Christmas 1985

I sat down and wrote my wife a letter in the week prior to Christmas. It was well thought out and there were several drafts before I finally sat down and wrote it on the stationery that would deliver the message. It said, in essence, the following:

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"I know I told you I would always love you. And I always will. You've been the most important part of my life for over one-third of my life and nearly all of my adult life. You're the mother of our son."

"I know I told you that I'd let you go and give you the space to figure out what you needed and I'd be there waiting for you if you chose me, if I was who you wanted and needed in your life. I know I turned you down when you suggested that maybe we could go out on dates again while [name] was still living with you."

"I've been patient. I've defended your choice when friends and family have spoken ill of you and what you've done; they don't understand the choice(s) you've made and me telling them that this is something that you've got to work out and, if you choose me, I will be waiting for you."

"I know that there have been many changes in my life since you left, some which may anger you because they are things that you and I have talked about doing and places we talked about visiting. I know you may question "Why now? Why not when it was important to you? The only answer I can give is that other things seemed more important and I misread or misunderstood what you needed or wanted and for that I am sorry."

"I am not trying to force you to choose between the two of us. You know my fondness of the Harvey Cox quotation "Not to decide is to decide." I am honestly, and as straightforwardly as I can, telling you that the window of opportunity is closing and that other plans are developing that will foreclose my willingness and ability to be there if, some months or years after this, you realize you want to come back to me. You will always be part of my life. The way you fit into it may be much different in the future."

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Those were the salient elements. The actual letter was more than four pages long and included a Christmas card and a piece jewelry that I had bought for her earlier in 1984 intending it as a Christmas present in 1984. I gave it to her before before they left for Atlanta telling her that I wrote it to her for her. "Share it, don't share it. That choice is yours."

It was an important step to moving forward with my life. I wasn't certain of the outcome from writing and giving her the letter. But, I was reasonably sure that she had made her choice and that what I saw in October was her doubts surfacing when she saw how my life was reshaping without her. In the end, my intuition was correct and it took some number years to confirm it when I asked "Was there anything that would have made a difference?" The answer was a resounding "No, not at that time."

Anyway, she and her boyfriend were off to Atlanta. Catie left Chicago and flew to Portland on December 21st. I left Raleigh with my son to drive to the DC area on December 23rd. I was staying with my brother in Reston, Virginia. My brother was also going through his own divorce with his wife. He suffered a similar breakup in his marriage where his wife was having an affair with someone she was working with. They didn't have any children from their marriage, though she did have a son from a previous marriage. My brother and I would spend a lot of time commiserating on the state of our marriages, what we had been through, and what we had learned along the way. I didn't tell him or anyone else in my family about Catie or more specifically how serious it was becoming. Only my mother knew that I had met someone on the train at the end of August/September trip, but she didn't know that I was travelling to Chicago or Portland to be with her or her family.

My mom had her own challenges. A break-up of a long-term relationship and the prospect of a change in jobs because the insurance company she worked for had been purchased by another company. They were going to close down operations in the DC area. I also think my mom had even more hope of my ex-wife and I getting back together because of something my son had said to her on the flight home from Portland when they had been with me in August. Unsolicited, according to my mom, my son said "Mom is with [name of her boyfriend] but she really loves dad."

My family certainly would have disapproved of my sleeping with Catie's friends and her sister, much less what we did in Minneapolis. Well, maybe not my dad. My dad probably would have been trying to figure out how to get a piece of that action (Catie, her friends, her sister, or our friends in Minnesota). My ex-wife shared with me (many years later that although my dad never made any overt move on her, she didn't always feel "safe" when he was around. I can't say that I blame her for feeling that way. He always seemed to be on the lookout for the next piece of ass he could get.

Catie and I talked that first night she was home with her family (December 21st). There were no travel headaches for her and the flight to Portland went without a problem. Catie's dad was home from rehab and he was doing quite well and that was good to hear. I knew that her dad was so important to her and the fact that he had made such good progress relieved Catie's sense that she, as the oldest child, needed to be there in Portland to help her mom take care of her dad. She liked being back home to help prepare for Christmas with her rather large family in the Portland area. That sense of family was important to her even if we were living a rather unconventional sex life. I was also glad to hear that the presents I had ordered and had shipped to Portland had been delivered. Thank you, UPS!

