You wanna know about the first job I did with Paulie? Ha! Ever regret taking a job? Yeah. The last time I felt like that was when I wound up here!

No, I’m kidding, really. It seemed like the usual day-in-the-afterlife treasure hunt gig. Look, I’ve seen a lot of shit here. I never expected to wind up in some crazy-ass fantasy land populated by stiffs, AIs and people with more money than God, but there you go.

I ain’t afraid of work. I had my 20 years in with NYPD, good pension, more than enough to live a quiet life, raising tomatoes, but I’m not really a quiet life kind of guy. The wife left me, common story with cops, we never had kids and there was no one I wanted to settle down with, so a consulting gig with the city gang task-force seemed like just the thing. When some punk-ass pre-teen who looked like some Renaissance angel got the drop on me and put me down, well, that’s life, that’s it.

Except it wasn’t. I woke up here and found that, big surprise, in heaven (or whatever the fuck this place is) you still have to go to work. Does that suck or what?

I got the lay of the land fairly quickly and decided that baby-sitting rich people with a yen for adventure was a lot better option than many, so I put a small crew together and we started getting bookings. Me, Jase and Yosh soon became the go-to guys for Afterlife patrons in the know looking to get their Indiana Jones on.

They’re good guys. Yosh don’t say much but he knows his shit and Jase talks enough for the two of them. I think they’re a, you know, a couple, but I never asked. I could give a shit. I never bought into the whole chest-thumping macho cop shit anyway. One of the best cops I knew was a 5 foot tall single mom – one scary broad when she needed to be, let me tell you. So anyway if Jase and Yosh wanted to take turns playing hide the braciole in their off hours I say God bless and I’m glad they got each other.

Me? No. No one special. I guess mebby Meggy, but she ain’t mine. Never was and certainly not now that her husband’s on the scene. Meg joins our crew from time to time when we need a girl, usually because the contract specifies a love-interest. Far as I know she’s got no background in this adventure stuff from her prior life but she knows which end of a gun is the dangerous one, she seems to like this shit and, as an entertainer, she’s probably the best. Yes I’m speaking from experience – bada-bing.

Anyway, she’s a good kid, so when she reached out to tell me that her husband was being uploaded and would I help him land on his feet, I said yes. Whaddamy gonna say no? What kinda heel would I be then?

I gotta admit, I had some reservations. Like I said, Meggy isn’t my girl, but a guy can dream, right? We fall into bed every now and then and yeah, I wouldn’t mind something a little more permanent but cest levy as the Frogs say. Whaddaya do when the bed breaks? You sleep on the floor. Make the best of it. Hey, he might not even wake up, am I right?

Nope. I was wrong. He woke up. Turns out he’s a mensch too. Bastardo. Decent, knows his shit, not afraid of hard work. I read his file. Great, Meggy was married to Jack Fucking Reacher (and not the puny ass Tom Cruise version). I met him. Of course I like the guy. Clicked right away. Go figya.

So anyway, this job comes up asking for us and Meg specifically as love interest. I add Paul too. Starts off pretty normal. We had a T-Rex chase us through the desert. Heh, I love those big fuckers, they’re dumb as shit and will always chase you. Fun, you know? Anyway Paulie gets up on his fucking knees and starts putting these beautiful 3 round bursts into Godzilla there – while the fucking truck was bouncing all over hell and gone – and he’s making hits! So Jase starts doing the same thing and we’re driving through the desert, shooting full auto like the fucking Rat Patrol or something, and it was AWESOME. Like I’m laughing my ass off as Godzilla is chasing us down this wash, the client is practically shitting herself with excitement and I’m thinking ‘oh baby, are WE getting a good tip!’

The rest of the drive is uneventful and we get to the camp site no problems. It’s pretty obvious at this point that the client is big into Meggy. I felt a little sorry for Paulie, you know? I mean the guy’s just back with his wife and he’s got to share her. He don’t seem bent out of shape over it or nothing, you know, stays pretty professional. I gotta say that musta been hard to do because after those two went to their tent, Madonna, the sounds coming outta there! Hoo boy. To be a fly on that wall, right?

Well morning comes and we pack up. I set a basic patrol formation with Yosh taking point and I put Paulie on drag. Client is in the usual place, center rear. We’re getting close to the ruins we’re heading for and the fucking spiders show up. I fucking hate fucking spiders.

These things are like 8 feet long from leg to leg and have fangs like butcher knives and there’s 3 of the bastards.

“Action left!” I shout and Yoshi takes out the one up on the big rock with one long burst. Boom, splat.

So far so good, right? But the other two bastards came outta some hole in the ground right off to our left so they were on top of us even before we can react. I pull out my gun and start blasting at one of them, but the 10mm rounds aren’t slowing it down much. Yeah I shoulda had a rifle, but I spent my career with handguns, you know? Old habits. Yeah. Old habits bite you on the ass. Jason doesn’t have a shot because of where they came out, so he’s scrambling off to the side so he can shoot them without hitting me and Paulie is blasting away at the other one. Meg’s doing her job, keeping the client safe. Client dies before we finish the sim, we don’t get the full paycheck – it gets pro-rated – so we do our best to keep the client healthy, that’s job one, capisce? Anyway, so it’s me vs the monster.

Sometimes you get the bull, sometimes you get the horn.

Look, I don’t mind dying. It happens sometimes. Aside from the big one, you know, the first time, I been killed, what, maybe 5, 6 times? It ain’t that big a deal, but it fucking HURTS! Bastard got me with his stinger before he croaked. Right in the goolies. Talk about insult to injury. Next thing I know, I’m waking up in my own bed.

Eh, I’m not worried about the client. I’ve got a good team, they’ll get her through it. Meggy and Paulie were a good add. Don’t get me wrong, Jase and Yosh are good guys, but they’re grunts. Ya gotta watch ‘em or they get into trouble, ya know? Paulie’s an officer, he’ll take charge and make it happen. I made a good choice there. I made a bad choice not taking a rifle, I also got distracted. It happens, we learn from our mistakes. Vaffanculo!