the morning. There was no way to know what was happening and there was nothing I could do, no one who could help.

This was a gut punch that felt worse than discovering my wife's affair.

All I could do is wait. Somewhere in the midst of this I had turned the VCR off. I don't remember doing it.

The next phone call came about an hour later. It was Abby again. Some of the family members had gathered at the hospital. Abby's father was now at the hospital. He had been taken by the scene of the accident. He had been officially notified that his wife, Abby and Catie's mother, had died at the scene.

I asked if there was any news about Catie. There wasn't other than she was still in the operating room.

It was a little after 9:00 PM when I received the call that just had me slide down the wall. Catie was dead. The trauma was too great. The trauma team was fighting a battle that they ultimately lost.

The woman I had met only 17 weeks earlier, with whom I had taken a really big chance and with whom I had the wildest ride of my life, had fallen in love with, who was going to be the mother of our children, and with whom we had just started chart our life together, was suddenly gone. I rolled over onto my side on the floor and cried like I hadn't ever cried before as an adult. I was unaware of the passage of time. My cat came up to me purring and stayed with me like he knew that I needed it.

My phone rang at 1:30 in the morning. I was laying on the floor where I had finally cried myself to sleep. It was Catie's oldest brother. There was nothing more to do at the hospital. They had officially identified Catie and Marianne as a formality. They would be recovering personal effects the next day.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

"Not good, probably better than you are," I remember saying and remembering that he lost a mother and a sister today.

He knew of my plans to come to Portland to be with Catie on New Year's.

"Hardly seems necessary, now."

"I know," he said. "But it looks like we're going to plan the funerals for Saturday and you're welcome to come and stay here with us, if you want. And I think Catie would have wanted that."

"I do, too."

"I know you had a flight early in the morning to get here mid-morning tomorrow. Are you still going to do that?" he asked.

As the tears streamed down (and are streaming down as I write this many years later), I said yes. "I think I need to be around people she loved and who loved her."