Of course, our conversations turned to how much we missed each other and it was more than just the sexual and the erotic. Our times on the phone together since we had returned from Minnesota filled (inadequately) the void felt because we were apart. We had, on our time horizons, the plan for living together and all that would add to our love relationship. And it was a love relationship that had evolved out of highly sexualized and erotic experiences unlike anything that either of us had experienced.

One thing that had happened for us was that when we were together, we felt safe telling each other what we thought and what we felt. Sometimes, in the moment, it was difficult to answer a question about what I was thinking or what I was feeling while we were in the middle of lovemaking. In the more "relaxed moments," when I wasn't inside Catie it was easier to describe what I experienced, where all the sensations were originating and what I felt like as they spread throughout my body. Catie was equally as willing to describer the sensations she experienced and it made for hot conversations. She particularly liked to describe what it felt like to have my cock inside her while she was looking at the pictures of my erect cock on my brass bed. She would describe what it felt like and how the sensations changed as I inched deeper inside her and as our lovemaking progressed.

One of the things Catie loved was the sensation of my cock getting larger and harder as I approached orgasm. I was only vaguely aware of it because I sensed I might be deeper than I had been. My ex-wife has expressed something similar about me approaching orgasm. I later found that it is a real physiological occurrence for guys as more blood flows into the penis and various muscles react to constrict the flow of blood out of the penis. When she felt that happening, she knew that my orgasm wasn't far off and Catie loved the sensation of me cumming inside her. She was really good at describing those sensations to me on the phone. Of course, she liked the experience (as well as the idea) of her being filled with my cum, like she couldn't get enough of it.

If anything, it helped us maintain a level of horniness where we'd tear the clothing off each other at our next meeting before we settled into the long lovemaking and enema sessions that had characterized our times together. As hot as that was, we also liked those close moments together where we were just being with each other. My wife and I had experienced that for much of our relationship and then it disappeared.

My son and I left for DC on Monday, December 23rd. Traffic was (thankfully) light driving up Interstate-95. We went to my brother's condo where we would be staying during the Christmas holidays. When Catie and I talked that night, it was less sexual and more G-rated. I realized, maybe for the first time, that our Christmas' (for Catie and I, and Catie, my son, and I ) were going to change in a way that I hadn't considered a year before; how to integrate Christmas with Catie's family with Christmas with my family. That was something to consider in the future.

Tuesday was Christmas Eve. Catie and I had talked about Christmas practices (do you open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? One present on Christmas Eve and the rest on Christmas Day). At my brother's house, we were going to open presents on Christmas day since all of the family would be coming to my brother's condo. My brother is/was a great cook and had the Christmas meal all planned. He had me working on my "famous" fresh baked bread and so I got the needed ingredients before the grocery stores closed. My brother's condo, like my house, was decked out in lots of Christmas lights.

On Christmas morning, my brother, my son, and I opened Christmas presents. More would be arriving in the afternoon but there were things that we felt a five year old just couldn't wait for (like a new Nintendo game deck and some new game cartridges). My brother and I sat around downstairs and just talked while my son was engrossed in his new present. Finally, my brother announced that we needed to get started on Christmas dinner. We left my son downstairs playing on his new game deck while we headed up to the first floor and the kitchen to get the cooking started. My son would periodically come upstairs and excitedly announce some new thing he discovered in a game or reaching some level within a game. At about 1:00 PM, the phone rang and my brother answered it.

"It's for you," he said as he handed me the phone.

"Hello, my love," Catie said to me.

"Merry Christmas!" I replied. "How are you doing this morning?"

"Great! We just finished opening presents," she said.

"And?" I asked.

"Some of your presents raised eyebrows, at first."

"Which ones?" I asked. Of course, I knew which ones.

"The ones to Abby. We thought that the boxes had been mislabeled until I opened mine.

"You spent a lot of money on us," she said.

"The cards say it all and I wrote the same thing on both cards," I said.

The cards said "The beautiful women in my life deserve presents that highlight their beauty, both seen and unseen."

I had given Abby two silk camisole and dance/tap pant lingerie sets, one in black, the other in a bronze, and a pair of diamond ear studs (1/4 carat). And, of course, the size was perfect.

I had given Catie three silk camisole and dance/tap pant lingerie sets, one in black, one in white, and one in a teal blue. Catie also got a pair of diamond ear studs (1/2 carat). I also got Catie a silk robe.

About that time, Catie told me that Abby was standing there and wanted to talk to me for a moment.

Abby got on the phone. "Merry Christmas, Abby."

"Merry Christmas, Gary. Thank you for the lingerie. It's beautiful and fits perfect."

"So, you've tried them on?" I asked.

"Oh, yes! I've never gotten lingerie from one of Catie's boyfriends before."

"I think you might have been a little too young until this year."

"Oh, yeah! And my first diamonds, too!"

"A couple more firsts for you this year," I said.

We chatted for a few more minutes before Abby turned the phone back over to Catie.

"I thought the other box was hilarious. I'm glad you put a card in it that I could pass around," Catie said.

I had given Catie an empty box with tissue paper in it. The card said "This gift to be given/claimed at a future date." But what had written in the bottom of the box was "This all you need for our trips to Rooster Rock, Sauvie Island, the Cape Hatteras Seashore, and any other nude beach we explore in our future together."

"I love the necklace. I'm wearing it right now. You share such beautiful thoughts," Catie said.

I had bought Catie a gold, heart shaped pendant on a gold chain. It, too, had a rather large, free swinging diamond suspended in it. The card said:

"You are the one who has brightened my heart and brings the sparkle to my life"

"The words and the necklace are so beautiful, it brings tears to my eyes," she said.

"It's what I feel," I said.

"What are you wearing, now?" I asked. She told me she was wearing the robe I got for her.

"Anything else?" I asked.

"Not yet. I'm going to try on the lingerie you gave me in a little while," she said. I told her that the saleswomen were most impressed with my taste in lingerie.

"How's the length of the necklace chain?" I asked.

"It's perfect. It hangs just at my heart. You'll love the way it looks between my breasts. I couldn't help admiring the way it looked when I went upstairs to put on the robe."

I was visualizing that and that perked up my penis.

We talked about the other gifts. Her mom liked the necklace I got for her and her dad liked the hiking/walking stick I had gotten from REI for him. "For our future hikes together" was the card that went with his present.

Catie asked me if I had opened my presents from her, yet. I told her that I hadn't and wasn't really sure when I should.

"Well, whatever you do, don't open that small flat box in front of your family."

We chatted a little more before hanging up. I told her that I'd call her late in the evening and completed the call with "Merry Christmas, my love."

My brother looked at me with an inquisitive look.

"Someone I met on a trip to Chicago. I was hoping that she could be here at Christmas so that she could meet the family. But her dad suffered a stroke a couple of months ago and she felt like she needed to be with her family this Christmas."

People started arriving between 3:00 and 4:00 PM. We opened presents, we had dinner, we talked about what was going on (without talking about Catie in my case).

I called Catie around 11:30 Eastern time (8:30 Pacific). Things had long since quieted down in Northern Virginia where I was. Things were winding down in Portland, too. Catie asked me to call back on Abby's phone in a couple of minutes. I rang her back a few minutes later and Abby answered the phone.

"Hi, Abby. Your sister told me to call her on your line," I said.

"She's sitting right here," Abby said.

"Thank you for your presents," I told Abby. She had gotten me a new belt and some items for my skiing.

"I didn't know what to get and send to you. It was sis that made the suggestions."

"You both did fine, thank you!"

Abby asked me if anyone had made suggestions about her presents that I gave to her.

"No. I thought you looked good in the lingerie you modeled and that's what had me think of that. So maybe Stephanie in an indirect way. I thought you should have some very nice lingerie that could be used as something dressy like the cami, or under something else. And I imagine you look fabulous. But you both look so good without clothes, it's almost a shame to hide your bodies even with fine lingerie. Just wear the diamond studs for me.

She giggled at that.

"Actually, I told your sister this, the saleswomen were most impressed by my purchasing skills, that I knew exactly what I was looking for and that I had picked out some very nice items. They were a little confused by the different sizes until I explained that they were for two different women, sisters, in fact."

"You didn't tell them you were screwing both of us?" Abby asked.

"No, I told them that you two were very special women to me and that I wanted both of you to receive something that reflected that," I said.

"I would have liked to see their reaction if you told them that you were having sex with two sisters, a 29 year old and her 18 year old sister," Abby said.

"All three of us in the same bed," I said.

"That's right!"

"Well, maybe we can go together when I'm out there next week and I can introduce the two of you. That might be fun," I said.

"I think it might be hilarious," Abby said

"I'll talk to you later. Put your sister on the phone."

Catie got on the line. "What was that all about?"

"I was telling Abby that maybe we could go to where I bought your lingerie and introduce the two women I bought them for. Abby wanted to know if I told them that I was screwing both of you...at the same time," I said.

"Looking to add more to your harem?" Catie asked.

"No, not at all. And how was your day, my love."

"It was nice. Some of our aunts, uncles, and cousins were here today, too. It was really nice. How about your day?" Catie asked.

"It was good. My mom and dad were here as were my granddad and step grandmother. My dad brought his current girlfriend. Everyone was on their good behavior." We talked more about the day before we wrapped up for the night.

My brother was back to work after Christmas. During the next several days, my son and I went to visit my mom, my dad, and my grandfather. We also went to the Air and Space Museum which I figured would be something that wouldn't be too boring for my son (it wasn't). He also liked riding the Metro system. I remember there was lots of football to watch but don't remember much about the games, They weren't notable and didn't take up space in my journal.

They were otherwise normal days with some events, that at the time, were normal. Probably the one thing that was most memorable was that when we were visiting my grandfather, the wide-eyed look on my son when my grandfather "removed his leg" below his knee. He had part of his leg amputated because of diabetes. It was really something for a five year old to see.

Catie and I talked each day. She told me on Friday that she felt "off." She wasn't sick, but she felt like she was coming down with something. She had said something about feeling that way once or twice after we returned from Minneapolis. She mentioned to me that she thought it had something to do with her birth control pills and that she was planning on going to see her doctor in Portland on Monday.

Over the weekend, one of Catie's uncles (one of her mom's brothers) suffered a mild heart attack and ended up in a hospital near Portland. His doctor's were going to perform a procedure to open the clogged arteries before sending him home. Catie told me that he was one of their favorite uncles and I had met him during my trip when Catie's dad had his stroke and during Thanksgiving.

My ex-wife was planning on returning from Atlanta on Sunday evening but they decided to do like I was planning to do, avoid the Sunday traffic after Christmas and drive back on Monday. She had called me to let me know. She knew that I was leaving Raleigh to fly to Portland after dropping our son off. I was flying on Tuesday on one of my "favorite" flights;" the first Delta Airlines flight from RDU to Atlanta. From there I was flying to Portland. Travelling early on New Year's Eve looked like it would be pretty easy as long as there weren't any major weather events.

My son and I got on the road very early. Although it was a Monday workday and the rush hour traffic was mostly coming towards us headed into DC, it was lighter because of the holidays. But I wanted to get started down Interstate 95 early enough that I would get back to Raleigh around noontime. We made really good time.

My ex-wife showed up at about 1:00 PM to pick up our son. She didn't say much about her trip to Atlanta. We talked more about my trip to DC. She had read my letter and basically told me "thank you" for the letter. She told me that she understood that I had bought the necklace for her, but she couldn't accept it and that I should return it or give it to someone else who I cared about and who deserved it. It was a rather straight forward conversation and exchange.

I helped move my son's Christmas presents from my car to my ex-wife's car (actually it was my car, too. I would get it back as part of our property settlement agreement). After a few minutes of talking with her, I said goodbye to our son and told him I'd see him later in the week, wished her a happy New Year and they drove off.

I went next door to thank my neighbor for taking care of my cat.

"He didn't take down too many Christmas ornaments," she told me. Of course, I had the tree connected to the wall by monofilament fishing line so that my cat couldn't pull the tree over onto the floor.

Shortly after I returned from next door, the phone rang and it was Catie. I knew she was going to her doctor appointment at 9:00 AM (Pacific). She knew that I should be home by now if all had gone according to schedule and there were no traffic issues.

I had received a caller ID box to attach to my phone and recognized the phone number as being an Oregon 503 area code phone number.

"Hello?" I said when I picked up the phone.

"Hello, my love," she said.

Oh, how I did love hearing her say that to me.